All you have to do is hold me...
If you trust me, love me, let me... Maybe...

Some random lyrics from "maybe" by Kelly Clarkson.

I feel a bit surreal at the moment.. weird feeling. But it all starts tomorrow.. so let's hope/pray that all goes well. Today is the last day!

Next week should be very interesting... o.0.. 5 assessments..... on top of other things.... Oh well. It'll be ok.

Now I will ramble in my journal. Ciao.

New Editions to Emily's CD collection:

• Sufjan Steven's 'Illinois'
• Sufjan Steven's 'The Avalanche'
• 'Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga' by Spoon
• 'The White Album' by The Beatles
• 'Black Holes and Revelations' by Muse
• 'Absolution' by Muse
• 'In Rainbows' by Radiohead
• 'Neon Bible' by Arcade Fire
• 'Thirsty Merc' by (quite obviously) Thirsty Merc

Woooo... I should add that, I only bought two of these albums, the rest were bought by my Mum/various members of my family, but that covers all the CD's that I've wanted to get in the last few months. Yay! Just need to work on building the Beatle's collection up.

Soooo much music! It's brilliant.. I just don't know what to listen to now :P.

I'm going to go to sleeeep now I am sooo tired. Don't know why i am even bothering to write up anything.... Felt like publishing a post I suppose. I don't feel so good. I think sleep will fix it :D! Sweet dreams.

Jerseys are fantastic! And I finished English.. but its like one of the worst assignments i've ever done I swear.... ah well. At least I handed it in.. thats the main thing.

I made it through this week! Amazing! :D! So glad that I did. I bought a new moisturiser yesterday- it was recommended by both Elliot and Ariane- its really great, oil free, light and it has SPF protection! Yay! I'm going to my Dad's house this arvo... should be fun....

Anyway I need to do some more important stuff :P! Cya....

We have our Year 12 jerseys now..!!

They're great!

Oh, and Happy Valentines Day! (Or as I've heard, Happy Single Awareness Day...)

From thinking about today, I think the greatest lesson I will have to learn is letting myself love another person. Just letting go and (without sounding oh so cheesy) giving your whole self, not holding back incase I want to retreat.. I'm really guarded with my heart (even with friendships) and it seems I never give all of me... to anyone. I'm not trying to wear my heart on my sleeve by any means.. I would just like to work on expressing me, being me without a trillion barriers blocking everything that goes in or out. Also, to be able to say- I am not ok with that, or even saying no... Or saying- get real... I'm ready to admit that even though in the past I've always said "i'm not ready" or "thats silly" or "thats a waste of time" about love or relationships.. I am ready to say that even though I have a whole heap of emotional "things" in my life and I've always tried to run away or protect myself, I have always wanted to let go and just love. But all the "things" get in the way, and I'm scared that the "things" will distort or prohibit me from enjoying the relationship.. I'm going to learn to let go.. and slowly but surely release myself from all the things that have tangled me up...... (haha, almost sounds like wishful thinking!)

Anyway, I had a really great day today. My mood was somewhat normal- and happy! and we got our jerseys... :D.. let's hope it continues....as i really need to work on my english!!!!!!

Tonight, randomly, i wrote a poem! I haven't written poetry in so long!
This was the last stanza..

"But I turn another cheek
fall into the embrace
of an unbroken slumber
suspended from time
living my dreams
from the inside."

The whole poem is about getting up in the morning and in the end 'turning the other cheek' and going back to sleep :P. When its finished I'll put it up here!!

I love this song!

It's by Thirsty Merc, called "Undivided Love".

I suggest you all read "A Note of Madness" by Tabitha Suzuma. It is BRILLIANT! Its about Bipolar Disorder and it is amazing. The way she has done it- words fail me!! (I'm using it for Ext 2 English.. ;D)

I'm sitting here thinking whether I should keep typing or not.... I probably should press "publish post" now... But a subject that is on my mind at the moment is internalisation. You see, apparently, I internalise everything. Which, I agree with. This all started out of politeness, respect, but I'm afraid its warped into this weird thing where I can't even express how I am feeling.. I won't let myself experience or express an emotion that I don't think is appropriate. So I don't. I wait until I am alone, and express it to my pillow, or my journal or to an unsuspecting infamous individual on the other side of a phone line who probably thinks i've slightly lost the plot. Now, with my current state of mind, internalisation is apparently not a good thing to have. Which I agree with. But i find that it is ironic, because If I express how I feel, then I'll probably get a mouthful back, but when I internalise I get a mouthful back. The reality is that I just don't like having my streams of thoughts projected into words, into life (so to speak) when I am sure they will cause numerous consequences. Does that mean I like to control every situation? Not really. Maybe I don't want to burden or upset people with my point of view? Maybe. The thing is though, when I do decide to "spill" a few times it has quite literally been shoved back into my face and twisted around. Anyway, I'm just trying to say, I should talk to people more (aka my Mum and others) and tell them exactly how I am feeling or how I feel about something. And stand up and be counted with my opinion. Maybe if I am more expressive, I can be in touch with my emotions more.. etc. If only I could. I'm sure I will be able too.. And school! School! Has actually been good. A few times I've just wanted to go home and not be around so many people, but it has been mostly great. Everybody has things happening in their life at the moment, good and bad, and I'm wishing that we could all join together and lift everyone up!! I find it really difficult though, because during my holidays I had some pretty down times, and I would love to say- yes, at the moment I am fighting Depression and I'm so happy that I made it to school today!!, but quite obviously according to social ettique that would be an inappropriate thing to say. I think i'll slowly break the ice. I'm getting frustrated with my family a bit atm.. just because i feel like i shouldn't be feeling like this (well that is the impression I am getting from a certain individual) and that the way i have been feeling is top secret or something. Well, its not.

I don't really want to publish this to the whole world... but as I said in my last blog I want people to be aware of Depression in our society. 1 in 5 australians. And just to let you know I am going be "assessed" this week- so I am taking the steps to get this thing under control. Don't be afraid of it, speak out. If one person does, then another one will... and soon we can get rid of this taboo.