I wrote this during period one today, i was meant to be doing my ancient history assessment.

"Reborn.
There comes a time when things must change. But to be changed it must be destroyed. It is only natural to stop this, prevent it, but then again only natural to allow it to come to pass. Where do we draw the line? What is the human experience? To be blissfully happy? To enjoy the ride of life, up and down, across the mountains to really appreciate what we are all here for?

Everything seems so manageable on a lower dosage. I guess I can think, but not well enough. Now I can’t stop myself from thinking in a way- everything has so many possibilities and perspectives, options I suppose, and for an indecisive person this is even more crazy. However it has enabled me to think, process, do – which I really enjoy. Where is the balance though? The ability to feel all sensations, think through all possibilities is a wonder- amazement. But with that brings the added issue of control- how can I learn to monitor my thoughts? On a lower dose I can monitor it, because I guess I don’t have that many thoughts, but now, everything I think goes in a million different directions. I can’t stop thinking! Is this intelligence? Creativity?

I don’t seem to be satisfied with light hearted conversation anymore. I’m not satisfied with writing endless entries on my blog. I don’t know what it is, but I want something more. There are times where you just feel at ease, peaceful, ‘free’ in a sense, where everything is ok. Like on top of that rock at North Curl Curl. Or swimming in the ocean. Or lying on the veranda, with Denver curled up next to me watching the stars. Or on hiking/camping trips. Or playing your favourite song blasting out of speakers and dancing like a maniac. What is it? Am I missing something here? Is it staring me in the face and I’m too blind to see it? What am I trying to say? What am I trying to be? What am I experiencing?

Or am I simply asking too many questions, thinking too much? Maybe I just need to switch off and chill. I’ve discovered that I am in fact insecure, not modest, and there is a fine line that separates them both. I mean I am getting better, but I don’t understand why I care what people think. Yeah world, this is me. Get used to it… if I could only have that attitude on the inside.
Its like I’m on the verge of change. Or I’m nearly there to discovering something wonderful or insightful. Have you ever had that feeling? I feel like I’m nearly there, but I don’t know what there is or where ‘there’ is. Or I could just be extremely agitated and angsty against the world at the moment and none of this really makes sense at all. Too many thoughts!

I guess what I’m going to have to do is focus on each moment. Each day. And enjoy what I can, ride the waves, so to speak. Sometimes you get a good wave that takes you right into shore. Other times you get put through a washing machine. And sometimes one bad set comes in after another. Up and down. Emily, enjoy things for what they are, and enjoy each day as it comes. And maybe invest in a ‘pensive’, like Dumbledore’s… (RIP) "



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And i could write a whole heap of stuff on top of that right now, but i'm sleepy.

I hate feeling like this. Sick. Dizzy. Slight nausea. Mind frozen. And sleepy. Once my body is used to it, it'll be alot better. I just really don't like feeling like this.

Finished Brave New World. It was a really interesting read. Went to the library today and borrowed a whole heap of other books... The Catcher in the Rye, The Great Gatsby.. thought I'd get into some classics. ANd some poetry.

Yuck, i feel sick. I'm really missing everyone at school. It's so nice to see people when they come in for exams... but then of course they leave, to study, go home. I wish i was doing that. Instead I have to go to class. Pastoral Care. DOn't get me wrong, the year 11's are great. I just really miss our group... i feel somewhat isolated, kinda like the new kid. I'm probably just feeling like this because i'm feeling sick already. I dunno, i guess everyone gets to move on, get on with their life.. do uni, etc. And yet here i am, still in highschool. It's only one year.. i just don't want to loose everyone... I'm just in a crap mood. I'm sure it will be ok. I guess i'm scared of loosing friendships because of distance, or because people have moved on to uni life. I want to move on, believe me! It was really my dream... so i suppose i am mourning a dream? and yet, i've learnt so much about myself.

Reading brave new world got me thinking about happiness. Is it just an induced state of mind? is it something we long to create, to escape the harsh reality? Or can we be truly be happy, by being content, or by God? What has happened when happiness is defined by materialistic gain, physical gratification or how much money is in the bank? The economic world is collapsing, and maybe we should stop and look. Have we wasted our dreams on items bigger and better, and should have been investing dreams into each other? Into family, nature, love? Why do we continue to deny ourselves what we really need, want our soul and spirit needs, even desires to function, yet we supress it with physical attraction, mobile phones or cars. WHy don't we believe in love anymore? In spirituality? In connections to one an other, as human beings? Why can't we tell people what we really think of them? So many questions, so many answers. What is it about human nature that makes it so? Sure, we aren't perfect. How did I get depression? emotional factors? environment? genetics? divorce? Is it simply the absence of real happiness, and i'm denying my true existence or 'me' by taking medication? Making the world seem better? How can my mind turn against me, how do you loose control? Because its unhappy? What has happened to our society? We've lost our minds!

Big ramble. Here's the beginning of a poem i wrote yesterday. Wrote it after reading Brave new world.

Happiness is a state of mind
But read between the lines
A state of naivety
Where the world does not keep its form
But opens
To reveal the glorious chaos
Of our manufactured reality

What defines wrong from right?
The distinction of moral justice
Preconditioned not by choice
To rule
To roam
The realms of one's self.

I'm fucking insane!! That's all i can come to logically. Hang on, what logic???? I'm a walking contradiction! Thats the logic!! I've always said, blah blah, i would never find myself in anyone else, but my whole life, i've always done that. I'm nice to people because i need their approval to form my identity. And now because I am so distant and not constantly getting everyones approval subconsciously, now, i'm having a fucking identity crisis! I'm always doing everything i do for other people, so they life me, so they approve, so they think i'm nice , all my life and its only now that i notice it. Does anyone know me? Know who I am? All i know at the moment is that I'm Emily, I'm a writer. And i've lost the plot. Oh no, I'm thinking, I swore in my blog.. what will people think? I don't care at the moment. I really don't care what you think- but thats the irony. Because deep down wired in my messed up brain, i do care. And I am so good at wearing my mask, but at the moment its getting really thin.At this point in time, i don't care. I have issues. I'm feeling angry, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, on edge and i'm going to say that. I'm finding it hard to cope with keeping my life together, balanced. I haven't slept properly for a week. And I don't want sympathy, so please, keep it to yourself. I'm really sick of the knowingful looks and the hapy faces. Sometimes, things are not ok. That's life. I know things will get better, but at the moment i'm just so fucking FRUSTRATED! Ha, some alliteration for you. It's like i'm caught between some weird space time continuim, trying to figure out who I am without everybody else. I'm stuck in limbo land, not severely depressed, but not back to 'normality' (what ever that may be)... SO FRUSTRATING. It just seems to be this spiral. Maybe a vicious Absurdist cycle.

And its ok to feel like this. Because at least I'm feeling something. And feelings change.

Sooo yeah. School tomorrow. Essay due tomorrow. HSC really begins tomorrow. Etc.

My goal this year is to be a person at the end of this year, not a number. I need to keep my mental health my priority... and maybe I won't do as well as I could do but at this point in time I really need to focus on getting better and managing everything :). Which I will do. :D. I'm not sure whether I have gotten better or worse since last term, but I do know that I have had a great opportunity to relax... and get some peace of mind.And that is always important. Although I get so frustrated about the stigma of mental health. Yeah, I don't really like talking about my 'personal well being' (to say it politely) with everybody and everyone, but there is such a lack of understanding in our society about it. So i suppose if i slightly mention it on this blog here and there (not that many people read this) and if one person is more aware of mental health, than I'll be happy. It's so incredibly frustrating for me because when a person is physically sick it is quite obvious but when a person is mentally sick- which could have far worse consequences- it is not obvious and there is hardly any awareness or understanding. And at the moment I am quite annoyed with this 'self help' book that I found. I picked it up (it was a Christian one) but i was infuriated about the way they went about it. Yes, I know i have been suffering these symptoms.. you don't have to talk to me like I'm stupid.. it just made me feel even more guilty that I wasn't a 'good Christian girl'. Yes, i know. Christians aren't meant to be perfect- everybody has their problems. Just the wording of the book got me started because it was like it was my fault i had been feeling 'those symptoms'. I might have let a few things go and maybe if I was more organised things may not have turned out this way, but to open a book like it did is just ridiculous. The jargon as well... o.0. My relationship with God doesn't involve 'jargon'- it involves God and I. He has pulled me out of depression before, and i know He can do it again. But I just don't need those type of books making me feel like i've done something wrong to deserve this when I know I haven't... isn't believing you have a sickness from sin an Old Testament principle? An understanding doesn't throw psychological theories about. That's what this book did.. started off with the girl who had everything but lost a boyfriend and became depressed.Come on! If you are going to write a book on depression, make it appeal and relate to the 'depressed person' so they will actually read it and change. Not throw the book back on the shelf and never pick it up again.

Sorry bit of a ramble there. But I feel better now. :D!