I'm learning a lot at the moment...well i'm not if the word is 'learn', but i've had a collection of experiences over the last few weeks- and i feel like i'm somehow coming together! I miss quite a few people though... Nin, if you are reading this, we must go on an adventure ! :D Come over for a few days and i'll take you to my favourite place in Manly! And Skye- we must meet soon! Remind me to send some letters.

And that's it really- i'm cruising along...

Oh the irony! Today i worked 8-8. And i had the flu. So i was coughing and spluttering and cursing my inability to be able to take strong flu medicine and advising people on what they should take. I hate being sick.

Me + Random at Nevereverland. :D

woooo just finished a big clean up/tidy up of the house / my room. feels good to have a tidy room. i used this spray for the floor though and now my room smells like manufactured flowers... quite strongly actually! So now I evacuate....

Sometimes i just don't get it! The absurdity of life and situations, the complexities I continue to learn of which obliterate any childhood hopes or ways of thinking i hold on to. For once I will say, ignorance is bliss. Only in some situations. BUt the thing is ... well i actually just forgot what i was writing about. Oh yeah, i remember, family life.

Tell me something i don't know
Something I can't feel
Give me more than your words
More than I can see
In my mind your are
Complete
The father and king of kings
But in reality
We are only human
And who are you
To disagree with humanity?

I don't know what you say
Or know what you mean
Miscommunication flies across
A silver screen
Just tell me what you mean
And not what you say
We're on two different ships
And we're floating away....

I need you to show me how to escape.

I'm so tired its not funny. And instead of writing this i should be in bed. But even that seems like such a hard task, So i'll just sit here and type and hope for the best. Really wanted to go to a blues nite tonight, but i'm sooo stuffed. I think festivals do that for you.. my jeans and top smell like sweat, beer and cigarettes- and i didn't smoke or drink. They are sitting in my dirty clothes basket in the middle of my room. WHy in the middle i don't know. POintless rambling here, lalalalla. Presets were awweeesome. So were the klaxons, ladyhawke etc. Nevereverland was a good festival! And OMGOSH cute indie photographers! :o! well ione actually. I've never been anywhere before where i've seen more try hard indies in my life. Only got hit on twice?? I swear dance drugs and alcohol can fuck up a lot of people... I'm just glad matt was there! when i found out i had free tickets saturday morning i made frantic phone callls... met up with jack and another guy thats in my grade that i can't remember the name of afterwards justin maybe??....... so navigated our way home with them. Taxis from mall to home cost $27.10 .This is really making no sense, just thoughts eerywhere. oh well.. a bottle of water cost $4 there. more economical to buy beer. didn't though... music was fantastic... was right up the front, made friends with security guards, he kept giving us water. Last song i got squashed to death. One stage couldn't move!! But was alll good! don't wear thongs to the hordern pavillon EVER. The band Hervules or something was AMAZING. think latin, jazz and electro all jumbled to gether.! There was also a random band called the whitest guy or boy or something... they were from germany and were really funny.. i got to meet him :D! well shake hands with him and try to speak and not hear anything. aaah presets were reallly gooooooood. and random guys jumping on stage during their performance ws funny.. the look on their faces was priceless! so yeha all round great night,........... such a sloppy blogpost, i seem to write in dot points when i am tired. well dot point sentences. oh well just consider it a stream of consciousness. anyway that sleep thing.. i should probably get some. ooh in a couple of days some photographers will upload their photos so i'll get to get a few of me looking pretty stupid. yay. I'll leave you with ladyhawke 'stop.. playing with my delirium....'. ook goodnight and lets hope my next blog makes sense.

Presets were AMAZING!

Ok, now i must sleep. Since it is 2:15am in the morning.

I keep coming back to my blog to write something, but i can't seem to express it.
Ever since i made the decision to finish my hsc through tafe next year, everything has been so good, i've been happy. It's weird, but i've been waiting for something to go wrong.. I'm not used to feeling ok all the time. Like when i've started going down i've been able to catch myself and bring myelf back.. maybe i have a sense of impending doom. Hahaha i shouldn't be complaining... i guess i feel like i might be doing something horribly wrong but not know it...... i guess everything feels completely different, and i'm so excited about next year , but a bit of me is going "what on earth is going on???'. I feel like this is the best i've felt since i can remember- i feel alive and free in a sense... I'm just not used to feeling like this, its been so long since i've felt 'happy'. YAY FOR THE CORRECT AMOUNT OF DRUGS, LIFE CHOICES, SLEEP, LIFE BALANCING AND HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been trying to write a meaningful blog for the last few days now. But i can't seem to articulate what's been going on, I've just been enjoying everything! It's amazing what a decision can do - I'm so excited about next year now!!
So apart from being attacked by a ferret, being addicted to QC and having a blast at insitu, those are the real events that stand out. Ever since thursday its been great :D

I guess i'm not in a blogging mood.. hehe oh well .





**


Maybe i'm feeling what is beyond words?? ON TOP OF THE WORLD, BABY!


Okay, maybe not that hyped up.

Funniest comic.

schoolies was great!

and i've now decided what i am going to do next year. such a relief.

in like 30mins i'm leaving for schooooolies :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D!!!!

It's FINALLY HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 10 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night.. i'll be honest. I haven't felt like i did then for a long time. And what i hate, is that the medication induces these states, and then i need to take another type to fix it. When will this stop? I wrote this about last night.

Pop a pill
Take the pain away
You're lost inside your head
Again.
Release wrapped
In tin foil
Shaking hands
Reluctant mnd
To finish waht
The meds started.

Electricity running through my brain
Faster
Round and round it goes
Where it stops
Only I know

But hush,
Here comes this ectasy
Of release
Relief
Retardation of thoughts
To relax
Restrain
The mind that does not know itself.

The power is off
All systems down
Normality achieved
Though secure, sedated and a secret
My heart
Screams
Where is my mind?

Formal was great.. at times bittersweet, but great... just glad the lights were low when i was dancing :P. Oh well, had heeeaps of fun, managed to completely embarrass myself dancing... haha... I blame Krista! :P
Anyway it was so good seeing everyone dressed up and looking fabulous, i'll post pics soon! :D

Wooooooooooooo formal tonight :D

FORMAL FORMAL FORMAL!!!!!!!

HOW EXCITING :D!

I feel so misplaced! I'm not celebrating care free and happy with my friends, and i'm not going crazy about HSC and school and whatever. WHERE DO I FIT IN? But wait! You don't want to fit in remember? aaaaaaaah.......... Why is everything so complicated? I guess i just wished i'd known.. it would make myself feel like less of an idiot. I just want to celebrate, go crazy, but WAIT I HAVE SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY. Crap, i've got to start writing in my journal again.

In a strange way, I feel like i've found a sense of security. I'm not sure what in, but i feel at ease. Spending time with a new friend at the mall... i dunno. I guess she has been through similiar stuff. Who knows..

I had the thought a few minutes ago, it would be really great to go and work full time for a year, go travelling for a year, then come back and go to uni as a mature aged student. Why not? Sure, i haven't planned anything out.. but it beats school........ I'm just over this whole thing. There is so much more to life, and i'm sick of living in the shell , i feel like i want burst some people's bubbles.. there is so much more.. beyond assessments, drama, whatever... Wouldn't mind just living by the ocean for a few months. Get up each morning, walking on the beach, having breakfast, writing all day. To me that seems like living... I guess i've always been told or taught about planning what I want to be, who I want to be, what I want to do. I don't want my career defining me. I don't want school defining me. I don't want my feelings defining me. I just want to be. And those things can come along and help, but ultimately, i want to be at ease with myself. What is the point in doing all these assesments or things for other people.. to validate myself? To learn? I want to go out and live. And i have been. I can feel again- i'm not numb. I'm enjoying things. I'm getting back on top of my depression. And you know what? I'm ok with yesterday. I took the step to talk, it just didn't come. I didn't take the chance. Maybe life just has to go on. And i've learnt to live and live what i feel. So, lesson learnt.

Everything just seems so pointless, i just want to get on with this living stuff. I don't want to be just coping, i want to live. And thats what i am trying to do.

I logged on to this computer to do my ancient history assessment. But it looks like i'm rambling instead. :D.

Well today i was going to take a chance. Finally talk. Talk about a million things. But I let the moment slip. I feel so stupid. But I'm really not one for competition.. just a few seconds.. i can't believe i let so many chances slip by. I just wanted to take that chance. But its gone. What do I do now? I can't even put into words the way i felt.. and now.. just.. the same but on the other end of the spectrum.

Stuff this. I can't be bothered to write about it. I've got a beer and a movie playing, who needs reality?

" Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;
Being vex'd, a sea nourish'd with lovers' tears:
What is it else? a madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet."

- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act 1, Scene 2

I seem to be losing myself again. I hate feeling like this. Just feeling so.. down. Saw Yenny and Bianca today- was good. But I can't help it, i just feel so lonely. Coffee anyone? It'll pass. For now i guess i'll go and watch a movie.

Just got home from work. I called a guy in his late 20's 'sir' and he was like, don't call me that again! Didn't realise it was offensive. Bought some makeup today :D For the formal ! I'm all set now.
Ok i must go and eat some food. I really hope it clears up tomorrow, i'd love to go to the beach.... Need some relaxation!!

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." -William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Shakespeare captured something beyond our physical state. There seems to be a realm beyond mere words, actions, minds. The realm of thoughts, connections, hearts and spirit. What is it that we can not explain but what we all feel? The love for brothers, sisters, friends, lovers- unspoken, undefined by felt. There's something in our brains that triggers the emotional response. Makes us feel. I want to strip myself back into this raw state. I want to get rid of this embedded superficiality within me, this quest after opinions, after objects, after marks, after whatever. I want to 'be'. And 'live'. Sometime's you've just got to sit back and watch planets spin around and follow a few shooting stars. You've got to play with fire. Maybe even sit in willow trees and let the night fade away.

Our society has constructed restraints on every thing we discover- we define time- "day, night", "hours, minutes, seconds", the way to succeed in life, social structures, rules for love, rules for loss, rules for fun. Rules for what we can and can't do. For what? To maintain order? Prevent chaos? DO humans need this structure, to stop us thinking? Or does it shape us to think? What happens if we let those rules slip? Would we turn into cannibals, and 'savages?' Or was that all we were destined to be? That our rules makes us progress, but in fact, the only way we can sastify our human nature is to 'live like a savage'.

Getting way too deep. I'm getting quite good at these rambles. All started when i thought about Hamlet. I love Shakespeare. :)

Maybe the point is, I just don't wear my heart on my sleeve?

Maybe that's it.

I tell people what they want to hear... I only open up to a few people.. why? Maybe scared of their opinons? I'm a bit over that now.

ANYWAY i should stop blogging. I'm getting into obsessed blog mode again.

There's too much self reflection going on!!

All i am going to say is that i love playing with fire. And somethings you can control, most things you can't. Somethings can't be defined or learnt or predetermined. They grow, fail, pass, fall through the wind. One thing may be another to someone else- - i believe emotions are defined by the person, filled with levels one can experience them with. And you can't compare them with people. And that's all i'm going to say on that.

In other news, OBAMA WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMERICA MADE A GOOD DECISION!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get my nails done and my eyebrows done.. o.0 OUCH. I was turning into john howard for a while..

Bumped into Mia, Hayley Jayne and Jaymen today, all quite randomly.. all in different places!

Ok well i must clean my room.. :D

Stuff it. I'll write another one anyway.

I had a dummy spit when i got home today. I don't know what really about. I'm just so over school. I don't care anymore. Year 12 is beginning for the new year 12's... they are having that meeting we had last year. They get a really great student in to talk about how easy the hsc was etc. It all seems so fake! Or i'm just jealous that it didn't work out for me.

Anyway i'm done with wasting my words on that. I'll just stick it out til the end of term and see what happens. Tomorrow i'm going to try and go to the beach and have a walk- i need some time out. I'm going to do the things i want too. The next few weeks i'm going to have the best time of my life- at the formal and at bermagui. Watch out world!!

Formal should be so much fun.. i can't wait to wear my dress :D. And bermagui is just going to be a long long long overdue holiday/celebration. I MADE IT THROUGH THE YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha, yay for me. Formal + bermagui makes me feel better :D

I wrote this during period one today, i was meant to be doing my ancient history assessment.

"Reborn.
There comes a time when things must change. But to be changed it must be destroyed. It is only natural to stop this, prevent it, but then again only natural to allow it to come to pass. Where do we draw the line? What is the human experience? To be blissfully happy? To enjoy the ride of life, up and down, across the mountains to really appreciate what we are all here for?

Everything seems so manageable on a lower dosage. I guess I can think, but not well enough. Now I can’t stop myself from thinking in a way- everything has so many possibilities and perspectives, options I suppose, and for an indecisive person this is even more crazy. However it has enabled me to think, process, do – which I really enjoy. Where is the balance though? The ability to feel all sensations, think through all possibilities is a wonder- amazement. But with that brings the added issue of control- how can I learn to monitor my thoughts? On a lower dose I can monitor it, because I guess I don’t have that many thoughts, but now, everything I think goes in a million different directions. I can’t stop thinking! Is this intelligence? Creativity?

I don’t seem to be satisfied with light hearted conversation anymore. I’m not satisfied with writing endless entries on my blog. I don’t know what it is, but I want something more. There are times where you just feel at ease, peaceful, ‘free’ in a sense, where everything is ok. Like on top of that rock at North Curl Curl. Or swimming in the ocean. Or lying on the veranda, with Denver curled up next to me watching the stars. Or on hiking/camping trips. Or playing your favourite song blasting out of speakers and dancing like a maniac. What is it? Am I missing something here? Is it staring me in the face and I’m too blind to see it? What am I trying to say? What am I trying to be? What am I experiencing?

Or am I simply asking too many questions, thinking too much? Maybe I just need to switch off and chill. I’ve discovered that I am in fact insecure, not modest, and there is a fine line that separates them both. I mean I am getting better, but I don’t understand why I care what people think. Yeah world, this is me. Get used to it… if I could only have that attitude on the inside.
Its like I’m on the verge of change. Or I’m nearly there to discovering something wonderful or insightful. Have you ever had that feeling? I feel like I’m nearly there, but I don’t know what there is or where ‘there’ is. Or I could just be extremely agitated and angsty against the world at the moment and none of this really makes sense at all. Too many thoughts!

I guess what I’m going to have to do is focus on each moment. Each day. And enjoy what I can, ride the waves, so to speak. Sometimes you get a good wave that takes you right into shore. Other times you get put through a washing machine. And sometimes one bad set comes in after another. Up and down. Emily, enjoy things for what they are, and enjoy each day as it comes. And maybe invest in a ‘pensive’, like Dumbledore’s… (RIP) "



***
And i could write a whole heap of stuff on top of that right now, but i'm sleepy.

Ok, thank you Tim for making me realise i am quite insecure about my blogs, thoughts and self. I NEED TO GROW UP. let go emily. Who cares what people think abou you or blogs or whatever? It doesn't matter. you are you. That's it.
I am me! that's it!
So now i'm in the process of developing the mechanism of not caring who reads my blog or what people think of me. Ha, not an easy process. But a process that needs to be done.

Ok, i just tried to change my appearance of my blog, and now its not working and i have no idea how to fix it. ...

So sorry for the weirdness.

Wow, today was hectic. I feel so drained o.0. Haha i maxed my library card out, had to put some books back.. so i'm on the 20 items limit. I didn't realise there was a limit.. probably a good thing.

Bought some trippy coloured looking candles that look like mushrooms. I think i won't burn them, they are so pretty! And also, they look a bit too trippy ... don't think i'd want to smell them...

Everyone is so young at school. I'm seriously considering finishing this term and then finishing my HSC through tafe next year, and going extra subjects that can be accredited to my uni degree. I feel like i'm on a completely different level.. i mean they are great and all.. but its all so.. shallow. There is so much more than school. It took me a while to realise, but now that i do, it almost makes me see through people. There is more than marks, gossip, lessons, teachers, ensembles, costumes, leave passes, vice-principals, uniforms and major works. There is something so much more beautiful than that. Outside that. I don't know what its called... life? The world is so much bigger than all that.

Who knows. Maybe i want to jump into a world more 'real' that school. I guess i don't feel like a school girl anymore. I put on the uniform but i don't really care anymore. Maybe i'm being stubborn, going into 'i can't cope with anything typical depressed persons thoughts' thing. But at least i am thinking again. And i can process. Apart from feeling sick. o.o .

What do I want to do with my life? I want to write, challenge, change people's opinions. I want to catch ferries across the harbour. Go camping near a beach. Swim at the beach, read all of shakespeare's works. I want to stay up with cups of tea and candles talking about anything and everything. I want to learn about the mind, what makes us work, think. I want to challenge people's perceptions, leave a body of works that people read in the future and are effected. I want to live a life thats connected to nature, myself, god and my friends. I want something geniune, something thats worth it. Stuff facebook and 'friends', I want real relationships... Thats the direction I want to be going in at the moment. I don['t want to comply to become a materialistic brat that ends up at 40 with a midlife crisis and a fucked up life.. thats not me. I want to live each moment, at it is. I'm taking each day as it comes. I want to change the world- it may not be a big change, but i want to leave something. Do what I can.AND GETTING A UAI OF 305 WON'T DO THAT FOR ME! Ok, i know i need a uai. Are you getting my point? There is so much more than school, than marks. And the irony is, the marks get you to the point where you can do what you want too.

I think thats enough thought spilling for this entry.

Does anyone else find this disturbing?

http://au.video.yahoo.com/watch/3820345

I hate feeling like this. Sick. Dizzy. Slight nausea. Mind frozen. And sleepy. Once my body is used to it, it'll be alot better. I just really don't like feeling like this.

Finished Brave New World. It was a really interesting read. Went to the library today and borrowed a whole heap of other books... The Catcher in the Rye, The Great Gatsby.. thought I'd get into some classics. ANd some poetry.

Yuck, i feel sick. I'm really missing everyone at school. It's so nice to see people when they come in for exams... but then of course they leave, to study, go home. I wish i was doing that. Instead I have to go to class. Pastoral Care. DOn't get me wrong, the year 11's are great. I just really miss our group... i feel somewhat isolated, kinda like the new kid. I'm probably just feeling like this because i'm feeling sick already. I dunno, i guess everyone gets to move on, get on with their life.. do uni, etc. And yet here i am, still in highschool. It's only one year.. i just don't want to loose everyone... I'm just in a crap mood. I'm sure it will be ok. I guess i'm scared of loosing friendships because of distance, or because people have moved on to uni life. I want to move on, believe me! It was really my dream... so i suppose i am mourning a dream? and yet, i've learnt so much about myself.

Reading brave new world got me thinking about happiness. Is it just an induced state of mind? is it something we long to create, to escape the harsh reality? Or can we be truly be happy, by being content, or by God? What has happened when happiness is defined by materialistic gain, physical gratification or how much money is in the bank? The economic world is collapsing, and maybe we should stop and look. Have we wasted our dreams on items bigger and better, and should have been investing dreams into each other? Into family, nature, love? Why do we continue to deny ourselves what we really need, want our soul and spirit needs, even desires to function, yet we supress it with physical attraction, mobile phones or cars. WHy don't we believe in love anymore? In spirituality? In connections to one an other, as human beings? Why can't we tell people what we really think of them? So many questions, so many answers. What is it about human nature that makes it so? Sure, we aren't perfect. How did I get depression? emotional factors? environment? genetics? divorce? Is it simply the absence of real happiness, and i'm denying my true existence or 'me' by taking medication? Making the world seem better? How can my mind turn against me, how do you loose control? Because its unhappy? What has happened to our society? We've lost our minds!

Big ramble. Here's the beginning of a poem i wrote yesterday. Wrote it after reading Brave new world.

Happiness is a state of mind
But read between the lines
A state of naivety
Where the world does not keep its form
But opens
To reveal the glorious chaos
Of our manufactured reality

What defines wrong from right?
The distinction of moral justice
Preconditioned not by choice
To rule
To roam
The realms of one's self.

Ah, school school. But the best thing is i've finishedddddddddddddddddddddddddd !! Well, my hsc this year. :D

I think its rather funny, i decide to write a blog, and when i do, i can't remember what i was going to write.... Hmm well i'm up to 40 mg of fluoxetine! WOOOOO! Not really... hoooopefully it won't turn out like last time.. and i'll have my cognitive whatever back. But today, tomorrow etc, will be filled with headaches dizziness etc. The usual i suppose... I've just been feeling so better lately! I still have my 'downs' but they aren't lasting as long.. which is a good thing.

My life is never boring or normal!!! (normality??? is there such a thing??? )

Today was a really beautiful day! :)

I've been using yahoo messenger. I like it i think because i can set my status to 'invisible'.
Iwas feeling so good.. and now i just feel.. blah.
I'd like to know what is going on inside my head.

It appears my blogs have turned into a few words here and there. Wow.

Today was really difficult. I got told that I was meant to be absent and was sent home. I have an estimate for my english HSC... but it feels so weird... It used to be my pride and joy... my best subject. My medication is going up again after my bio exam because apparently my cognitive skills haven't come back- hence my inability to beable to process essays. But i am so much better than I was this time last year. I'm aware of everything now and I know how to keep everything under control... well I know what to do and what not to do.

This time last year I was in denial about everything that ever hit me, running on anxiety and trying to do everything for everyone else but myself. I think now though I'm comfortable with accepting my little issues etc because everyone is not perfect. I was trying to be perfect!!

Don't mind me blog, just trying to make myself feel better.

Going back to school though has been really strange... I feel like there's this big age gap or maturity gap. They're all so excited about their HSC and have got it all planned out... oh, the naivety!! It reminds me of how we all were... "I can't believe we're in year 12!! " etc.

In some aspects I feel like I've failed. In others I haven't.. depends on what the marking guidlines are.... i guess i'm not the perfect-average-student-who-does-everything-and-loves-everyone kinda girl anymore. I'm Emily, taking each day as it comes... and focusing on developing myself and my mind, not 100%'s. And until this has all past, i'm going to have to accept that......

No idea where this was going. Anyway I am rather sleepy, althoughI did sleep four hours today already...goodnight xo.

So over this.

Getting used to it, but over it.

Familiar place, strange faces...

I miss everyone so much...

Today I stepped on an oyster, starfish and a bee. The bee must have thought- oh, I'm going to go for a swim, submerge myself in water, so when Emily walks past... I can sting her! It really hurt.

Right now I'd feel like I'd do anything to be leaving school. I'm freaking out. Everyones leaving. People say they don't want to leave. I want to !! Swap anyone?? ahhhhhhhh.

I think what I've learnt about life and myself over the last year is that nothing is perfect. I'd always wanted relationships, myself, school, life, family, everything to be perfect. Exactly to plan, with no faults. And i suppose that meant I was in denial of myself, because no one is perfect. And i guess I've learnt to accept my faults, mistakes, whatever you want to call them, and not condem others for theirs. I've learnt that there is always two sides to a story. Maybe more. Over the last few years I was always trying to change, depend on the ffuture....but forgot about living now. I'm so glad I've come to know it, because I can;t believe that I once blamed others for their implerfections or it was all their fault when in fact it was mine. Do you get what I mean? When you know your "faults", when you step back and go 'hey, i realised i can be "blah blah blah" ' you come to a new perspective of yourself. And you accept it. For me, thats really helped me get back on track.
I guess all this talk that "men are bastards" has gotten me thinking of it. But in all truth, I've known some worse women than men. I guess we are all trying to change people around us and expect what we want out of them (with friends, relatives) and forget to look at the real issue.
I really would just love to go on a holiday.. watch the stars..... sleep in.. stay up.. run across the beach..

So Emily welcome to reality- imperfection. And never forget that the most imperfect things can often be the most beautiful- hand made glass.

Ok, so I get home from a 50th. And I've discovered why I've been warned about punch... o.0 But it tastes so nice and fruity.. but .. its like.. got everything in it... but the kitchen sink. So I think Sgt. Pepper's is the best album to listen to at the moment... And I've logged on to msn for kicks. and the best conversation is who we'd kill to save someone. I think I'm over hypothetical questions. Wow, its tomorrow now. I should probably go to bed. Hmm, i might read some Shakespeare.. or not. 

Talk about an emotional weekend. Where do I even start? Because I have no idea where I've finished... on my emotional spectrum? I have no idea. o.0

I guess there is a time when you are brought to your knees by all the things about yourself you pretended didn't exist.. ever had the feeling? this year has been crap. Absolutely. I never thought i'd be in the place i am now- but hey, according to english its all in the journey of life. Whoopie. I've decided sanity is actually all in your head. If you are infact going through a bout of insanity, you don't realise it until your 'sane' again. I met a lady at a bus stop... she told me how chicken nuggets were too expensive and how she was going to make her own out of seaweed. She pronounced to the bus driver that she had bipolar... and went about her buisness. To her, she is fine. But it appears sanity can only be decided by others around you and how they perceive your behaviour. And what is sanity anyway? the most interesting people I've met have always been seen as strange.. people who chose to do the little things in life that everyone else is too scared to do.. singing loudly on a bus, dressing how they please- wearing a sparkly green hat and long black boots- these are all amazing people who dare to do what they want. They aren't contstrained by social opinions or what others would do. They are embracing life... it's so beautiful how they do it. And what am I doing? Clinging on to systems, achievements that really mean nothing anymore. I don't know what to call it, but i've lost so much of 'it'. I swear when i'm better, every single person will know about depression. it fucking sucks - most people think people who get it are weak- but it takes strenght to get out of bed each day, to take each new day, to live each new day. it's like everything has been stripped from me and now i'm building my life up again i suppose. 'maintaining a balance'. i've always worried about the future and the past, but now i'm learnign to live in the present. Enjoying the moment, now. but at times it's like i'm stuck in a box that i just can't get out of... Anyway i've been able to do the things i love- writing poetry and painting, walking denver.... and my world can only get better.

I'm so over this school thing. Maybe its just the institution, or it wouldn't suprise me if it was all in my head. I'm off to catch a bus- missed my other one, so today i'll get a whole ten minutes of english.

In the words of Savage Garden: I want to run through the jungle with wind in my hair and the sand in my feet...

FREEDOM!

Yes, that's right, i'm now officially... old. I welcomed my adult self with a glass of pink champagne at midnight on Sunday, and we looked through mountains of baby photos... yes, the naked baths shots have come back to haunt me. And now it is time for me to sleep, goodnight blog!

But that was when I ruled the world...

Lemons.

That's all I have to say. Big, fat, rotten, sour, juicy, putrid lemons.

I'll try and make lemonade...

Wow, july already.. time really does fly by...

Just thought i'd make an announcement and say that I am relatively back to normal now.... and that last week, I truly did loose my sanity. I've always joked about it, but I think I seriously lost it. Anyway, I'm back, so hello blog and the world wide web, and now I must finish an essay.

I'm fucking insane!! That's all i can come to logically. Hang on, what logic???? I'm a walking contradiction! Thats the logic!! I've always said, blah blah, i would never find myself in anyone else, but my whole life, i've always done that. I'm nice to people because i need their approval to form my identity. And now because I am so distant and not constantly getting everyones approval subconsciously, now, i'm having a fucking identity crisis! I'm always doing everything i do for other people, so they life me, so they approve, so they think i'm nice , all my life and its only now that i notice it. Does anyone know me? Know who I am? All i know at the moment is that I'm Emily, I'm a writer. And i've lost the plot. Oh no, I'm thinking, I swore in my blog.. what will people think? I don't care at the moment. I really don't care what you think- but thats the irony. Because deep down wired in my messed up brain, i do care. And I am so good at wearing my mask, but at the moment its getting really thin.At this point in time, i don't care. I have issues. I'm feeling angry, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, on edge and i'm going to say that. I'm finding it hard to cope with keeping my life together, balanced. I haven't slept properly for a week. And I don't want sympathy, so please, keep it to yourself. I'm really sick of the knowingful looks and the hapy faces. Sometimes, things are not ok. That's life. I know things will get better, but at the moment i'm just so fucking FRUSTRATED! Ha, some alliteration for you. It's like i'm caught between some weird space time continuim, trying to figure out who I am without everybody else. I'm stuck in limbo land, not severely depressed, but not back to 'normality' (what ever that may be)... SO FRUSTRATING. It just seems to be this spiral. Maybe a vicious Absurdist cycle.

And its ok to feel like this. Because at least I'm feeling something. And feelings change.

I've been trying to write something in here this afternoon, but switched to my notebook.

What to do??? I am sitting in a public library trying to fill in time. Usually i can waste hours! But now, i can't....... Saw Indiana Jones this morning. It was brilliant!! Absolutely brilliant! "I want knowledge.." Lol. *yawn*. Any suggestions? I could explore the mall more but then I'll spend more money... i've already bought a starwars lego game... I'll go look at the library cds.. yes thats an idea. SO TIRED! Ok. Goodbye.

Not yet...... Actually yes yet. Bye!

Since i don't seem to have the capacity to do anything else, i've played games for most of tonight. Bejeweled. Hold ;em poker, other random ones. I'm really sick of side effects. One constant blur and one constant headache. It'll be over soon. Ok, well i'm going to sleep now. Night.

In Compensation, she handed me the potato salad. And hoped that everything would be well. Refraining from the obvious, I filled those minutes with endless chit chat and remarks, and watched her eyes dart to and fro. And that was it. No confrontation. Just anxiety on both sides. And words to be released another day.

Mind you, its my favourite recipe. And it tastes delicious.

Wow. What a big weekend. Iceskating, Chai lattes with mugs, cookie and cream cake, Krisha in Woolworths (that was the funniest moment :P), absolute hysterics, Snakes on a Plane and music.

Today.. I found the Book Exchange place... and I bought two records ( I could have bought more!)- Simon and Garfunkel and Chicago the musical soundtrack- australian theatre company version. There were so many other great records, I'm going back!! I've set up our record player.. but I need to buy a phono imput thing... I also bought a book- the Jane Austen bookclub. :D. I also went and did exercise- I walked and ran- alot!! And now I must tidy my room.

And I am led to believe this blog is incredibly one sided. In perspective, moods... And if you're thinking why it's one sided, look up the definition of a blog. XD

Does the cloud escape? Who knows. It's just at times... I wonder why I hang on to such a thin, metallic line that ensentially highlights the cloud, the issue. Whatever you want to call it. I'm going to have to try another medication... more side effects.. Anyway this isn't the time or place for this. For the general public, the author is doing ok, just slightly misplaced. For everyone else who really wants to know- you're better off not asking. Ok, that seemed slightly dramatic. I get a bit carried away. I'm getting there. :)

It was week b. Man, I've got some serious work to do on Biology. I'm dreading English marks... Ah well. At least I passed bio..

I can see my bedroom floor and all of my rug now. I'm soo tired.. did 1 hour of exercise- exercise bike riding and pushups etc. I'm falling asleep. goodnight!

Oh Gosh. In the last 24 hours I have consumed soo much food. Good food, but i can feel it.. i'm going to go do some amazing exercise tomorrow before i die of a heart attack. Ok, that's being a bit over dramatic. Betty cooked an AMAZING vanilla souffle, and creme caramel, i've had belgian chocolate, i made a self saucing chocolate pudding...

Sunday Nights = tv. 6:30- GLADIATORS!! Best show ever!! 7:30- final of so you think you can dance (stopped now!). Then.. GREYS @ 8:30. Except today i got a bit carried away.. i ate one whole microwavable popcorn bag to myself watching gladiators, then mum brought home McDonalds. I had a Big Mac. But now I feel sick!! Ate it too quickly.

No point really to this blog- only that food is glorious, but i need to balance it out with exercise :D. Keep reminding me to exercise!! School on Tuesday.. should be interesting.. Does anyone know if its week a or b?? ANyway... i'm going to go and try and not think about my stomach..

IT'S OVER! MY EXAMS ARE OVER. Well not that I had many, BUT THEY ARE OVER! The last one, my speech today is OVER! I went overtime and got cut off, but i went off laughing because i was talking so fast towards the end..!!



TOMORROW i'm baking a chocolate cake. If we have enough butter. And cleaning up my room. :D.

whoops.. just accidently deleted this post.

The words got jumbled.. and it made me look crazier than i actually am!

Oh, how I marvel at the power of the unexpected. The power of words you don't want to hear, the words seething with irony- and the wonderful restraint I have placed on my hands from picking up the phone and screaming at my oh-so-clever-certain-relative.

The power of a letter... words that I can re read. My Mum took the letter off me. Said I shouldn't take the arrow. I've come really far, had heaps of positives this week... don't let this one thing throw me back.

Words, words, words! How you can build the highest mountains, explain the widest of all oceans, transport me into a bed of flowers blossoming in spring... and tear me down in an instant. I can tell now that I am definitely a writer- I over dramatise and let the words I love to write come back around and bite me.

But you know what? I am better than this. The decisions I have made have been my own choice. And if your not going to support MY choice and MY wellbeing, then I don't need or want to hear it. They don't know me- my head or what's been going on. I don't need to explain myself to 50 million people. And I don't have to freaking get advice from all these people who never put anything into my life in the first place, and then when something happens, BOOM they have a billion qualifications and know exactly what to do? HELLO? To the three people I am thinking of at the moment: YOU DIDN'T GO TO UNI FOR 7 YEARS! TWO OF YOU DIDN'T EVEN GO! YOU DIDN'T STUDY MEDICAL SCIENCE OR PSYCHOLOGY, SO GET OFF MY BACK! This is me and my choices. MY CHOICES. That's right MY CHOICES. You may have stuffed up your life, but I AM NOT GOING TO 'STUFF' UP MINE! By doing what I am doing is the best for me and my wellbeing. And if any of you three people even bothered to REALLY be apart of my life you would understand that!

*breathe*. My Mum and Steve, Heather, Ashleigh, Marlene, Kirril, Belinda, Alex, Mr. Martin, Ms Maggs- I have a (excuse the expression) Bloody Brilliant support network. I don't need ad-on's who are trying to change my mind.

Ok, I feel a lot better. Had to get it out of my system. :)

Write tensecrets (or things people don't know) about yourself.

1. Sometimes I'm too scared to go to bed before ten o'clock in case I don't get to sleep.

2. My two favourite comfort foods are a m'n'm McFlurry and two pieces of toast- one with peanut butter, the other with nutella.

3. Most days I spend more time on chosing which earings to wear than doing my hair.

4. I used to bag out bikinis with a passion, and I bought two on sale on Sunday, wore one of them for the first time at the beach that afternoon, and it was the best feeling in the world.

5. When I'm with Ashleigh and Heather, I feel the most comfortable being myself- together they have the knowledge (and probably the power) to explain me and guess my every move.

6. When I turn 18, I'm more excited about being able to go to live music gigs rather than legally drinking.

7. Even though I can't stand POP music, my music listening is 'pop' related- I listen to albums to death, then move on and listen to something else. (Although there are quite a few exceptions to this rule!). I'm always on the hunt for new music.

8. I waste most of my money on food, chai lattes, notebooks, pens and bargains that I won't really need.

9. I'm constantly comparing music profiles on lastfm, watching what I listen to on lastfm and expanding my music taste by watching other people's profiles.

10. I have an obsession with patterns and polka dots- as seen by my wallet, glasses case, pencil case, notebooks, boardshorts, handbags, swimmers etc. I didn't realise this until someone pointed it out to me :P.

Now copy and paste this in your blog and fill it out!

Thirsty Merc were AMAZING live!!
More on this later!!

Just think strawberry fields and a sprinkle of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, and thats how I am feeling. The added bonus of the flu is just wonderful. Oh, the over dramatic nature of me!

All you have to do is hold me...
If you trust me, love me, let me... Maybe...

Some random lyrics from "maybe" by Kelly Clarkson.

I feel a bit surreal at the moment.. weird feeling. But it all starts tomorrow.. so let's hope/pray that all goes well. Today is the last day!

Next week should be very interesting... o.0.. 5 assessments..... on top of other things.... Oh well. It'll be ok.

Now I will ramble in my journal. Ciao.

New Editions to Emily's CD collection:

• Sufjan Steven's 'Illinois'
• Sufjan Steven's 'The Avalanche'
• 'Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga' by Spoon
• 'The White Album' by The Beatles
• 'Black Holes and Revelations' by Muse
• 'Absolution' by Muse
• 'In Rainbows' by Radiohead
• 'Neon Bible' by Arcade Fire
• 'Thirsty Merc' by (quite obviously) Thirsty Merc

Woooo... I should add that, I only bought two of these albums, the rest were bought by my Mum/various members of my family, but that covers all the CD's that I've wanted to get in the last few months. Yay! Just need to work on building the Beatle's collection up.

Soooo much music! It's brilliant.. I just don't know what to listen to now :P.

I'm going to go to sleeeep now I am sooo tired. Don't know why i am even bothering to write up anything.... Felt like publishing a post I suppose. I don't feel so good. I think sleep will fix it :D! Sweet dreams.

Jerseys are fantastic! And I finished English.. but its like one of the worst assignments i've ever done I swear.... ah well. At least I handed it in.. thats the main thing.

I made it through this week! Amazing! :D! So glad that I did. I bought a new moisturiser yesterday- it was recommended by both Elliot and Ariane- its really great, oil free, light and it has SPF protection! Yay! I'm going to my Dad's house this arvo... should be fun....

Anyway I need to do some more important stuff :P! Cya....

We have our Year 12 jerseys now..!!

They're great!

Oh, and Happy Valentines Day! (Or as I've heard, Happy Single Awareness Day...)

From thinking about today, I think the greatest lesson I will have to learn is letting myself love another person. Just letting go and (without sounding oh so cheesy) giving your whole self, not holding back incase I want to retreat.. I'm really guarded with my heart (even with friendships) and it seems I never give all of me... to anyone. I'm not trying to wear my heart on my sleeve by any means.. I would just like to work on expressing me, being me without a trillion barriers blocking everything that goes in or out. Also, to be able to say- I am not ok with that, or even saying no... Or saying- get real... I'm ready to admit that even though in the past I've always said "i'm not ready" or "thats silly" or "thats a waste of time" about love or relationships.. I am ready to say that even though I have a whole heap of emotional "things" in my life and I've always tried to run away or protect myself, I have always wanted to let go and just love. But all the "things" get in the way, and I'm scared that the "things" will distort or prohibit me from enjoying the relationship.. I'm going to learn to let go.. and slowly but surely release myself from all the things that have tangled me up...... (haha, almost sounds like wishful thinking!)

Anyway, I had a really great day today. My mood was somewhat normal- and happy! and we got our jerseys... :D.. let's hope it continues....as i really need to work on my english!!!!!!

Tonight, randomly, i wrote a poem! I haven't written poetry in so long!
This was the last stanza..

"But I turn another cheek
fall into the embrace
of an unbroken slumber
suspended from time
living my dreams
from the inside."

The whole poem is about getting up in the morning and in the end 'turning the other cheek' and going back to sleep :P. When its finished I'll put it up here!!

I love this song!

It's by Thirsty Merc, called "Undivided Love".

I suggest you all read "A Note of Madness" by Tabitha Suzuma. It is BRILLIANT! Its about Bipolar Disorder and it is amazing. The way she has done it- words fail me!! (I'm using it for Ext 2 English.. ;D)

I'm sitting here thinking whether I should keep typing or not.... I probably should press "publish post" now... But a subject that is on my mind at the moment is internalisation. You see, apparently, I internalise everything. Which, I agree with. This all started out of politeness, respect, but I'm afraid its warped into this weird thing where I can't even express how I am feeling.. I won't let myself experience or express an emotion that I don't think is appropriate. So I don't. I wait until I am alone, and express it to my pillow, or my journal or to an unsuspecting infamous individual on the other side of a phone line who probably thinks i've slightly lost the plot. Now, with my current state of mind, internalisation is apparently not a good thing to have. Which I agree with. But i find that it is ironic, because If I express how I feel, then I'll probably get a mouthful back, but when I internalise I get a mouthful back. The reality is that I just don't like having my streams of thoughts projected into words, into life (so to speak) when I am sure they will cause numerous consequences. Does that mean I like to control every situation? Not really. Maybe I don't want to burden or upset people with my point of view? Maybe. The thing is though, when I do decide to "spill" a few times it has quite literally been shoved back into my face and twisted around. Anyway, I'm just trying to say, I should talk to people more (aka my Mum and others) and tell them exactly how I am feeling or how I feel about something. And stand up and be counted with my opinion. Maybe if I am more expressive, I can be in touch with my emotions more.. etc. If only I could. I'm sure I will be able too.. And school! School! Has actually been good. A few times I've just wanted to go home and not be around so many people, but it has been mostly great. Everybody has things happening in their life at the moment, good and bad, and I'm wishing that we could all join together and lift everyone up!! I find it really difficult though, because during my holidays I had some pretty down times, and I would love to say- yes, at the moment I am fighting Depression and I'm so happy that I made it to school today!!, but quite obviously according to social ettique that would be an inappropriate thing to say. I think i'll slowly break the ice. I'm getting frustrated with my family a bit atm.. just because i feel like i shouldn't be feeling like this (well that is the impression I am getting from a certain individual) and that the way i have been feeling is top secret or something. Well, its not.

I don't really want to publish this to the whole world... but as I said in my last blog I want people to be aware of Depression in our society. 1 in 5 australians. And just to let you know I am going be "assessed" this week- so I am taking the steps to get this thing under control. Don't be afraid of it, speak out. If one person does, then another one will... and soon we can get rid of this taboo.

Sooo yeah. School tomorrow. Essay due tomorrow. HSC really begins tomorrow. Etc.

My goal this year is to be a person at the end of this year, not a number. I need to keep my mental health my priority... and maybe I won't do as well as I could do but at this point in time I really need to focus on getting better and managing everything :). Which I will do. :D. I'm not sure whether I have gotten better or worse since last term, but I do know that I have had a great opportunity to relax... and get some peace of mind.And that is always important. Although I get so frustrated about the stigma of mental health. Yeah, I don't really like talking about my 'personal well being' (to say it politely) with everybody and everyone, but there is such a lack of understanding in our society about it. So i suppose if i slightly mention it on this blog here and there (not that many people read this) and if one person is more aware of mental health, than I'll be happy. It's so incredibly frustrating for me because when a person is physically sick it is quite obvious but when a person is mentally sick- which could have far worse consequences- it is not obvious and there is hardly any awareness or understanding. And at the moment I am quite annoyed with this 'self help' book that I found. I picked it up (it was a Christian one) but i was infuriated about the way they went about it. Yes, I know i have been suffering these symptoms.. you don't have to talk to me like I'm stupid.. it just made me feel even more guilty that I wasn't a 'good Christian girl'. Yes, i know. Christians aren't meant to be perfect- everybody has their problems. Just the wording of the book got me started because it was like it was my fault i had been feeling 'those symptoms'. I might have let a few things go and maybe if I was more organised things may not have turned out this way, but to open a book like it did is just ridiculous. The jargon as well... o.0. My relationship with God doesn't involve 'jargon'- it involves God and I. He has pulled me out of depression before, and i know He can do it again. But I just don't need those type of books making me feel like i've done something wrong to deserve this when I know I haven't... isn't believing you have a sickness from sin an Old Testament principle? An understanding doesn't throw psychological theories about. That's what this book did.. started off with the girl who had everything but lost a boyfriend and became depressed.Come on! If you are going to write a book on depression, make it appeal and relate to the 'depressed person' so they will actually read it and change. Not throw the book back on the shelf and never pick it up again.

Sorry bit of a ramble there. But I feel better now. :D!

Hi Blog! Sorry that I have neglected you for a long time. That last term was my first term of my HSC (Oh the juxtapositioning and irony of that!?!) and turned out to be a very, very interesting term. In fact the last 3 months have been really interesting. I've just got to keep walking, and I know I will make it through. I kinda have to anyway, since this is my last year at school, dare I think about it. I'm really excited about the possibilities beyond school but I am also going to miss the school structure!! I won't jump the gun or speak to soon though, as I have a whole year to say my goodbyes. Less than that actually, but I won't go into specifics.

My holidays have been great! I don't feel like rambling on about it here because I will be bound to miss something out, so come and talk to me if you would like me to ellaborate on what I've done. To give you the short version I've been to my grandparents house, The Basin and in the Southern Tablelandsish area and I've had all sorts of adventures! So if you have nothing else to do, feel free to call me up and we can chat, (not just about my holiday :P) OR CALL ME UP and say: "Emily, let's to coffee" and I'll squeal and say: "Sure thing!!". (And if you said "Emily, let's do Max Brenner" and you were an attractive male, I think I'd squeal even more.. or faint :P).

If there is a reader reading this, I hope you are having a fantastic holiday!!! :D!

If the thunder cloud
Passes rain
So let it rain
Rain down on me...

Mmm, so let it be.
Mmm, so let it be.

Sleep
Sleep tonight...
And may your dreams be realised


Love this song. MLK by U2. :D!