New blog, check out my profile :D

I don't like my other blog.. so I am back here again :P. So HI BLOG!

I wrote this sitting at North Head today... in draft form, but I thought I'd put it here... Will publish a more refined form when I've fiddled around with it.

"Vertigo:
no time or place
peace in unknown depths
higher than the seagull flies
one with the horizon
at dizzying heights
capture eternity
through manufactured lenses
clouds stirring
misty surface
simmering
wildflowers
taking the plunge
knitting sandstone cliffs
together through
roots embedded in time
as the sea whispers below
calling
souls answer
some fly, or fall
down past city sight lines
into an abyss of sea. "

And that's it. Byebye blog.

Yay for my cooking skills and whipped cream! A sponge cake, sausage rolls and spaghetti bol all in 24 hours! And yay for good company! :D

Well, I guess I don't know anymore. About what? About... how I want to live life. But I guess I have the holidays to work it out.I don't even know what the 'it' is, but in the last few hours I've made a cream sponge cake with strawberries, cleaned up the kitchen, did all my washing and took the garbage out. This is not normal Emily behaviour. :P

Blehh. And I am going slightly crazy, i think I know why I liked my outgoing behaviour, because it was a release. And it feels good, even if for only for a few hours... It's harder for me to take control myself and do other things. Which I am doing!! Whichis good. But I guess the right way to deal with things isn't always the easiest?

Wooo new layout... I think it works.

ahhhh no idea why 'undefined undefined' shows up under each post o.0

She's no saint
But she'll bring you to your knees
Try her boy, but she'll still do what she please
Do you believe in science? She's perfect chemistry
She wanted my love but I gave her the rest of me..

If London's calling don't you dare pick up the phone
Only you entwined
Could make this orphan feel at home
Lips that need no introduction, but now waiting for your call
If a picture's worth a thousand words
Then your touch is worth them all
Worth them all...

- Dance, Dance Christa Paffgen, Anberlin

I'm sitting in the backseat of our car. The rain is bucketing down on the m4, we are returning home from dropping rory home. Bon iver is playing loudly in the stereo, all is silent except him and the rain. It's beautiful.... Peaceful. And to know that somehow everything is ok... It may have something to do with the boots i am wearing, but i feel like i've restored the confidence or trust in myself. Well that its on the repair anyway... It's nice to have this feeling without any external influencing factors.... Then again, it may be the boots. Or the fact that i actually put effort into how i looked today... Who knows. I know that is at this very moment, i feel content. Of course this is subject to change at any given moment, but i'll relish it while i have the chance ;)

The question is what do i want. What do i need... I think i've tried every type of escapism this week. I want to be held in someone's arms, i want to feel loved, i want to stop trying to run away from reality and start enjoying it. I want to live life. I'm sick of the talk of alcohol and sex, sure they are fantastic but shouldn't they compliment other elements in life and in relationships, not just be a sensation? I dont know. its incredibly frustrating because its so easy for me to succumb to alcohol and i am just over this whole thing.

I,ve always been a bit of everything, never one group or personality. i am so tired. Emotionally, physically etc. But i can't seem to be getting any sleep... I want to go to a beach, walk along at midnight, watch the stars... Dream.

So i am sitting here in bed trying to get up. I smell like garlic because the meat i ate last night was seasoned too heavily. I'm getting a lift at 8... Bleh.

It's been fantastic to catch up with people the last few days. on a completely unrelated note, i just realised how tired i was/am. I could go back to sleep.... Then again being a walking zombie around the city is very appealing... Don't get me started on financial maths... And that's all i really needed to say. Apart from my desire to fall in love with someone other than one 500 years old. I mean will is great, but after a while the beard does get annoying.....

Ahhh.. Shakespeare. How i adore thee!

Life's been ok. I am going to change my relationship status to in a relationship with shakespeare. Mmm 500 year old dead guys and beards really do it for me. haha. I am yet to meet my shakespeare!! His sonnets = <3 .

Should be studying for a maths test but i am too nervous and really good at procrastinating..... I should take some nurofen and go to bed.....

I'm going to start a new blog! I feel like i've moved on from the person represented here, like i've moved on to a new stage.... So keep posted.

Sweet dreams.

Well hello blog! I am sitting in the tafe library after being slightly crazy.. so now I sit here and type meaninglessly to pass time and to look like I am doing some work. Bleh. Wasn't feeling so good but now feeling ok! I should take iron tablets. Poetry is going well... and thats about it really. Nothing new or exciting, had a bit of an existential crisis today but hey, who doesn't? Need to catch up on everyone else's blogs, have lost lots of time to poetry obsession, but its good. Weeee. Poetry = love.

So i am sitting here in the library, waiting for modern history.. and realising that I am somewhat obsessed with poetry.. as words keep flowing through my head! Lol.

Well to the anonymous reader, Hi!, and I replied to your comment :D

It's so nice to be sitting here typing at a computer and keyboard, rather than my mobile phone. Sooo update: I ENTERED A POETRY COMP TODAY! SO EXCITING!!! It's my first proper one, kind of symbolic i suppose.... I entered four poems, will find out on the 31st August whether they won/got commended/will be published. I would love feedback from the judges!! And to be published would be great- then I can say I am a published poet. Weeee. I've got another poem to enter in another comp at the end of the week. HOW EXCITING :D:D I am excited that I've got the ball up and rolling, and its inspiring me to write more as well. So excited that I actually got my act together and sent them off :D:D

Listening to the Klaxons at the moment. They are soo good to listen too... And i saw them live at Nevereverland :D:D:D!

Ok. So i thought, what do i want out of love? And i found it. I read song of songs. And thats exactly it. I've learnt my lesson and as it says :
'daughters of jerusalem i charge you: do not arouse or awaken love
Until it so desires.'

There is so much imagery and it is so beautiful- i used to laugh at it - but the connection between this man and woman is beautiful. It encompasses a connection to nature, spirituality, emotions, soul, body, mind, and hunger for this pure love. And when you read it, its not dirty. Its beautiful. I may be a hopeless romantic and even if its a naive notion, i must stick to this. I feel off centre after 'making out' with no connection, and i know now i what i need. I can't seperate myself from emotions, but i need to embrace that and when the time is right with the right person, this ''love'' will come about. I hope. It may be a hopeless idea, it may not be true, but if this book has survived 2000 years there has got to be some chance that it can happen. So i'll stay away from what the city is screaming, what a pint or two whispers... I'll keep my head in the clouds for a while, read song of songs, sonnets, etc, and hopefully i'll realise when 'love' hits.

Of course this will be hard because i do enjoy the notion of kissing. I'll be honest. But ultimately i'm going to put my spirit in front of my physical state, and hopefully when spirits collide, then kissing will follow. Haha i sound like such a dork- but i think thats how i am wired. It would be easier if i weren't wired like this... But hey, at least i know now.

Wow, i just poured my heart into my blog. How odd.

I feel like I've failed about what I wrote about in my last blog. New resolutions etc.I don't know whether I can be bothered to write anymore about it here. But I obviously find certain people attractive when other people are buying and supplying drinks. Get a grip on yourself Emily.

So now i can sit on my bed and update my blog. Amazing. Ok, i would like to say that now the last 72 hours or three days have been mind bloggling. Blowing even! Having three generations of friends in the same place... so much fun! And i am truly blessed (sounds so cliche) to have you two (nin and tim!!- it rhymes!) as friends. You guys are awesome.
But i guess i am just amazed how much i have opened up in the last few days. Feels like i am out of some sort of quagmire... Hmm anyway i must sleep! Xox

Weee these are photos from my phone!

Wow. I've just configured how to post to my blog from my phone. Amazing. Here are some pictures!

Ok, quite a few personal revelations have happened in the last 24 hours. So I thought I'd elaborate about them here. First of all: I don't nearly have a boyfriend now. I realised I was trying to convince myself to like him, and it was so physically orientated and I think it was more for the attention. There is no 'spark'- it was more convenience. And I now find myself in the position where I've realised this, talked to him about it (that's right, I was honest and communicative!!)and its all good now. I didn't beat around the bush. I guess there is some people you connect with on different levels, and although I connect with him, its not as high as other people. In some ways i wish it was.

Another revelation: I need to write more.. Get emersed. I went to my first poetry forum today for the Sydney's Writers festival, and it was amazing meeting poets and being encouraged/tips on being published. My identity really resides in this and I need to stop living in a false lala land. I need to return to the things that really get me going and keep me passionate- rather than just skirting through life .... drinking gin and tonics getting drunk at the computer. I want to be 'drunk' on sonnets, words, life, nature, not just 'drunk' from drinking on nothing. So far I've got 24 typed poems! I'd love for constructive criticism, advice, anything so I am going to send them to a heap of stuff at the end of this week. Weeeee.

Third revelation: Try and trust in fate. But not blindly. Encourage fate, but let the universe work its magic... and try to follow it.

And now I must go and read some poetry, write a modern history essay, and write some poetry.. :D

Hehe ok, remind me not to be at home alone and have gin and tonics. I am sitting here, deliriously happy, my really good friend or boyfriend or whatever you want to call him is coming over in a few hours........ LOL! I am too happy/tipsy/drunk too be writing this... but i don't think i've made a typo yet, so thats goood. Even though its not my gin.. stop drinking mum's gin. Ok. I can't stop giggling. I feel very happy :D. Eveything is going quite well... and its good to be able to let my self go once and a while. I just can't believe he's coming over after work.!!! Lol. WII BOXING! Or something physical. LOL! Ok i shpould stop typing, probably embarassing myself/will regret this later. Anyway life is good, slighly too good at the present moment, due to the influence of alcohol. but yeah... my parents are coming home in a few hours too! LOL. Ok Emily. Sign out of blog. you are making things worse.

*

Ok so I am sitting in the Tafe library. And have no idea what to do with myself. Because I thought I'd made a decision but now............ Bleh. Who cares really. I should stop rambling here and do something more productive.

I guess the question is, what am I trying to avoid? Why have I spent so much time in the city, out and about, and not at home? Because I am trying to avoid what's going on with my sister. Is that it? I want to run and hide away from the reality that life has screwed me and her up? I have no idea. I just wish I could do something for her. Hmm I dont know... It just annoys me that everything has to be so screwed up. I mean, I've feeling the best I have since I can remember... but to see the flip side of it... We all go through our own stuff. And at the moment she hates me, literally. But I love her. I don't understand it. Anyway more on this later. I need to cook dinner.

Ok, I think i've got things sorted now :)

I will quote myself. http://emozlie.blogspot.com/2009/03/step-up.html


"You know what? After all the chaos that has gone on this week, it made me do something. Step up. I had a choice to either let it all goand turn into a blubbering mess on a downward spiral with circumstances, or step up and do something. And i've stepped up. I don't know how i did it, but it just clicked. I stepped up to being me, taking responsibilty for things out of my control. And ever since monday night i've felt different. In a good way.... And i haven't felt this in control for a long time. Everything seems to click in, and i feel like i am now being, or doing who i am. If that makes sense. I've had so many realisations about love, God, friends, myself etc, i don't think i can go into it all in one post. And i feel like i'm here now. And I'm ready to be Emily. I'm seeing things in completely different ways and it's like my mind and heart and whatever have been transformed or released from the haze i've been moping arouind in. I can't define what it is, but its like i've made a choice- and its not because i feel like i should, or people say i should or not or whatever, butstepping up and connecting with God in a level i've never done before- its shifted me. I still don't know how to explain it. Praying with my Dad started it off... and its like the tangled up love thing that was going on has vanished. I don't think its been replaced, but changed. I wish i could define the sensation- put at peace? The attention and crap i was craving from peoplehas gone and i feel like my own person. Anyway its amazing, God is amazing, life is one hell of a ride but who knows where i'll end up next. And i'm happy to stand on my two feet again."


Get with it Emily. REMEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE A CHOICE!!! STEP UP AND BE YOU!

I must say, i do love Janine :D! SOOO great to catch up with you today :) xox

Start ramble...
Ok, where do I start? First up. I think I like attention. And I keep meeting people who just got girlfriends. :(. And I think i should climb back into my shell for a while o.0.. and stop getting drunk... o.0 Mind you i am completely sober at the moment!! Not that it should matter or anything. I guess the thing is... BE HAPPY BEING WHO YOU ARE AND SINGLE. I seem to be trying to latch on the concept of being with someone, not for the person but just for the sake of whatever. And beyond that... I need to focus on my hsssssssc. Not drinks and boys. This sounds a lot worse than i am making it out to be. I am such a dramaqueeeen. I guess its just me being indecisive. Ah stuff this, i don't need to ramble my soul to a blog...

Back to blogging... being back at Tafe is ok, need to get into study mode though. :D Although I seem to find myself caught between two extremes and i need to pull both into moderation. Extreme one: drinking etc... Extreme two: church. Sounds weird. But i seem to get caught in the mindset.. need to get them to coexist. Which I have been doing, so its just about getting balance, right? Anyway I am having fun :D

I'm really excited too because I have printed out and typed out most of my poetry, and I'm showing it to a work collegue tomorrow.... Kinda scared though because its that poetry is.. me. Anyway its about 20 pages so I'm excited- it means i can enter it in a competition!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D! Still. It's my soul. Heart. Whatever you want to call it. All on paper. o.0

Catching up with Janine on friday,.. wooooo. Talking of catch ups, TIM! Haven't seen you in ages!! How have you been??

Ok I need to eat.. been home for an hour, feeling very hungry, and haven't done anything about it.

Ok , obviously I was in a weird mood when I post that last entry.... I think I was thinking in extremes, angsty, hating the world etc. You know what I mean.

Last night was sooo much fun! First time at mona= awesome. Tried my first tequila shot (no sombreo though!) and the whole lemon and lime thing... Had a ball dancing and hanging out! Bumped into some old Manly-ites from the year above me (Chris Dendle!) and a someone from Cromer (Yugi?). Such a gooood night!

Sooo tired now though o.0

Truth 101: I am human.
How do we define 'human'?
A collection of us = humanity.
Individual= human.
Is being human admitting you are able to make mistakes?
Is an awareness of the human state acknowledging our weakness?
Politicians talk about changing the world.
Always talking about how we can make a difference.
But doesn't the notion of we eliminate individual responsibility?

On facebook I have 228 friends.
How many of them do I see regularly?
I'd say around 8 of them.
So what is the point in calling 220 of those people friends?
Sounds harsh, but I may 'write on someones wall' .
Upload a photo of me being an idiot.
But do I really know any of these people?
Should I believe the online persona that I, and others, create of themselves?
Because life isn't perfect.
And it isn't all happy snaps.
And yet I continue to believe it, and be sucked in by the facebook world.

Don't get me wrong.
It's amazing to stay in contact.
But it's all meaningless.
And appearances.

Do people really want to know how each other are?
Or just want people to see they have an online social life?
That they get comments?
And that they have thousands of friends.

I think I need to take a step back from the online world.
This blog included.
And maintain real relationships- not just comments and pokes.
I guess I miss people, interactions, laughter.
Not 'lols'.

So my challenge to myself today is:
To take charge of what I am doing.

Ok, I've realised I need to slow down. Take a few breaths. I have a tendency to dig my head in the sand, sing and sip loudly. There's nothing wrong with having a break from reality, by all means, we all deserve a break, but I need to stop this train of me running away. Which I am doing :). Woo for cognitive behaviour therapy. I'm going to explore and enjoy being myself, without adhering to any tendencies shared by others.... I guess towards the end of last term I started clinging on to my twelve year old self some what. I'm older and wiser than that. And I'll just keep writing here until I reach some conclusion.... But what is the conclusion I want to make? What is it that I want to realise? What am I trying to get at? Good questions. Maybe I'm just not used to enjoying the scenery in life.... You know, taking snapshots of the now.....

Its quite funny when I think about the internet. Anyone can create a persona.... and say what they want. I was thinking about it, and was like- hmmm, am i trying to live up to my blog?
Caught up with school friends today so that was great! Saw Monsters Vs Aliens- so much fun... the last two days have been great... yesterday was Mt Victoria..... :D We headed up there and had a blast!! Started off with champagne.... and ended the night with a pint of guiness. Woot. And I don't really want to fill in the gaps with the rest of our liquid intake. Ah, but it was so much fun- just hanging out at the mountains in this random place with an AWESOME view- couldn't ask for anything more... :)

ten hours of work = money. but soooooooo tired! ok i must go and eat.......
***********
Stuff eating!

So excited, going to mt victoria on friday and hopefully the beach tomorrow... or movie tomorrow. Something tomorrow!

I should stop posting my life on a blog. oh well :P

Ok I admit, my last nights blog was a tad weird.

And hello to a follower! I didn't realise I had two followers! I am amazed you like to read this :P.
Ok i've got to get ready for work....

*dies in a hole somewhere*. = easiest answer to problems.
BUT IN REALITY, not the post practical solution, am I right? Yes.

List of problems/rant/random thoughts:

• I just don't get it. If the people I wanted to ask me out asked me out, it would be good. BUT i'm getting stalked by someone at my bus stop- "INSERT NAME HERE THAT STARTS WITH A G"! MOVE BACK TO NORTH CURL CURL WHERE YOU BELONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok its not as serious as that, but seriously... get a life. Get laid. Do something.
  
• Starting to freak out a bit about hsc... but using energy productively to do my PIP
• Why did she do it again? Attention. Right.
• Caught up with old church friends today... was good :D . Carmens getting married...
  
• My dad told me to have sex before I got married the other day, because its stupid to get married to have sex young. Bad for marriage apparently. I agree. Haven't tried the practical side of it, but hey, i've got time. (note the somewhat sarcastic somewhat serious tone that can not be differentiated from each other...)
• I've been looking at uni courses. they all look great- but can't figure out how to use some of their websites.
• I don't understand why I waste all my time on here. Or on facebook.
• I really want to go to the beach right now. I would do anything to be on a beach with no one on it, watching the stars and listening to the waves right now. Wish I had a car. And my P's.
  
• Right now I feel like having a few glasses of whatever, but i won't, because i have work tomorrow at 8:30 and drinking to drown sorrows isn't encouraged!!! Especially if you're not on george street and by yourself!!!
• Life has actually been really great, just have a tendency to blog in extremes here. This blog is my venting arena.
  
• Got 1,184 words of my pip done. Woot. Aim is to have a draft by the end of the holidays. approx. 4,000 words to go. Woooop.
• Will stop writing now. Needs sleep.

After thought dot points:

• GET BACK TO CHURCH EMILY , or at least start praying again. Remember getting up in the morning? How great you felt? Empowered?Instead of walking around in a haze off into the day, grab the day and DO SOMETHING WITH IT. stop saying and DO! DO! Be, exist, live. Don't just cruise. LIVE, love, enjoy. Stop acting like a two yearold.
  
• I now feel like criticizing myself...... But its all in good spirit because i know i shall work on it :D. How odd of me.
  
• I guess i am still writing in dot points. But i did a heap of reading on depression today for my PIP and i guess it kinda got to me because now in a way i feel like a statistic. And i know i'm not in that headspace AT ALL atm (compared to where i was last year) but its still confronting.
  
• Is sanity like beauty, held in the eye of the perceiver?
• I WANT TO GO TO UNI
• And i need to sleep
• and stop complaining in public.
  
• life is going quite well at the moment, really. This is me just rambling,,, ranting, expressing my miscellaneous thoughts.
• In dot point!!!!
  

Hello there Blog! I have reached the holidays finally... wooo.... two weeks of doing my PIP! Excellent! And somewhat relaxing... Last night I went on a date! It was fun... so yeah, things are going well... haha except all the pubs in the city last night closed at 9:30.... it started off as it was going to be a mass gathering, but then only the two of us could go... and it was great :). And now i must get ready for work!!

So, i sit here at 10:09pm on a Sunday night. And to tell you the truth i have no idea what's been going on lately. I'm kinda scared that i might be relapsing. I don't know. I really don't know. I guess its all about managing... and i guess i'm just on a tightrope... when i get off balance, i've just got to lean the other way. so i'll lean and hope for the best. I dunno i just felt really disjointed going out tonight... it's all in my head probably.. but it was great to catch up at insitu- hadn't been there in ages. Man, i really want to move out. End of the year here I come.... alright i should sleep. gnite.

Emily, think. Stop being ridiculous, think straight. STRAIGHT! Exactly. Major maturity gap. Crap, i wish i was decisive. And not so screwed up in my perceptions of relationships :(. I keep thinking, maybe you need to take a chance, blah blah, because i screwed up last time, but then i am thinking, take a chance on what? What exactly? I should stop thinking... i'm always over thinking. I'll just shut up and stop thinking now.

It's amazing what the power of sleep can do..... still i have a decision to make. He's really cool and everything but I'm not attracted to him... and half of me is like, just go out, have fun, see what happens, and the other half is like, what are you thinking? Better to try than not to try? And accents and aftershave should not influence this decision, but so far they have.... no one else has read me poetry in french!! Or read poetry with me.. but still. Should i just see what happens? Go along with it? I wish i didn't love accents so much..... i think it is my weakness.. haha i'll see how it all goes, i'm thinking over this too much.....

i swear, if i don't stop spinning round in circles soon I'll go crazy. and everytime i seem to bring my self back to this point, this frame of mind. Emily, do not drink when you are not feeling great.  i'm being so vague but yet i need to be, because i can't be specific.  because i don't know what the specifics are in general.  i just want to be at uni. i'm over the hsc.. and i don't have long to go, and i'm having a blast... but i could of been in a psych 101 lecture. i just want to be able to do things and not worry about my mental health or whatever. And what really annoys me is that the few people i really get on with and connect with on all levels... i just seem to not ... i don't even know how to explain it!  There's some people you just connect with, and its on all different types of levels.  With some people i connect on one or two levels ranging up to all levels. i hope this makes sense.  Levels may be spirituality, personality, a certain commonality or whatever.  and i guess i'm finding it weird.... i don't know how to explain all of this or what all this is about, because i hardly know. Oh subconscious, speak to me! but with some people its just there, you can feel it, like a sixth sense...  its like all wired up in the right way... and i think i've got three people in my life like that. but now as i'm meeting new people, it makes me miss those connections.. i don't know how to explain this. but hey... what are 8:47pm rambles for?

hi blog. things have been interesting. so tired right now. and need to do modern history stuff. I have a cool british friend. And i have no money right now.... i get paid tomorrow, then i'll be able to go and do things. Like buy coffee. Or even lunch. Went to the MCA again today... had a great time mucking around the city. Organised to read shakespeare tomorrow so that should be fun. Had Tim's 18th on the weekend which was fun... Although to quote the wombats i think i "spilled more than my drink.... ". Note to self: If angry about anyone, vent before alcohol consumption..... haha it wasn't that bad i guess but i don't like bagging out people to that extent. The cocktails were amazing! And the fireworks on the beach were great!!

I guess a lot of good stuff has been happening, but i just feel like i'm in emotional limbo land at the moment.... i've been feeling down a bit again and i feel like i'm loosing grip on a few things. But i know i'm not really but i'm just feeling it. I really would love to be in uni right now. Or maybe i'm scared of the gap widening between my friends? I dunno.

And i just got screamed at by my sister. man I need a break from this.....did someone say holiday?

I should exercise more. I'm going to go and do some study!

Ibuprofen + Codeine = best thing in the world. For physical pain! And quite funnily, when i am physically feeling better, my mood dramatically increases. Must be a link. I should really go to bed... today i did a few things around the house, had a bit of a blues day i suppose. But it was productive.... a year ago i would have stayed home... maybe have a shower.. spend the whole day on the couch watching midday tv rubbish. Got to keep reminding myself that i have got better, and the worse has been. I can't go to the V festival- couldn't get out of work... Crap, i need to call Tavis... i'll do that now! Nowish. My phone should arrive by the end of the week!!! Hopefully. And i'll also find out whether i'll get youth allowance. I reallllly hope i do... if i don't, i'll need to start working more.... Lucky i don't have to pay for meals at home :P. Ok i am falling asleep. That means sleeep. And i don't think many people can come on a holiday in the holidays. Might need a change of plan!!!

Just wrote this whilst trying to write a to-do list.

What's the point in trying
when I come around
I spin around in circles
my feet off the ground
it's been so right
so wrong
and in between
now i am swimming
in a land unseen

What's the use in hiding
from reality
nothing is real or true
in the age of tv
i do not know how to define
what i see
when seeing is believing
the lies around me

© Emozlie

It looks like i may be eligible for the student tax benefit stimulus thing. Woooo. I thought i wasn't, but i guess i'll find out in the next two weeks......

My maths test went really well- i'm definitely going to get above  90%, possibly 100%. That's a first for maths. But crap, why does everything come back to the same thing? Vague, but that's how life is at the moment. Well more like how i am feeling at the moment. Everything else is ok. Just at the moment i feel like hiding somewhere and sleeping for a few days. With a gin and tonic thrown in. 

I have done quite a lot of maths revision........ and now that i have stated this point, i will go eat, and then go back and do some more. :D

Ok this arvo I was Meant to be studying for maths tomorrow.. but i've done everything else BUT that. I did all the revision work with a breeze in class today... but still i think i have a hidden mentality to think: if i don't study and not do too well, at least i know i didn't try! Maybe i am scared of trying? And failing? I guess I've been running away from failure... too scared to fall.... Alas, I must embrace these opportunities to fail, to flourish, to 'test' myself.... Because its better to  take a chance right? I should apply this to all aspects of my life... including family relationships. And my attitude to tests. UNI! I want to be with you! But i can prove i have embraced some opportunities, which is better than not... 'Opportunity to fail' sounds like such a contradiction though...OK I've learnt my moral lesson/dilemma- i will go study now. And i'll try to remember to put effort into something, and see what happens- I can only learn. So Vague! Although i would never put everything into maths.. Ok enough of the procrastination.....

Apart from having a rather sore butt, I had a fantastic day today! I did a bike ride i've always wanted to do, and ended up at the other side at a random suburb. On;y catch was that it was a valley- great getting down to the middle (I found cascades!!)- but hell getting up the other side. Very accomplishing though, even if i walked a lot of it with my bike, but reminded me of Duke of Ed! My aim is to cut back my walking time and get more fit. So anyway when i reached the top of the otherside, i rode back down (such a great feeling to ride down at a million miles an hour a hill you've just climbed!!!). But then, i had to go up the hill at the start. Ouch. I'd stopped on the way back and had a bit of a sleep/lunch at the cascades, so coming back up I was out of my bike riding zone- was in the "i want to sleep" zone. It was so good to get back into nature and get some exercise, i was going crazy this morning, itching to do anything! 

First week holiday is coming together quite well... just hope we get enough people :D! Oh and that semi date i was talking about, it happened and i think we are both suited to be friends- but i was just happy that i took an interest - and besides, i need to meet a romantic poet! Preferably one not doing a million unit maths. 

I really would love to go to the beach! I haven't been in ages.... as in, the last time i went was like in... january? Feburary? I miss you oh beach! Ooh something else exciting is that i might be moving out.. i mean its still in the early stages yet, but Ash and I have been looking at houses..... And we need to get (if we decide to do it) two more people... it may not happen for a while, but its still really exciting- i feel like i want to start living my own life...  

St Patrick's Day was a blast!! :D No hat though :(. 

Ok I must waste my time on other things... like doing more maths study!

I JUST BOUGHT a mobile phone off ebay! wooooooooo!

OMGOSH just realised I get to go on another SCHOOLIES this year!!!!!!!!!! Who wants to come??????? SKIING! OMGOSH INSTEAD OF GOING ON THE SKI TRIP IN JULY I COULD SAVE UP AND GO SKIING OVER SEAS !!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO............. is it possible? Or thailandd....... or wow this would be so cool... i shall start saving :D:D:D:D:D:D

I feel bleh. As undefined and as wonderful as that phrase suggests! St Patricks Day was fun... but now I must focus on tafe...... Trying to think of some news! Nothing really that exciting... guess i'm not in a blog writing moood... maths....... and stuff needs to be done... farewell..

Ok my head is currently burning from peroxide but hey I am writing a blog to forget about the fact MY HEAD IS ON FIRE!!!! AHHHHHH! I've finally gotten round to dying my hair (it was waaaay over due...) but it sings..... !!! In other news everything is going well... handed in my assessment.... started a portugese burger appreciation society for grumpy's....... wasted a whole heap of time on facebook.. the usual. Need to listen to some music! :D

Ok hair has kinda stopped burning now which is good.. but i still have another half an hour to wait! Put music on shuffle- Eric Calpton's "before you accuse me" has just come on. Pretty decent considering this is my mum's computer. Hmm I seem to have slipped into obsessive blog posting again. Mwahaha well at least this isn't live journal and i'm not taking up anyone's friend page. I should send an email asking if anyone wants to get together on sat night. Or i could just come home from work and watch movies. OMGOSH FARSCAPE marathon.... Maybe. My family is going to a 60's party. Seeing my mum's costume has put me off going. i will not be seen with any type of go-go dancer. Who is over the age of 20.

I miss the beach. Hmm thats an idea. Tomorrow after work, i sprint down to the beach, swim, and then come home. It may work. Who knows what i'm going to do. I'm thinking farscape is the most viable option at the moment. SUCH A BIG RAMBLE! Completely pointless but taking my mind off the fact that my scalp is sooooo itchy itchy itchy..... Ooooh in other news i do seem to have a friend date! I think it is more of a friend thing, so i'll keep it at that :D. Should be fun anyway!

19 mins to go. NINETEEN MINUTES! You should all try portugese chicken burgers from Grumpy's. They are awesome. AWESOME! just realised i'm listening to a french rock song. How odd. Ok now i'm going to abandon this computer, i need a real life.

********
But who needs a real life? When i don't really have anything else to do until my hair gets washed out in approximately ten minutes? I have work tomorrow from 10:30-5..... i wish i could decide what i want to do tomorrow night. I could just do nothing. Now that is a plan! I have no idea really, i'm just overtired and i've had v today and a gin and tonic tonight so who knows what i am on about........... Me? Maybe. SEVEN MINUTES! 7 mins.

Everyone should go to the MCA. It is amazing!!!!

I've lost count, is this my fourth post today??? Who knows.. Procrastination is an amazing thing for blogs......... :D!

Ok I've done some of my assessment, but i'm just not in the mood of writing essays. I know its due tomorrow but bleh. I can waste time writing in here instead! Its quite funny really, its easy to write about absolutely nothing here, but to articulate something accurate and esssay like seems impossible. But i know what I am doing...... just not interested in it. I should reward myself ! Set goals! Bribe myself with chocolate?

Bricabrac! My mind feels fried.... and i feel like a hot chocolate from thredbo... like when its freezing cold, you ski down from merits (merits is dodgey, but lets pretend that is a good place for runs), you put your ski's up, walk in, strip off excess layers.... and you order a hotchocolate and a slice of cheesecake. The hot chocolate is in a massive mug........ with whipped cream and the milk is full cream.... and with marshmellows which i pick out.... and you bite into a bit of the cheesecake... How i long to be in the snow! Or in a log cabin. LOG CABIN! With a fireplace. I'm going to start saving my butt off... i really want to go skiing this year.... just for the hot chocolate :P. Nah, i'm scared i'm loosing my form.....

This week has been really great so far! Catching up with friends and sharing the love of portugese chicken burgers = good times. I'm a bit nervous though at the moment because i've semi asked someone out... It's still only a semi thing, but still, normally I ignore the other peorson completely and run the other way. But i don't see them all the time, so if it doesn't do anything it'll be fine...Anyway, i'm sure it will be fun whatever happens!

So yeah my phone cap runs out today (finally!) so tomorrow i'll be free... my computer is still dead, so i'm writing this at tafe. Talking of tafe, i have an assessment due tomorrow. Should get cracking on that but instead i'm exploring the realms of the internet. Always fun...

Ok well enough of my rambles I must go and do something that isn't on blogger- as in work. I feel guilty using a tafe computer to do this... i should use it for work :P! byebye blog!

**
P.s. My mum stole my sister's peripherals from her computer. I think it runs in the family.... (Heather's computer is now situated in the kitchen so I can use it but mainly so there is a time limit on the internet.) I love that word, peripherals. So a note to my mum and sister: STOP STEALING MY PERIPHERALS!
It's like the word Bric-a-brac. Say it really quickly. Spit it out! I love that word-bricabrac! bricabac bricabrac bricabac......

Ok i've given up on the 'i'm going to finish an assessment now before i go to modern" thinking, because i don't think that is going to work. I keep falling asleep in modern though.... o.0 But I am not the only one! Jo does as well, she admitted it first.

Alright, now I AM LEAVING this website, as i must go to class. Bricabac!

You know what? After all the chaos that has gone on this week, it made me do something. Step up. I had a choice to either let it all goand turn into a blubbering mess on a downward spiral with circumstances, or step up and do something. And i've stepped up. I don't know how i did it, but it just clicked. I stepped up to being me, taking responsibilty for things out of my control.  And ever since monday night i've felt different. In a good way.... And i haven't felt this in control for a long time. Everything seems to click in, and i feel like i am now being, or doing who i am. If that makes sense. I've had so many realisations about love, God, friends, myself etc, i don't think i can go into it all in one post.  And i feel like i'm here now. And I'm ready to be Emily.  I'm seeing things in completely different ways and it's like my mind and heart and whatever have been transformed or released from the haze i've been moping arouind in. I can't define what it is, but its like i've made a choice- and its not because i feel like i should, or people say i should or not or whatever, butstepping up and connecting with God in a level i've never done before- its shifted me. I still don't know how to explain it. Praying with my Dad started it off... and its like the tangled up love thing that was going on has vanished. I don't think its been replaced, but changed. I wish i could define the sensation- put at peace? The attention and crap i was craving from peoplehas gone and i feel like my own person. Anyway its amazing, God is amazing, life is one hell of a ride but who knows where i'll end up next.   And i'm happy to stand on my two feet again.

Am i crazy? Or does all this seem so wrong, and yet so right? Head or heart?

When you think things can't get any worse... they do... murphy's law, right? Right.  But this isn't the time or place to be discussing family matters. Just know, i love you all to bits.  And i wish i knew what to do with myself. xo

Had a big D&M session with Ashley today... so exhausting! But fun i suppose. It made me come to a realisation that i didn't really want to realise. But that;s how D&M's go, right? What do you do when you get a realisation though? Who knows....... The coffee was good- we discovered a coffee place at central. Awesome place.

I'm trying to get a collection of my poetry together to publish., so i'm going to go write some more/collate. :)

I feel so off centre right now. o.0

Ok it feels as though i haven't written in here for ages. The last two weeks have been woaha- i think its only been the last few days i've actually stopped to process it all. Tafe is going well- i'm so over public transport... but hey, who isn't......... 

It's been really strange how my friendships have been working out. As i've been at tafe and as now this week everyone goes to uni..... i've kept in contact with the people who i didn't think i would. Well i mean developed friendships that i didn't really have in school. But its cool- its like school didn't let me or something. Anyway, i'm actually a bit scared about this week- maybe i have this thing like i'll be forgotten. I know i won't be, but it's like i'm just floating right now. 

I've become closer to my dad... and steve's just moved in. There hasn't really been a constant in my life..... well there has but i have shoved it off. I'm not so good at keeping relationships with god. Why? i don't know. I struggle to keep that constant thing going. But yeah, i'm human. It comes in my package. 

I'm a bit nervous how things are going to work out. I've survived change before but its still like woaha. And i just realised my sister changed my mouse around. Change is in the air!!!! And on my computer. it would be good if before she changed my 'peripherals' around.

This is odd. I'm writing in paragraphs. I never do this. Ever. 

And now i don't know what to write, or what to put here. I'm floating around.. and i didn't handle things well last tuesday night. At all. But i've learnt my lesson i hope. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCEKNgdJlJE

Oh yeah.

Am i over this already? I miss quite a few people. It's weird starting off making friends again.  And i'm so tired..... change of routine does that to me.   I really can't be bothered to write anymore....  UNI i want you so bad. 

Aahhhhhhhhhhh.

Next straw:
I walk into my old room in shorts and a bra to get a t-shirt from my old closet. Two nine year old boys are sitting on the floor. Playing with an evolutionary descendant from lego. It's not that big of a deal.. just that they are taking over ....

Cons of new room:
Can hear children of the street at 7am screaming at the top of their lungs riding their bikes on a Saturday morning. "Rory! Lee! Richard! My turn!" I wouldn't mind it on a normal day, because i'm going to have to get up around then. But on a Saturday! I decide to sleep in, maybe until 8:30. Even 8. Or 7:59.

I still feel sick..... It's like heat goes 'let's make a normally painfree experience and turn it into HELL." Think positively, in like ten years time I'll be thrilled because i'll be able to have children. Or whatever.

It's 8:08 am. And i should be sleeping. In bed. Listening to birds. Or Matt Tonks. Or anything apart from young boys screaming about bike riding. I sound so cynical. But its my sleep! My sleep in... I get up early during the week, how am i meant to stay sane??? Without sleep? I'll file a complaint. Keep them up all night and then see how they feel. EMILY, stop acting like a 9 yearold boy and GET OVER IT. But i'm so tired! This is like absurdist theatre in action.

Yuck, i feel sick... Maybe the heat is getting to me? Bleh. My stomach is working overtime...

I'm typing this in my new room :D! Still need to set up my bed properly... and move out a few bits and pieces of my mums...

I'e spent today doing nothing. I feel so unproductive- i read a whole heap of psychology books- bits and pieces....... that was fun. Painted my nails. I feel so unmotivated yet somewhat scared to do anything because aahh tafe next week. I hate waiting... I guess i've got this underlying ffear that tafe is going to do to me what school did last year... But how do i face that fear?? I don't know what's going to happen, for better or for worse this year... its all uncertainty... It's so weird.... i want to do this hsc thing.. and go to uni. I am so freaked out though, because what if this is all a circle? That i get better for a while, work starts back, i get overwhelmed etc, and i start spiralling down again? I guess i've always been used to making it on my own.. Shit, i'm scared. I know it'll all work out- but even when i'm well, there's still this underlying 'oh, that's where i have been...' and 'ahh, what if i go back>?' because its not realistic to say it will or won't happen again. And i've got myself in check and all the support stuff has been set up. And its strange being branded with the term 'clinical depression' and having to write that as a disability on forms- its all true though. I should be proud of how far i've come... and i am.. at the moment i'm just scared it will all come back......... I know i need to get over it and i will, but i've never been one to enjoy/look forward to confrontations, especially with myself. Tafe is a great environment, everyone is supportive, stop thinking and just get on with it Emily.

Ok I'm officially enrolled in tafe... but man I am really nervous about starting up...i just don't want to go down the path i did last year... i'm sure it'll be alright.. set up all the support networks today! So tired though.

Met up with some new but hadn't seen for ages friends on Sunday night, it was really cool. (After the church service thing, i can't remember whether i've since written an entry.)

Anyway sleep calls.... and i have a day of hammocking tomorrow. YAY! :D

Ok, last night I thought I should go to church to start off the new term.. so i was going to meet a friend at a local anglican church.. but then she couldn't come... so I showed up by myself... i was really nervous :P. But it turned out to be really friendly and nice- met some great people and was invited to the young adults get together afterwards.. It was almost a breath of fresh air... because it wasn't confronting, people were there because they wanted to be... i felt really welcome there. Anyway we'll see how it goes... i thought i'd give church another try... the people there are 'real' and so much fun to be around with.... anyway i'll see how it goes.

Tafe today! Enrollment! I didn't sleep at all last night... o.0 i think i'm nervous :P. Anyway i should probably get ready... THERE IS NO MILK!!!!!!!!!! *tear...* No weetbix for me :(

And the song sometimes....

http://www.yoav.ru/lyrics/sometimes.html

I could listen to his album forever!

http://www.yoav.ru/lyrics/angel-and-the-animal.html

Go to last fm, and listen to it. Yoav is amazing.

Bleh. I find out today whether or not I got into tafe! Kinda weird, i didn't realise their was a selection process... the campus is really nice (stained glass windows!) and very cute indie guys go to tafe. So that's where they have all been hiding my whole life. Lol! At the moment i'm feeling angsty. So don't believe anything I say! I'm just feeling very angry and frustrated. But i don't know why! I'm excited about tafe and whatever, but sometimes i just feel invisible. But i know i'm not. Or maybe i'm just really freaked out about whats going to happen in the next month.. maybe scared of being forgotten? I dunno... I really don't know. I think i'm more scared about going back to where i was 6 months ago... And then there's this whole God thing. I'm trying to focus on god, not the people who think they are god.. do you know what i mean? I guess i've always based my interpretation of God on the people in the church or in my family, but the truth is he's probably not like any of them... I'm sick of all these contradictions, rules, and guilt trips that i've made myself believe... Like for example , since i was like 11, i've been told not to have sex before marriage. And thats really messed up my idea of relationships, because i was so scared of any physical/emotional contact in case i disobeyed God. SOunds stupid, but i have never been able to tell people what i really feel about them, and missed tonnes of opportunites. WIth friendships, family, and relationships. But where does it all come from? Am i just a messed up eleven year old still clinging on to her beliefs and hoping things don't change? Still stuffed up from when i first got told i was moving out to penrith without my dad? Fuck, i don't know. I can't trust male figures, and i'm only really learning nowhow to trust male friends properly. Welldone to my family for screwing me up! SO what is my point exactly? i don't know. I'm feeling angry and screwed up.


I suppose that feels better rambling.

Apart from a bit of food poisoning, things have been good! (how i regret eating that lovely piece of gozomele (no idea how to spell it), it tasted good at the time but ooh so deadly..)Yesterday i got kissed by a drunk irishman in an irish pub, very random.... Tried some guinness, i think its an accquired taste. Got a hammock yesterday too :D - just need a hammock stand. Saturday night was fun in Manly, "Ola!". Still want to have that mexican party. Big hats, jellybeans and tequila- ola! I'm enrolling at tafe tomorrow... i'm a bit nervous but still pretty excited :D

Got my new mp3 player today. From ebay! At half the price, and it was sealed. I love ebay. And sony. :D I've never had a colour mp3 player before, so its rather fun. Listening to live and let die by guns and roses at the moment... some reason i really like it at the moment. It reminds me of a james bond theme??

Hmm it was so hot today... did 3/4 of the laundry, did osme gardening.... and some washing... so that was good. So far everyone i have talked to are happy with their uni preferences.. and B is staying in sydney! woo... On friday i'm trying to organise something fun! We have a list to get through... so so far, its a mexican theme get together, with jelly beans, big hats and tequila. (All in moderation of course, wouldn't want to wear too many big hats :P) I guess what i've been thinking about lately is my habit of friendships. Its weird, its like i'm not letting myself get close to anyone, and i caught myself out the other day doing it... I almost feel uncomfortable when when someone tries to find out more about me... it was just a weird sensation.. i seem to have scattered myself around with so many friends, of course there is nothing wrong with that at all... I guess i just need to start taking more chances, stop playing friendships safe. Get down to the gritty stuff, let more people in. Etc. I seem to freak out when peopole get too close, or discover what i'm feeling about them. Oh well. something i can work on. I think too much...

Tafe enrollment day coming up soon!

And welcome Obama :D:D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life has been work, sleep.... and The Dark Knight thrown in. I've had my moments- good and bad! And thats all for now= dinner calls!

I've just been reading over my blog from two years ago. My my, how i've changed/. Looking back I'm actually astonished of how far I've come and what I have achieved. I've also remember the low points I've had... man i never want to go back into that headspace again.
I'm really looking forward to this new year, everything seems to be coming together, or more specifically, I feel like i'm coming together as a person. I think it will be exciting to see where this year leads me...

Fighting daylight
With wishes of time
Denial of the night passed
And the day started
Birds laughing at our foolishness
Of our beliefs
That we are beyond
The jurisdictions of nature

Fighting the truth
With closed eyes
Hiding the beginning ahead
And sweeping the path behind us
With every word
An awakening spreads
Of what we could be
Bound together
With a tartan sheet...

I love insitu! And live music! And wonderful friends... and max brenner and yogo <3

ANGST!!!!!!!! That's how i feel.
No idea why. Had to stop playing the guitar in fear that i would break it... and both my hands are sore- one from blisters, the other from strumming crazy patterns. .... need some release? Tomorrow= run.

2009, bring it on. With exercise and crazy guitar playing.