Bleh. I find out today whether or not I got into tafe! Kinda weird, i didn't realise their was a selection process... the campus is really nice (stained glass windows!) and very cute indie guys go to tafe. So that's where they have all been hiding my whole life. Lol! At the moment i'm feeling angsty. So don't believe anything I say! I'm just feeling very angry and frustrated. But i don't know why! I'm excited about tafe and whatever, but sometimes i just feel invisible. But i know i'm not. Or maybe i'm just really freaked out about whats going to happen in the next month.. maybe scared of being forgotten? I dunno... I really don't know. I think i'm more scared about going back to where i was 6 months ago... And then there's this whole God thing. I'm trying to focus on god, not the people who think they are god.. do you know what i mean? I guess i've always based my interpretation of God on the people in the church or in my family, but the truth is he's probably not like any of them... I'm sick of all these contradictions, rules, and guilt trips that i've made myself believe... Like for example , since i was like 11, i've been told not to have sex before marriage. And thats really messed up my idea of relationships, because i was so scared of any physical/emotional contact in case i disobeyed God. SOunds stupid, but i have never been able to tell people what i really feel about them, and missed tonnes of opportunites. WIth friendships, family, and relationships. But where does it all come from? Am i just a messed up eleven year old still clinging on to her beliefs and hoping things don't change? Still stuffed up from when i first got told i was moving out to penrith without my dad? Fuck, i don't know. I can't trust male figures, and i'm only really learning nowhow to trust male friends properly. Welldone to my family for screwing me up! SO what is my point exactly? i don't know. I'm feeling angry and screwed up.


I suppose that feels better rambling.