29th April, 2009

Back to blogging... being back at Tafe is ok, need to get into study mode though. :D Although I seem to find myself caught between two extremes and i need to pull both into moderation. Extreme one: drinking etc... Extreme two: church. Sounds weird. But i seem to get caught in the mindset.. need to get them to coexist. Which I have been doing, so its just about getting balance, right? Anyway I am having fun :D

I'm really excited too because I have printed out and typed out most of my poetry, and I'm showing it to a work collegue tomorrow.... Kinda scared though because its that poetry is.. me. Anyway its about 20 pages so I'm excited- it means i can enter it in a competition!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D! Still. It's my soul. Heart. Whatever you want to call it. All on paper. o.0

Catching up with Janine on friday,.. wooooo. Talking of catch ups, TIM! Haven't seen you in ages!! How have you been??

Ok I need to eat.. been home for an hour, feeling very hungry, and haven't done anything about it.

Mona , 24th April, 4:33pm

Ok , obviously I was in a weird mood when I post that last entry.... I think I was thinking in extremes, angsty, hating the world etc. You know what I mean.

Last night was sooo much fun! First time at mona= awesome. Tried my first tequila shot (no sombreo though!) and the whole lemon and lime thing... Had a ball dancing and hanging out! Bumped into some old Manly-ites from the year above me (Chris Dendle!) and a someone from Cromer (Yugi?). Such a gooood night!

Sooo tired now though o.0

21st April, 9:28am

Truth 101: I am human.
How do we define 'human'?
A collection of us = humanity.
Individual= human.
Is being human admitting you are able to make mistakes?
Is an awareness of the human state acknowledging our weakness?
Politicians talk about changing the world.
Always talking about how we can make a difference.
But doesn't the notion of we eliminate individual responsibility?

On facebook I have 228 friends.
How many of them do I see regularly?
I'd say around 8 of them.
So what is the point in calling 220 of those people friends?
Sounds harsh, but I may 'write on someones wall' .
Upload a photo of me being an idiot.
But do I really know any of these people?
Should I believe the online persona that I, and others, create of themselves?
Because life isn't perfect.
And it isn't all happy snaps.
And yet I continue to believe it, and be sucked in by the facebook world.

Don't get me wrong.
It's amazing to stay in contact.
But it's all meaningless.
And appearances.

Do people really want to know how each other are?
Or just want people to see they have an online social life?
That they get comments?
And that they have thousands of friends.

I think I need to take a step back from the online world.
This blog included.
And maintain real relationships- not just comments and pokes.
I guess I miss people, interactions, laughter.
Not 'lols'.

So my challenge to myself today is:
To take charge of what I am doing.

20th April, 8:51

Ok, I've realised I need to slow down. Take a few breaths. I have a tendency to dig my head in the sand, sing and sip loudly. There's nothing wrong with having a break from reality, by all means, we all deserve a break, but I need to stop this train of me running away. Which I am doing :). Woo for cognitive behaviour therapy. I'm going to explore and enjoy being myself, without adhering to any tendencies shared by others.... I guess towards the end of last term I started clinging on to my twelve year old self some what. I'm older and wiser than that. And I'll just keep writing here until I reach some conclusion.... But what is the conclusion I want to make? What is it that I want to realise? What am I trying to get at? Good questions. Maybe I'm just not used to enjoying the scenery in life.... You know, taking snapshots of the now.....

18th April, Saturday, 5:11pm

Its quite funny when I think about the internet. Anyone can create a persona.... and say what they want. I was thinking about it, and was like- hmmm, am i trying to live up to my blog?
Caught up with school friends today so that was great! Saw Monsters Vs Aliens- so much fun... the last two days have been great... yesterday was Mt Victoria..... :D We headed up there and had a blast!! Started off with champagne.... and ended the night with a pint of guiness. Woot. And I don't really want to fill in the gaps with the rest of our liquid intake. Ah, but it was so much fun- just hanging out at the mountains in this random place with an AWESOME view- couldn't ask for anything more... :)

15th April, 9:27pm

ten hours of work = money. but soooooooo tired! ok i must go and eat.......
***********
Stuff eating!

So excited, going to mt victoria on friday and hopefully the beach tomorrow... or movie tomorrow. Something tomorrow!

I should stop posting my life on a blog. oh well :P

15th April, 7:52am

Ok I admit, my last nights blog was a tad weird.

And hello to a follower! I didn't realise I had two followers! I am amazed you like to read this :P.
Ok i've got to get ready for work....

14th April, 10:30pm

*dies in a hole somewhere*. = easiest answer to problems.
BUT IN REALITY, not the post practical solution, am I right? Yes.

List of problems/rant/random thoughts:

  • I just don't get it. If the people I wanted to ask me out asked me out, it would be good. BUT i'm getting stalked by someone at my bus stop- "INSERT NAME HERE THAT STARTS WITH A G"! MOVE BACK TO NORTH CURL CURL WHERE YOU BELONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok its not as serious as that, but seriously... get a life. Get laid. Do something.
  • Starting to freak out a bit about hsc... but using energy productively to do my PIP
  • Why did she do it again? Attention. Right.
  • Caught up with old church friends today... was good :D . Carmens getting married...
  • My dad told me to have sex before I got married the other day, because its stupid to get married to have sex young. Bad for marriage apparently. I agree. Haven't tried the practical side of it, but hey, i've got time. (note the somewhat sarcastic somewhat serious tone that can not be differentiated from each other...)
  • I've been looking at uni courses. they all look great- but can't figure out how to use some of their websites.
  • I don't understand why I waste all my time on here. Or on facebook.
  • I really want to go to the beach right now. I would do anything to be on a beach with no one on it, watching the stars and listening to the waves right now. Wish I had a car. And my P's.
  • Right now I feel like having a few glasses of whatever, but i won't, because i have work tomorrow at 8:30 and drinking to drown sorrows isn't encouraged!!! Especially if you're not on george street and by yourself!!!
  • Life has actually been really great, just have a tendency to blog in extremes here. This blog is my venting arena.
  • Got 1,184 words of my pip done. Woot. Aim is to have a draft by the end of the holidays. approx. 4,000 words to go. Woooop.
  • Will stop writing now. Needs sleep.
After thought dot points:
  • GET BACK TO CHURCH EMILY , or at least start praying again. Remember getting up in the morning? How great you felt? Empowered?Instead of walking around in a haze off into the day, grab the day and DO SOMETHING WITH IT. stop saying and DO! DO! Be, exist, live. Don't just cruise. LIVE, love, enjoy. Stop acting like a two yearold.
  • I now feel like criticizing myself...... But its all in good spirit because i know i shall work on it :D. How odd of me.
  • I guess i am still writing in dot points. But i did a heap of reading on depression today for my PIP and i guess it kinda got to me because now in a way i feel like a statistic. And i know i'm not in that headspace AT ALL atm (compared to where i was last year) but its still confronting.
  • Is sanity like beauty, held in the eye of the perceiver?
  • I WANT TO GO TO UNI
  • And i need to sleep
  • and stop complaining in public.
  • life is going quite well at the moment, really. This is me just rambling,,, ranting, expressing my miscellaneous thoughts.
  • In dot point!!!!

Hello there Blog! I have reached the holidays finally... wooo.... two weeks of doing my PIP! Excellent! And somewhat relaxing... Last night I went on a date! It was fun... so yeah, things are going well... haha except all the pubs in the city last night closed at 9:30.... it started off as it was going to be a mass gathering, but then only the two of us could go... and it was great :). And now i must get ready for work!!

night

So, i sit here at 10:09pm on a Sunday night. And to tell you the truth i have no idea what's been going on lately. I'm kinda scared that i might be relapsing. I don't know. I really don't know. I guess its all about managing... and i guess i'm just on a tightrope... when i get off balance, i've just got to lean the other way. so i'll lean and hope for the best. I dunno i just felt really disjointed going out tonight... it's all in my head probably.. but it was great to catch up at insitu- hadn't been there in ages. Man, i really want to move out. End of the year here I come.... alright i should sleep. gnite.

ramble.......

Emily, think. Stop being ridiculous, think straight. STRAIGHT! Exactly. Major maturity gap. Crap, i wish i was decisive. And not so screwed up in my perceptions of relationships :(. I keep thinking, maybe you need to take a chance, blah blah, because i screwed up last time, but then i am thinking, take a chance on what? What exactly? I should stop thinking... i'm always over thinking. I'll just shut up and stop thinking now.

ramble on accents

It's amazing what the power of sleep can do..... still i have a decision to make. He's really cool and everything but I'm not attracted to him... and half of me is like, just go out, have fun, see what happens, and the other half is like, what are you thinking? Better to try than not to try? And accents and aftershave should not influence this decision, but so far they have.... no one else has read me poetry in french!! Or read poetry with me.. but still. Should i just see what happens? Go along with it? I wish i didn't love accents so much..... i think it is my weakness.. haha i'll see how it all goes, i'm thinking over this too much.....

circles

i swear, if i don't stop spinning round in circles soon I'll go crazy. and everytime i seem to bring my self back to this point, this frame of mind. Emily, do not drink when you are not feeling great.  i'm being so vague but yet i need to be, because i can't be specific.  because i don't know what the specifics are in general.  i just want to be at uni. i'm over the hsc.. and i don't have long to go, and i'm having a blast... but i could of been in a psych 101 lecture. i just want to be able to do things and not worry about my mental health or whatever. And what really annoys me is that the few people i really get on with and connect with on all levels... i just seem to not ... i don't even know how to explain it!  There's some people you just connect with, and its on all different types of levels.  With some people i connect on one or two levels ranging up to all levels. i hope this makes sense.  Levels may be spirituality, personality, a certain commonality or whatever.  and i guess i'm finding it weird.... i don't know how to explain all of this or what all this is about, because i hardly know. Oh subconscious, speak to me! but with some people its just there, you can feel it, like a sixth sense...  its like all wired up in the right way... and i think i've got three people in my life like that. but now as i'm meeting new people, it makes me miss those connections.. i don't know how to explain this. but hey... what are 8:47pm rambles for?