Ok my head is currently burning from peroxide but hey I am writing a blog to forget about the fact MY HEAD IS ON FIRE!!!! AHHHHHH! I've finally gotten round to dying my hair (it was waaaay over due...) but it sings..... !!! In other news everything is going well... handed in my assessment.... started a portugese burger appreciation society for grumpy's....... wasted a whole heap of time on facebook.. the usual. Need to listen to some music! :D

Ok hair has kinda stopped burning now which is good.. but i still have another half an hour to wait! Put music on shuffle- Eric Calpton's "before you accuse me" has just come on. Pretty decent considering this is my mum's computer. Hmm I seem to have slipped into obsessive blog posting again. Mwahaha well at least this isn't live journal and i'm not taking up anyone's friend page. I should send an email asking if anyone wants to get together on sat night. Or i could just come home from work and watch movies. OMGOSH FARSCAPE marathon.... Maybe. My family is going to a 60's party. Seeing my mum's costume has put me off going. i will not be seen with any type of go-go dancer. Who is over the age of 20.

I miss the beach. Hmm thats an idea. Tomorrow after work, i sprint down to the beach, swim, and then come home. It may work. Who knows what i'm going to do. I'm thinking farscape is the most viable option at the moment. SUCH A BIG RAMBLE! Completely pointless but taking my mind off the fact that my scalp is sooooo itchy itchy itchy..... Ooooh in other news i do seem to have a friend date! I think it is more of a friend thing, so i'll keep it at that :D. Should be fun anyway!

19 mins to go. NINETEEN MINUTES! You should all try portugese chicken burgers from Grumpy's. They are awesome. AWESOME! just realised i'm listening to a french rock song. How odd. Ok now i'm going to abandon this computer, i need a real life.

********
But who needs a real life? When i don't really have anything else to do until my hair gets washed out in approximately ten minutes? I have work tomorrow from 10:30-5..... i wish i could decide what i want to do tomorrow night. I could just do nothing. Now that is a plan! I have no idea really, i'm just overtired and i've had v today and a gin and tonic tonight so who knows what i am on about........... Me? Maybe. SEVEN MINUTES! 7 mins.

Everyone should go to the MCA. It is amazing!!!!

This week has been really great so far! Catching up with friends and sharing the love of portugese chicken burgers = good times. I'm a bit nervous though at the moment because i've semi asked someone out... It's still only a semi thing, but still, normally I ignore the other peorson completely and run the other way. But i don't see them all the time, so if it doesn't do anything it'll be fine...Anyway, i'm sure it will be fun whatever happens!

So yeah my phone cap runs out today (finally!) so tomorrow i'll be free... my computer is still dead, so i'm writing this at tafe. Talking of tafe, i have an assessment due tomorrow. Should get cracking on that but instead i'm exploring the realms of the internet. Always fun...

Ok well enough of my rambles I must go and do something that isn't on blogger- as in work. I feel guilty using a tafe computer to do this... i should use it for work :P! byebye blog!

**
P.s. My mum stole my sister's peripherals from her computer. I think it runs in the family.... (Heather's computer is now situated in the kitchen so I can use it but mainly so there is a time limit on the internet.) I love that word, peripherals. So a note to my mum and sister: STOP STEALING MY PERIPHERALS!
It's like the word Bric-a-brac. Say it really quickly. Spit it out! I love that word-bricabrac! bricabac bricabrac bricabac......

Ok i've given up on the 'i'm going to finish an assessment now before i go to modern" thinking, because i don't think that is going to work. I keep falling asleep in modern though.... o.0 But I am not the only one! Jo does as well, she admitted it first.

Alright, now I AM LEAVING this website, as i must go to class. Bricabac!

I'm so tired its not funny. And instead of writing this i should be in bed. But even that seems like such a hard task, So i'll just sit here and type and hope for the best. Really wanted to go to a blues nite tonight, but i'm sooo stuffed. I think festivals do that for you.. my jeans and top smell like sweat, beer and cigarettes- and i didn't smoke or drink. They are sitting in my dirty clothes basket in the middle of my room. WHy in the middle i don't know. POintless rambling here, lalalalla. Presets were awweeesome. So were the klaxons, ladyhawke etc. Nevereverland was a good festival! And OMGOSH cute indie photographers! :o! well ione actually. I've never been anywhere before where i've seen more try hard indies in my life. Only got hit on twice?? I swear dance drugs and alcohol can fuck up a lot of people... I'm just glad matt was there! when i found out i had free tickets saturday morning i made frantic phone callls... met up with jack and another guy thats in my grade that i can't remember the name of afterwards justin maybe??....... so navigated our way home with them. Taxis from mall to home cost $27.10 .This is really making no sense, just thoughts eerywhere. oh well.. a bottle of water cost $4 there. more economical to buy beer. didn't though... music was fantastic... was right up the front, made friends with security guards, he kept giving us water. Last song i got squashed to death. One stage couldn't move!! But was alll good! don't wear thongs to the hordern pavillon EVER. The band Hervules or something was AMAZING. think latin, jazz and electro all jumbled to gether.! There was also a random band called the whitest guy or boy or something... they were from germany and were really funny.. i got to meet him :D! well shake hands with him and try to speak and not hear anything. aaah presets were reallly gooooooood. and random guys jumping on stage during their performance ws funny.. the look on their faces was priceless! so yeha all round great night,........... such a sloppy blogpost, i seem to write in dot points when i am tired. well dot point sentences. oh well just consider it a stream of consciousness. anyway that sleep thing.. i should probably get some. ooh in a couple of days some photographers will upload their photos so i'll get to get a few of me looking pretty stupid. yay. I'll leave you with ladyhawke 'stop.. playing with my delirium....'. ook goodnight and lets hope my next blog makes sense.

I wrote this during period one today, i was meant to be doing my ancient history assessment.

"Reborn.
There comes a time when things must change. But to be changed it must be destroyed. It is only natural to stop this, prevent it, but then again only natural to allow it to come to pass. Where do we draw the line? What is the human experience? To be blissfully happy? To enjoy the ride of life, up and down, across the mountains to really appreciate what we are all here for?

Everything seems so manageable on a lower dosage. I guess I can think, but not well enough. Now I can’t stop myself from thinking in a way- everything has so many possibilities and perspectives, options I suppose, and for an indecisive person this is even more crazy. However it has enabled me to think, process, do – which I really enjoy. Where is the balance though? The ability to feel all sensations, think through all possibilities is a wonder- amazement. But with that brings the added issue of control- how can I learn to monitor my thoughts? On a lower dose I can monitor it, because I guess I don’t have that many thoughts, but now, everything I think goes in a million different directions. I can’t stop thinking! Is this intelligence? Creativity?

I don’t seem to be satisfied with light hearted conversation anymore. I’m not satisfied with writing endless entries on my blog. I don’t know what it is, but I want something more. There are times where you just feel at ease, peaceful, ‘free’ in a sense, where everything is ok. Like on top of that rock at North Curl Curl. Or swimming in the ocean. Or lying on the veranda, with Denver curled up next to me watching the stars. Or on hiking/camping trips. Or playing your favourite song blasting out of speakers and dancing like a maniac. What is it? Am I missing something here? Is it staring me in the face and I’m too blind to see it? What am I trying to say? What am I trying to be? What am I experiencing?

Or am I simply asking too many questions, thinking too much? Maybe I just need to switch off and chill. I’ve discovered that I am in fact insecure, not modest, and there is a fine line that separates them both. I mean I am getting better, but I don’t understand why I care what people think. Yeah world, this is me. Get used to it… if I could only have that attitude on the inside.
Its like I’m on the verge of change. Or I’m nearly there to discovering something wonderful or insightful. Have you ever had that feeling? I feel like I’m nearly there, but I don’t know what there is or where ‘there’ is. Or I could just be extremely agitated and angsty against the world at the moment and none of this really makes sense at all. Too many thoughts!

I guess what I’m going to have to do is focus on each moment. Each day. And enjoy what I can, ride the waves, so to speak. Sometimes you get a good wave that takes you right into shore. Other times you get put through a washing machine. And sometimes one bad set comes in after another. Up and down. Emily, enjoy things for what they are, and enjoy each day as it comes. And maybe invest in a ‘pensive’, like Dumbledore’s… (RIP) "



***
And i could write a whole heap of stuff on top of that right now, but i'm sleepy.

Wow, today was hectic. I feel so drained o.0. Haha i maxed my library card out, had to put some books back.. so i'm on the 20 items limit. I didn't realise there was a limit.. probably a good thing.

Bought some trippy coloured looking candles that look like mushrooms. I think i won't burn them, they are so pretty! And also, they look a bit too trippy ... don't think i'd want to smell them...

Everyone is so young at school. I'm seriously considering finishing this term and then finishing my HSC through tafe next year, and going extra subjects that can be accredited to my uni degree. I feel like i'm on a completely different level.. i mean they are great and all.. but its all so.. shallow. There is so much more than school. It took me a while to realise, but now that i do, it almost makes me see through people. There is more than marks, gossip, lessons, teachers, ensembles, costumes, leave passes, vice-principals, uniforms and major works. There is something so much more beautiful than that. Outside that. I don't know what its called... life? The world is so much bigger than all that.

Who knows. Maybe i want to jump into a world more 'real' that school. I guess i don't feel like a school girl anymore. I put on the uniform but i don't really care anymore. Maybe i'm being stubborn, going into 'i can't cope with anything typical depressed persons thoughts' thing. But at least i am thinking again. And i can process. Apart from feeling sick. o.o .

What do I want to do with my life? I want to write, challenge, change people's opinions. I want to catch ferries across the harbour. Go camping near a beach. Swim at the beach, read all of shakespeare's works. I want to stay up with cups of tea and candles talking about anything and everything. I want to learn about the mind, what makes us work, think. I want to challenge people's perceptions, leave a body of works that people read in the future and are effected. I want to live a life thats connected to nature, myself, god and my friends. I want something geniune, something thats worth it. Stuff facebook and 'friends', I want real relationships... Thats the direction I want to be going in at the moment. I don['t want to comply to become a materialistic brat that ends up at 40 with a midlife crisis and a fucked up life.. thats not me. I want to live each moment, at it is. I'm taking each day as it comes. I want to change the world- it may not be a big change, but i want to leave something. Do what I can.AND GETTING A UAI OF 305 WON'T DO THAT FOR ME! Ok, i know i need a uai. Are you getting my point? There is so much more than school, than marks. And the irony is, the marks get you to the point where you can do what you want too.

I think thats enough thought spilling for this entry.

I hate feeling like this. Sick. Dizzy. Slight nausea. Mind frozen. And sleepy. Once my body is used to it, it'll be alot better. I just really don't like feeling like this.

Finished Brave New World. It was a really interesting read. Went to the library today and borrowed a whole heap of other books... The Catcher in the Rye, The Great Gatsby.. thought I'd get into some classics. ANd some poetry.

Yuck, i feel sick. I'm really missing everyone at school. It's so nice to see people when they come in for exams... but then of course they leave, to study, go home. I wish i was doing that. Instead I have to go to class. Pastoral Care. DOn't get me wrong, the year 11's are great. I just really miss our group... i feel somewhat isolated, kinda like the new kid. I'm probably just feeling like this because i'm feeling sick already. I dunno, i guess everyone gets to move on, get on with their life.. do uni, etc. And yet here i am, still in highschool. It's only one year.. i just don't want to loose everyone... I'm just in a crap mood. I'm sure it will be ok. I guess i'm scared of loosing friendships because of distance, or because people have moved on to uni life. I want to move on, believe me! It was really my dream... so i suppose i am mourning a dream? and yet, i've learnt so much about myself.

Reading brave new world got me thinking about happiness. Is it just an induced state of mind? is it something we long to create, to escape the harsh reality? Or can we be truly be happy, by being content, or by God? What has happened when happiness is defined by materialistic gain, physical gratification or how much money is in the bank? The economic world is collapsing, and maybe we should stop and look. Have we wasted our dreams on items bigger and better, and should have been investing dreams into each other? Into family, nature, love? Why do we continue to deny ourselves what we really need, want our soul and spirit needs, even desires to function, yet we supress it with physical attraction, mobile phones or cars. WHy don't we believe in love anymore? In spirituality? In connections to one an other, as human beings? Why can't we tell people what we really think of them? So many questions, so many answers. What is it about human nature that makes it so? Sure, we aren't perfect. How did I get depression? emotional factors? environment? genetics? divorce? Is it simply the absence of real happiness, and i'm denying my true existence or 'me' by taking medication? Making the world seem better? How can my mind turn against me, how do you loose control? Because its unhappy? What has happened to our society? We've lost our minds!

Big ramble. Here's the beginning of a poem i wrote yesterday. Wrote it after reading Brave new world.

Happiness is a state of mind
But read between the lines
A state of naivety
Where the world does not keep its form
But opens
To reveal the glorious chaos
Of our manufactured reality

What defines wrong from right?
The distinction of moral justice
Preconditioned not by choice
To rule
To roam
The realms of one's self.

It appears my blogs have turned into a few words here and there. Wow.

Today was really difficult. I got told that I was meant to be absent and was sent home. I have an estimate for my english HSC... but it feels so weird... It used to be my pride and joy... my best subject. My medication is going up again after my bio exam because apparently my cognitive skills haven't come back- hence my inability to beable to process essays. But i am so much better than I was this time last year. I'm aware of everything now and I know how to keep everything under control... well I know what to do and what not to do.

This time last year I was in denial about everything that ever hit me, running on anxiety and trying to do everything for everyone else but myself. I think now though I'm comfortable with accepting my little issues etc because everyone is not perfect. I was trying to be perfect!!

Don't mind me blog, just trying to make myself feel better.

Going back to school though has been really strange... I feel like there's this big age gap or maturity gap. They're all so excited about their HSC and have got it all planned out... oh, the naivety!! It reminds me of how we all were... "I can't believe we're in year 12!! " etc.

In some aspects I feel like I've failed. In others I haven't.. depends on what the marking guidlines are.... i guess i'm not the perfect-average-student-who-does-everything-and-loves-everyone kinda girl anymore. I'm Emily, taking each day as it comes... and focusing on developing myself and my mind, not 100%'s. And until this has all past, i'm going to have to accept that......

No idea where this was going. Anyway I am rather sleepy, althoughI did sleep four hours today already...goodnight xo.

I'm fucking insane!! That's all i can come to logically. Hang on, what logic???? I'm a walking contradiction! Thats the logic!! I've always said, blah blah, i would never find myself in anyone else, but my whole life, i've always done that. I'm nice to people because i need their approval to form my identity. And now because I am so distant and not constantly getting everyones approval subconsciously, now, i'm having a fucking identity crisis! I'm always doing everything i do for other people, so they life me, so they approve, so they think i'm nice , all my life and its only now that i notice it. Does anyone know me? Know who I am? All i know at the moment is that I'm Emily, I'm a writer. And i've lost the plot. Oh no, I'm thinking, I swore in my blog.. what will people think? I don't care at the moment. I really don't care what you think- but thats the irony. Because deep down wired in my messed up brain, i do care. And I am so good at wearing my mask, but at the moment its getting really thin.At this point in time, i don't care. I have issues. I'm feeling angry, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, on edge and i'm going to say that. I'm finding it hard to cope with keeping my life together, balanced. I haven't slept properly for a week. And I don't want sympathy, so please, keep it to yourself. I'm really sick of the knowingful looks and the hapy faces. Sometimes, things are not ok. That's life. I know things will get better, but at the moment i'm just so fucking FRUSTRATED! Ha, some alliteration for you. It's like i'm caught between some weird space time continuim, trying to figure out who I am without everybody else. I'm stuck in limbo land, not severely depressed, but not back to 'normality' (what ever that may be)... SO FRUSTRATING. It just seems to be this spiral. Maybe a vicious Absurdist cycle.

And its ok to feel like this. Because at least I'm feeling something. And feelings change.

What to do??? I am sitting in a public library trying to fill in time. Usually i can waste hours! But now, i can't....... Saw Indiana Jones this morning. It was brilliant!! Absolutely brilliant! "I want knowledge.." Lol. *yawn*. Any suggestions? I could explore the mall more but then I'll spend more money... i've already bought a starwars lego game... I'll go look at the library cds.. yes thats an idea. SO TIRED! Ok. Goodbye.

Not yet...... Actually yes yet. Bye!

Jerseys are fantastic! And I finished English.. but its like one of the worst assignments i've ever done I swear.... ah well. At least I handed it in.. thats the main thing.

I made it through this week! Amazing! :D! So glad that I did. I bought a new moisturiser yesterday- it was recommended by both Elliot and Ariane- its really great, oil free, light and it has SPF protection! Yay! I'm going to my Dad's house this arvo... should be fun....

Anyway I need to do some more important stuff :P! Cya....

Sooo yeah. School tomorrow. Essay due tomorrow. HSC really begins tomorrow. Etc.

My goal this year is to be a person at the end of this year, not a number. I need to keep my mental health my priority... and maybe I won't do as well as I could do but at this point in time I really need to focus on getting better and managing everything :). Which I will do. :D. I'm not sure whether I have gotten better or worse since last term, but I do know that I have had a great opportunity to relax... and get some peace of mind.And that is always important. Although I get so frustrated about the stigma of mental health. Yeah, I don't really like talking about my 'personal well being' (to say it politely) with everybody and everyone, but there is such a lack of understanding in our society about it. So i suppose if i slightly mention it on this blog here and there (not that many people read this) and if one person is more aware of mental health, than I'll be happy. It's so incredibly frustrating for me because when a person is physically sick it is quite obvious but when a person is mentally sick- which could have far worse consequences- it is not obvious and there is hardly any awareness or understanding. And at the moment I am quite annoyed with this 'self help' book that I found. I picked it up (it was a Christian one) but i was infuriated about the way they went about it. Yes, I know i have been suffering these symptoms.. you don't have to talk to me like I'm stupid.. it just made me feel even more guilty that I wasn't a 'good Christian girl'. Yes, i know. Christians aren't meant to be perfect- everybody has their problems. Just the wording of the book got me started because it was like it was my fault i had been feeling 'those symptoms'. I might have let a few things go and maybe if I was more organised things may not have turned out this way, but to open a book like it did is just ridiculous. The jargon as well... o.0. My relationship with God doesn't involve 'jargon'- it involves God and I. He has pulled me out of depression before, and i know He can do it again. But I just don't need those type of books making me feel like i've done something wrong to deserve this when I know I haven't... isn't believing you have a sickness from sin an Old Testament principle? An understanding doesn't throw psychological theories about. That's what this book did.. started off with the girl who had everything but lost a boyfriend and became depressed.Come on! If you are going to write a book on depression, make it appeal and relate to the 'depressed person' so they will actually read it and change. Not throw the book back on the shelf and never pick it up again.

Sorry bit of a ramble there. But I feel better now. :D!

ARGH!

Year 12 has been going great.. its fantastic to be doing all the subjects i want to do! SRC camp was fun and very productive... today was adventurous.. went on an english extension 2 excursion!! It was a lecturer.. Ms Carolan = red pen..

Something that i can't get out of my mind was i got a look today thats just annoying me so i'm going to ramble on about it here. It was one of those judgemental 'omgosh what are you doing here' looks. And it just made me a bit annoyed. I'm not going to get that worked out about it.. But still, just think twice before you do that to someone. I just shrugged it off- i'm not going to change my appearance or whatever for someone- but i just feels so degrading!! Anyway, enough of that. I'm just going to be myself and that's all i can be. Each day i feel like i'm slowly discovering more and more about myself- its a great feeling!!!!!

I have psychology skills. :D. WOot. ( i love how the mind works...)

Hey everyone. Just thought I'd say hello from the south coast, from my grandparents house :D. The last three days have been so jam packed, but great none the less, and it has been wonderful to catch up with people and get to do some pretty cool stuff. "Pretty cool stuff" sounds very vague, but it encapsulates about everything I have done in the last 72 hours. I will try and quickly list what has happened:

1. Unofficially became a year 12 on Thursday. Learnt how to sent up a tent and how to say goodbye to some amazing people. Also went to the beach (for the second day in the row) in celebration of finishing our exams!! On Wednesday it was a fantastic feeling that I had FINALLY finished my exams!!!
2. Thursday night, my sister and I stayed up packing until about 11:30. On Friday morning we got up at 6:30 (groooaaan) to leave for Penrith. This short amount of sleep is an achievement in its self.
3. FRIDAY! We got to Penrith, bumped into Kieren straight away!! It was really great to catch up with everyone... :D
4. Heather and I left to get our haircut... weee.. my hair is now layered (finally) and looks great straightened or with a blowdry. At the moment it looks horrible, but I'm on holiday, so it doesn't really matter.
5. Friday night, arrived in Canberra. Watched Ms Congeniality!! For the first time! Great movie. Caught up with Bethany, Jane and Chris. Felt right at home there. I really would love to spend more time there.
6. Saturday- straightened my hair. Felt like a rockstar. I wore my red shoes- (how i love my red shoes...) and travelled to my grandparents house. (Down the south coast..). Went to my Mum's old high school and saw some of her old class mates! (it was my mums 30 years class of 77 or something reunion..) Met Ralph. He is so incredibly cool! My mum went to school with him.
7. Sunday- MAGIC MOUNTAIN! (Small Amusement park) SO MUCH FUN! I went on the Go Karts, the silver slidey thing, the roller coaster seven times in a row (i was really dizzy afterwards...), the maze, the slipperydip with carpet and mini golf. I did these activites several times, and my sister has now decided that she won't come in a car with me because i didn't use the break in the go karts. hahahaha. I was really proud that i defeated my fear of rollercoasters (even if this was a small one..). Caught up with Lilly, Trish, Andrew, Meg and Kate. After that we had CHOCOALTE PADDLEPOPS! and then went to Trish's to watch the football. *tear* Manly. At least we came second!! But i can't BELIEVE what happened to player number one!! :O! I think he has a right side brain injury, because his right hand kept curling up.
8. So now I sit on Monday at my Pa's computer typing away. I've started reading "The Power of One' and it is an amazing book. Really confronting. It's made me go teary a few times, and i have only read about 150 pages!!!

I've dressed up the last two days, which has been great, it makes so feel like you are on top of the world. But right now I am sitting in my tracksuit pants and my U2 tour tshirt and this feels just as good. To think that I will be in Year 12 next term doing work that counts towards my HSc is kind of daunting, but I'm coming into terms with it more and more. I guess all my previous years of schooling and life experience has been preparing me for this time, this chapter in my life. And there is no use fearing it, but embracing it. I know i can freak out saying next year I'll be 18 etc, but i think i am just going to enjoy life now. Not worry about the future. The future will come, and I'm just going to trust God in the future, and hope that the decisions and paths i step and carve now will carry me into the right future. This is our time. Our HSC. Let's embrace and make the best of it.. :)

Pigeons are really dirty, you know. And diseased. They hang around garbage and essentially that's what they turn into. Garbage. I had my biology prelim today.. i went ok! From biology we have learnt that organisms adapt to their environment.. and only some survive, hence the survival of the fittest. On a philosophical sense, using those pigeons as an example, what happens when we hang around different environments? Do we adapt or change to suit the environment or do we still remain ourselves? Does that environment determine who we are? Nature vs. nurture debate. I've noticed when i hang around different people I can be different but i think that is just various sides to my personality. Or it may be because i am adapting to my environment- to better accommodate the needs/feelings of myself and the other person. What do think?

On a lighter note, thank you to Belinda and Serena :D. For the maths 'study' time. Unfortunately we are not real men because we can't drink the man solo, but we sure can study!! :P

Goodluck with all your prelims :D!

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Random lyric. (in title). From ' Standing in the way of Control' by The Gossip. Or Gossip, I'm not sure. I really like this song.

ok, here we go. OMGOSH PRELIMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND OMGOSH DRAMA PERFORMANCE AND GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :D.

Australian Idol. Wow. I love all of them.. well most of them. And the really cool guy that sang Coldplay! And the guy who did a version of JT's Cry me a river! A wonderful arrangement!

My Mum is leaving for Adelaide tomorrow. She's talking at this medical conference... So my Dad is coming up to look after us. Lol i'm going to be non existant this week because of me studying for exams. :D. oooomgosh prelimsssssssss.........

Just meet the outcomes. :D. weeeee....

I was thinking about the saying 'revenge is a dish best served cold'. I'm not really the type of person who takes reenge on anything really. I might doing something silly with my sister (haha) but nothing that serious or 'cold'. The thing that strikes me is when I watch other people's behavious generally, and i (yes i watch people and over analyse every single thing they do, and contribute that to their personality etc, its just something i do :P) see that they are acting out of revenge i sometimes don't understand why. Or even when ilook at what someone is doing, i think about the motive behind it, whether it be good or a bad thing. I love studying other people (and unlike a few years ago) lol i don't cast judgements from my high almighty throne. I use what i observe to explain the person and to get a better understanding of who they are. Which i think is a great thing. Like body language! Oh, the wonders of body language! And tone of voice! These two things unlock nearly everything in a person and what they are saying, and what they are really trying to say. Or what their real intenions are. And sometimes, you just don't want to know. But i always look too deeply. Try to understand. Understand, i'm not sure what. But just to understand... and sometimes i don't like what i find.

I must sleep. Goodnight.

Oh, before I go- MIMI! LOL we have silver hairspray ... yay.! and i swear, when i've finished this HSC- i'm going to go get a boyfriend or something. My love life is dead o.0. Still got your list Mimi? mwahaha. Look out. (p.s. i hope you can pick up sarcasm!!!!!!!!!!!)

:D

I would like to say that I am in fact, crazy. I know it didn't take you much time to realise this, but for me, this self realisation comes as a shock. I guess today I was just feeling a bit emotional... no, not emo .. but emotional. :D. Ashleigh's hair is so cool. And it was Elizabeth's birthday today, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Yay, another one is 17. Soon we will take over the world..
I guess i find some things a bit difficult at times.
Randomly, i was thinking about the saying 'true blue' and you know when you really get to know someone you see who they really are and what they are like? I wonder what i'm seen as.. like what people think of me when they really know me. I'd love to hear someone's version of trying to explain me. Haha. Actually, it would be a bit weird.. but still it would be very interesting. Except lol i'd rather it someone that i actually trust, not just a random 'your parents are divorce therefore you are destined to be an emo'. o.0. That's definitely not true.
Sorry its just me rambling on and on and on. I'll go do some maths. XD.
(i'm sooo sleepy. stupid ancestral platypus.......)

Spring is here! I know because i think i have hayfever. XD. So i'll be taking some hayfever tablets tomorrow haha. Well i think i'll be like one of the only people in my grade at school tomorrow because tonight, well right now, is our year 11 formal. I didn't go and now i think i have finally come to terms with my decision. Yes, i chose not to go. ALthough i did choose a concert over the formal and now i don't think i am going to that concert, i did choose not to go. And now i am finally ready to say that yes, my mum didn't like the sound of it and i really did want to go, but i guess I didn't really feel safe. And I'm going to be obedient to God and i guess that's all i can do. "Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test God's will...." or something along those lines. I just feel like something bad was going to happen there tonight.. and maybe nothing will happen!! But i'm going to trust God.. and that's all i can do. You know, one thing i've noticed throughout my life is that i am incredibly stubborn. But also i have a tendency to stand strong in my opinion- whether i stand strong verbally is another matter- but i have never really backed down on my 'morals' if you want to call them that. I won't do something everyone else is if it compromises what i believe in and what i stand for. Also, if i am just being incredibly stubborn, i won't do what others tell me to do :P. I really dislike the feeling of being pushed into a mould or a box and having other peoples expectations thrown on me and to act or be like who everyone wants me to be. And i know i might ramble about this way too much.. but i guess i am human, and by me rambling on about all this stuff i guess i am reaffirming my beliefs and my belief in myself. If i can be completely honest with you the last two weeks have been rather hard. And the last few days.. have been like woaha. I'm struggling, but i am getting there. I really would have loved to go the formal, but my conscience wouldn't let me go. And it's much harder to go against the crowd that to stand along with it. That's right. Picture the salmon trying to get upstream. Classic image. Except my motive, unlike the salmon, is not to go against the flow to get upstream and find a mate. It's just that all today people were like 'who are you going as to the formal??' like allll day.. i love fancy dress! but i am being obedient and yeahhh... (i should probably explain the circumstances.. supposedly there will be more people from other schools than my school and there will be looooads of stuff that shouldn't be there)... I dunnno. i've just got to be strong i guess and i believe that it was for a reason. This blog is a lot more personal haha. I feel a bit vulnerable writing all this up and everyone being able to read it.. o.0 . Anyway i'll leave you blog with a bible verse i found this morning: "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed" says the LORD who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10 So I'm going to go and have a shower, wash my hair. It's always great to wash your hair. I think I am learning how to be obedient to God and to have the self discipline to follow it through kind thing. Whatever it is, i'm sure its for a reason... hmm somewhere it says 'lean not on your own understanding'. I don't understand. So I trust God. :D.

I would just like to say, that I don't think anyone is more 'cool' because they drink. If anything, if you brag to me about how you got so drunk last night you couldn't remember anything, i just start thinking how uncool they are. Yeah, i still respect you as a person and the choices you make, but please don't rub it in my face. My decision is not to go crazy and drink til i can't remember anything. My decision is to wait, and enjoy the taste. Don't make me feel inferior. And don't talk to me like i am in experienced. Just because you've had 'x' amount of hangovers, doesn't mean you're more experienced than I am. It just means that you've had more headaches. I don't mind hearing about it, but if someone makes me feel inferior about this because I haven't done anything I just get annoyed. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. Especially when you've had too much to drink. You've got your choices, and I've got mine. I respect you and now it's time to respect my decisions. :D!

Sorry, random rant. Just needed to get that out of me. :D. Yay for blogs.