I hate feeling like this. Sick. Dizzy. Slight nausea. Mind frozen. And sleepy. Once my body is used to it, it'll be alot better. I just really don't like feeling like this.

Finished Brave New World. It was a really interesting read. Went to the library today and borrowed a whole heap of other books... The Catcher in the Rye, The Great Gatsby.. thought I'd get into some classics. ANd some poetry.

Yuck, i feel sick. I'm really missing everyone at school. It's so nice to see people when they come in for exams... but then of course they leave, to study, go home. I wish i was doing that. Instead I have to go to class. Pastoral Care. DOn't get me wrong, the year 11's are great. I just really miss our group... i feel somewhat isolated, kinda like the new kid. I'm probably just feeling like this because i'm feeling sick already. I dunno, i guess everyone gets to move on, get on with their life.. do uni, etc. And yet here i am, still in highschool. It's only one year.. i just don't want to loose everyone... I'm just in a crap mood. I'm sure it will be ok. I guess i'm scared of loosing friendships because of distance, or because people have moved on to uni life. I want to move on, believe me! It was really my dream... so i suppose i am mourning a dream? and yet, i've learnt so much about myself.

Reading brave new world got me thinking about happiness. Is it just an induced state of mind? is it something we long to create, to escape the harsh reality? Or can we be truly be happy, by being content, or by God? What has happened when happiness is defined by materialistic gain, physical gratification or how much money is in the bank? The economic world is collapsing, and maybe we should stop and look. Have we wasted our dreams on items bigger and better, and should have been investing dreams into each other? Into family, nature, love? Why do we continue to deny ourselves what we really need, want our soul and spirit needs, even desires to function, yet we supress it with physical attraction, mobile phones or cars. WHy don't we believe in love anymore? In spirituality? In connections to one an other, as human beings? Why can't we tell people what we really think of them? So many questions, so many answers. What is it about human nature that makes it so? Sure, we aren't perfect. How did I get depression? emotional factors? environment? genetics? divorce? Is it simply the absence of real happiness, and i'm denying my true existence or 'me' by taking medication? Making the world seem better? How can my mind turn against me, how do you loose control? Because its unhappy? What has happened to our society? We've lost our minds!

Big ramble. Here's the beginning of a poem i wrote yesterday. Wrote it after reading Brave new world.

Happiness is a state of mind
But read between the lines
A state of naivety
Where the world does not keep its form
But opens
To reveal the glorious chaos
Of our manufactured reality

What defines wrong from right?
The distinction of moral justice
Preconditioned not by choice
To rule
To roam
The realms of one's self.