I feel bleh. As undefined and as wonderful as that phrase suggests! St Patricks Day was fun... but now I must focus on tafe...... Trying to think of some news! Nothing really that exciting... guess i'm not in a blog writing moood... maths....... and stuff needs to be done... farewell..

It appears my blogs have turned into a few words here and there. Wow.

Today was really difficult. I got told that I was meant to be absent and was sent home. I have an estimate for my english HSC... but it feels so weird... It used to be my pride and joy... my best subject. My medication is going up again after my bio exam because apparently my cognitive skills haven't come back- hence my inability to beable to process essays. But i am so much better than I was this time last year. I'm aware of everything now and I know how to keep everything under control... well I know what to do and what not to do.

This time last year I was in denial about everything that ever hit me, running on anxiety and trying to do everything for everyone else but myself. I think now though I'm comfortable with accepting my little issues etc because everyone is not perfect. I was trying to be perfect!!

Don't mind me blog, just trying to make myself feel better.

Going back to school though has been really strange... I feel like there's this big age gap or maturity gap. They're all so excited about their HSC and have got it all planned out... oh, the naivety!! It reminds me of how we all were... "I can't believe we're in year 12!! " etc.

In some aspects I feel like I've failed. In others I haven't.. depends on what the marking guidlines are.... i guess i'm not the perfect-average-student-who-does-everything-and-loves-everyone kinda girl anymore. I'm Emily, taking each day as it comes... and focusing on developing myself and my mind, not 100%'s. And until this has all past, i'm going to have to accept that......

No idea where this was going. Anyway I am rather sleepy, althoughI did sleep four hours today already...goodnight xo.

whoops.. just accidently deleted this post.

The words got jumbled.. and it made me look crazier than i actually am!

All you have to do is hold me...
If you trust me, love me, let me... Maybe...

Some random lyrics from "maybe" by Kelly Clarkson.

I feel a bit surreal at the moment.. weird feeling. But it all starts tomorrow.. so let's hope/pray that all goes well. Today is the last day!

Next week should be very interesting... o.0.. 5 assessments..... on top of other things.... Oh well. It'll be ok.

Now I will ramble in my journal. Ciao.

Sooo yeah. School tomorrow. Essay due tomorrow. HSC really begins tomorrow. Etc.

My goal this year is to be a person at the end of this year, not a number. I need to keep my mental health my priority... and maybe I won't do as well as I could do but at this point in time I really need to focus on getting better and managing everything :). Which I will do. :D. I'm not sure whether I have gotten better or worse since last term, but I do know that I have had a great opportunity to relax... and get some peace of mind.And that is always important. Although I get so frustrated about the stigma of mental health. Yeah, I don't really like talking about my 'personal well being' (to say it politely) with everybody and everyone, but there is such a lack of understanding in our society about it. So i suppose if i slightly mention it on this blog here and there (not that many people read this) and if one person is more aware of mental health, than I'll be happy. It's so incredibly frustrating for me because when a person is physically sick it is quite obvious but when a person is mentally sick- which could have far worse consequences- it is not obvious and there is hardly any awareness or understanding. And at the moment I am quite annoyed with this 'self help' book that I found. I picked it up (it was a Christian one) but i was infuriated about the way they went about it. Yes, I know i have been suffering these symptoms.. you don't have to talk to me like I'm stupid.. it just made me feel even more guilty that I wasn't a 'good Christian girl'. Yes, i know. Christians aren't meant to be perfect- everybody has their problems. Just the wording of the book got me started because it was like it was my fault i had been feeling 'those symptoms'. I might have let a few things go and maybe if I was more organised things may not have turned out this way, but to open a book like it did is just ridiculous. The jargon as well... o.0. My relationship with God doesn't involve 'jargon'- it involves God and I. He has pulled me out of depression before, and i know He can do it again. But I just don't need those type of books making me feel like i've done something wrong to deserve this when I know I haven't... isn't believing you have a sickness from sin an Old Testament principle? An understanding doesn't throw psychological theories about. That's what this book did.. started off with the girl who had everything but lost a boyfriend and became depressed.Come on! If you are going to write a book on depression, make it appeal and relate to the 'depressed person' so they will actually read it and change. Not throw the book back on the shelf and never pick it up again.

Sorry bit of a ramble there. But I feel better now. :D!

Hi Blog! Sorry that I have neglected you for a long time. That last term was my first term of my HSC (Oh the juxtapositioning and irony of that!?!) and turned out to be a very, very interesting term. In fact the last 3 months have been really interesting. I've just got to keep walking, and I know I will make it through. I kinda have to anyway, since this is my last year at school, dare I think about it. I'm really excited about the possibilities beyond school but I am also going to miss the school structure!! I won't jump the gun or speak to soon though, as I have a whole year to say my goodbyes. Less than that actually, but I won't go into specifics.

My holidays have been great! I don't feel like rambling on about it here because I will be bound to miss something out, so come and talk to me if you would like me to ellaborate on what I've done. To give you the short version I've been to my grandparents house, The Basin and in the Southern Tablelandsish area and I've had all sorts of adventures! So if you have nothing else to do, feel free to call me up and we can chat, (not just about my holiday :P) OR CALL ME UP and say: "Emily, let's to coffee" and I'll squeal and say: "Sure thing!!". (And if you said "Emily, let's do Max Brenner" and you were an attractive male, I think I'd squeal even more.. or faint :P).

If there is a reader reading this, I hope you are having a fantastic holiday!!! :D!

I refuse to be a statistic.

And hear me, I will NEVER go back there again. Never.

My perspectives will be clear, expectations will vanish, and I will get through this.

I will get through this.

I might be slightly sloppier than a dogs breakfast, and just a tad emotional but I will get through this.

I've got the God who created the universe on my side- and I can do all things through Him who STRENGTHENS me.

I will not let this get to me. I will get through this. I will.

I don't care how many tears it takes- I will get through this.

I will get through this.

So the game has finally started... Year 12. YEAR TWELVE! And I have now dropped maths and it appears I am doing three major works.. hmmm i think I will be able to do it. I've talked to three teachers about it, and they were all like 'follow your heart' (Three teachers said the same thing..) and so that's what i am going to do. I love the quote from the Power of One it says "First with your head and then with your heart" and hopefully that's what i am doing. :).

I've got all but maths back for my prelims.. I did ok! Suprisingly, my worse subject was English... o.0. And my highest has been S&C- with 20/20 for my first essay and 17/20 for my second. :D!

Things have been quite interesting at school socially lately! It's so interesting to see how everything inter-relates and sometimes its just fun to watch how people relate and react to others. Lol, sometimes i'm just so lazy in group situations. :D. i can just observe... But i think that with what has been going on the people involved have handled it beautifully- they have showed a huge amount of emotionally maturity. I doubt anyone from my group actually even reads this, but its great to see how all of you have changed in the last year! Wee for growing up..

And on that note, i must go and read some drama notes. :D

Hey everyone. Just thought I'd say hello from the south coast, from my grandparents house :D. The last three days have been so jam packed, but great none the less, and it has been wonderful to catch up with people and get to do some pretty cool stuff. "Pretty cool stuff" sounds very vague, but it encapsulates about everything I have done in the last 72 hours. I will try and quickly list what has happened:

1. Unofficially became a year 12 on Thursday. Learnt how to sent up a tent and how to say goodbye to some amazing people. Also went to the beach (for the second day in the row) in celebration of finishing our exams!! On Wednesday it was a fantastic feeling that I had FINALLY finished my exams!!!
2. Thursday night, my sister and I stayed up packing until about 11:30. On Friday morning we got up at 6:30 (groooaaan) to leave for Penrith. This short amount of sleep is an achievement in its self.
3. FRIDAY! We got to Penrith, bumped into Kieren straight away!! It was really great to catch up with everyone... :D
4. Heather and I left to get our haircut... weee.. my hair is now layered (finally) and looks great straightened or with a blowdry. At the moment it looks horrible, but I'm on holiday, so it doesn't really matter.
5. Friday night, arrived in Canberra. Watched Ms Congeniality!! For the first time! Great movie. Caught up with Bethany, Jane and Chris. Felt right at home there. I really would love to spend more time there.
6. Saturday- straightened my hair. Felt like a rockstar. I wore my red shoes- (how i love my red shoes...) and travelled to my grandparents house. (Down the south coast..). Went to my Mum's old high school and saw some of her old class mates! (it was my mums 30 years class of 77 or something reunion..) Met Ralph. He is so incredibly cool! My mum went to school with him.
7. Sunday- MAGIC MOUNTAIN! (Small Amusement park) SO MUCH FUN! I went on the Go Karts, the silver slidey thing, the roller coaster seven times in a row (i was really dizzy afterwards...), the maze, the slipperydip with carpet and mini golf. I did these activites several times, and my sister has now decided that she won't come in a car with me because i didn't use the break in the go karts. hahahaha. I was really proud that i defeated my fear of rollercoasters (even if this was a small one..). Caught up with Lilly, Trish, Andrew, Meg and Kate. After that we had CHOCOALTE PADDLEPOPS! and then went to Trish's to watch the football. *tear* Manly. At least we came second!! But i can't BELIEVE what happened to player number one!! :O! I think he has a right side brain injury, because his right hand kept curling up.
8. So now I sit on Monday at my Pa's computer typing away. I've started reading "The Power of One' and it is an amazing book. Really confronting. It's made me go teary a few times, and i have only read about 150 pages!!!

I've dressed up the last two days, which has been great, it makes so feel like you are on top of the world. But right now I am sitting in my tracksuit pants and my U2 tour tshirt and this feels just as good. To think that I will be in Year 12 next term doing work that counts towards my HSc is kind of daunting, but I'm coming into terms with it more and more. I guess all my previous years of schooling and life experience has been preparing me for this time, this chapter in my life. And there is no use fearing it, but embracing it. I know i can freak out saying next year I'll be 18 etc, but i think i am just going to enjoy life now. Not worry about the future. The future will come, and I'm just going to trust God in the future, and hope that the decisions and paths i step and carve now will carry me into the right future. This is our time. Our HSC. Let's embrace and make the best of it.. :)

Well I went to the Sydney Uni Open day yesterday. I'm in love. Head over heels. I am DEFINITELY going to Sydney Uni. I just feel so comfortable and at home there.. the buildings are beautiful!! :D. I went with Ashleigh, Tavis, Serena and Hayley-Jayne... we all went to the courses we wanted to see and everything and I bought a sydney uni note book!! Weee it looks so great.. (except now i have 6 new unused notebooks and I have come to the conclusion that i am slightly obsessed with notebooks.. although it's fair to say that I got a whole heap of notebooks (YAY) for my birthday, so i didn't purchase all of them :P.) Anyway, Sydney Uni is tops, and i can't wait to be there in 2009. *eeeeeeek omgosh HSC*.

This week has been interesting... I'm still behind in my school work and my social life apart from going to Sydney Uni is non existent. But i think that's the way its going to be for quite a while. Let's see how long its going to take for me to go insane.. I'm guessing just before prelims. I'll die. Sanity death wise, not physically. Yeaaaah.

It's really interesting seeing how people relate, and how people have changed. I reckon a lot of life is about growing as a person- and that growth comes from how you handle situations. Will you rise above them, step on top of them or will you just stay complaining about how things never worked out when I was 5 because my big brother didn't give me a lolly? lol, i mean obviously the past is going to influence your future, but it will either be positive or negative. I love it how God can heal the bits in your past that hurt and stop you from moving forward, and then by Him healing your heart, you can then go into the future.

*new topic* My sister and I had this random arguement the other day about how she thought it was sad that I was 17 and 'had never been kissed' or had a boyfriend. (lol, haha the first guy i kissed was like when I was 6 or 7, in a garden shed, when we were getting married. Lol, i guess thats not really a proper thing.. oh and LOL last year at HAA.. that's right.. the 'first' guy i accidently kissed was gay hahahahaha. Ok i hope if you are reading this you can tell i'm being silly in these brackets.. :P) The thing is, I don't believe that my life would be any more complete by having that boyfriend or having that first kiss. I mean sure, it would be great, but i really don't see anything working out with anybody at this time in my life. Lol, and anyway i need to focus on my hsc. A lot of people think that they need a significant other but for me i think i would rather wait. Until i'm at uni, finished school... that kinda thing. Lol because i know when i meet a guy that i would love to spend the rest of my life with, i think i'd just go head over heels (haha more so than my love for sydney uni). And i don't believe that every teenager should have to go through their first love and their first heartbreak and their first whatever. And I'm not going to use 'love' to fill a hole or to complete me.

ANYWAY sorry massive long ramble. I need to finish my AH speech. Hope you are all well and healthy (stay away from the flu!!) and have a great week!! xox

P.s. My haircut is working :D!