I'm fucking insane!! That's all i can come to logically. Hang on, what logic???? I'm a walking contradiction! Thats the logic!! I've always said, blah blah, i would never find myself in anyone else, but my whole life, i've always done that. I'm nice to people because i need their approval to form my identity. And now because I am so distant and not constantly getting everyones approval subconsciously, now, i'm having a fucking identity crisis! I'm always doing everything i do for other people, so they life me, so they approve, so they think i'm nice , all my life and its only now that i notice it. Does anyone know me? Know who I am? All i know at the moment is that I'm Emily, I'm a writer. And i've lost the plot. Oh no, I'm thinking, I swore in my blog.. what will people think? I don't care at the moment. I really don't care what you think- but thats the irony. Because deep down wired in my messed up brain, i do care. And I am so good at wearing my mask, but at the moment its getting really thin.At this point in time, i don't care. I have issues. I'm feeling angry, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, on edge and i'm going to say that. I'm finding it hard to cope with keeping my life together, balanced. I haven't slept properly for a week. And I don't want sympathy, so please, keep it to yourself. I'm really sick of the knowingful looks and the hapy faces. Sometimes, things are not ok. That's life. I know things will get better, but at the moment i'm just so fucking FRUSTRATED! Ha, some alliteration for you. It's like i'm caught between some weird space time continuim, trying to figure out who I am without everybody else. I'm stuck in limbo land, not severely depressed, but not back to 'normality' (what ever that may be)... SO FRUSTRATING. It just seems to be this spiral. Maybe a vicious Absurdist cycle.

And its ok to feel like this. Because at least I'm feeling something. And feelings change.