Today I stepped on an oyster, starfish and a bee. The bee must have thought- oh, I'm going to go for a swim, submerge myself in water, so when Emily walks past... I can sting her! It really hurt.

Right now I'd feel like I'd do anything to be leaving school. I'm freaking out. Everyones leaving. People say they don't want to leave. I want to !! Swap anyone?? ahhhhhhhh.

I think what I've learnt about life and myself over the last year is that nothing is perfect. I'd always wanted relationships, myself, school, life, family, everything to be perfect. Exactly to plan, with no faults. And i suppose that meant I was in denial of myself, because no one is perfect. And i guess I've learnt to accept my faults, mistakes, whatever you want to call them, and not condem others for theirs. I've learnt that there is always two sides to a story. Maybe more. Over the last few years I was always trying to change, depend on the ffuture....but forgot about living now. I'm so glad I've come to know it, because I can;t believe that I once blamed others for their implerfections or it was all their fault when in fact it was mine. Do you get what I mean? When you know your "faults", when you step back and go 'hey, i realised i can be "blah blah blah" ' you come to a new perspective of yourself. And you accept it. For me, thats really helped me get back on track.
I guess all this talk that "men are bastards" has gotten me thinking of it. But in all truth, I've known some worse women than men. I guess we are all trying to change people around us and expect what we want out of them (with friends, relatives) and forget to look at the real issue.
I really would just love to go on a holiday.. watch the stars..... sleep in.. stay up.. run across the beach..

So Emily welcome to reality- imperfection. And never forget that the most imperfect things can often be the most beautiful- hand made glass.

Ok, so I get home from a 50th. And I've discovered why I've been warned about punch... o.0 But it tastes so nice and fruity.. but .. its like.. got everything in it... but the kitchen sink. So I think Sgt. Pepper's is the best album to listen to at the moment... And I've logged on to msn for kicks. and the best conversation is who we'd kill to save someone. I think I'm over hypothetical questions. Wow, its tomorrow now. I should probably go to bed. Hmm, i might read some Shakespeare.. or not. 

Talk about an emotional weekend. Where do I even start? Because I have no idea where I've finished... on my emotional spectrum? I have no idea. o.0

I guess there is a time when you are brought to your knees by all the things about yourself you pretended didn't exist.. ever had the feeling? this year has been crap. Absolutely. I never thought i'd be in the place i am now- but hey, according to english its all in the journey of life. Whoopie. I've decided sanity is actually all in your head. If you are infact going through a bout of insanity, you don't realise it until your 'sane' again. I met a lady at a bus stop... she told me how chicken nuggets were too expensive and how she was going to make her own out of seaweed. She pronounced to the bus driver that she had bipolar... and went about her buisness. To her, she is fine. But it appears sanity can only be decided by others around you and how they perceive your behaviour. And what is sanity anyway? the most interesting people I've met have always been seen as strange.. people who chose to do the little things in life that everyone else is too scared to do.. singing loudly on a bus, dressing how they please- wearing a sparkly green hat and long black boots- these are all amazing people who dare to do what they want. They aren't contstrained by social opinions or what others would do. They are embracing life... it's so beautiful how they do it. And what am I doing? Clinging on to systems, achievements that really mean nothing anymore. I don't know what to call it, but i've lost so much of 'it'. I swear when i'm better, every single person will know about depression. it fucking sucks - most people think people who get it are weak- but it takes strenght to get out of bed each day, to take each new day, to live each new day. it's like everything has been stripped from me and now i'm building my life up again i suppose. 'maintaining a balance'. i've always worried about the future and the past, but now i'm learnign to live in the present. Enjoying the moment, now. but at times it's like i'm stuck in a box that i just can't get out of... Anyway i've been able to do the things i love- writing poetry and painting, walking denver.... and my world can only get better.

I'm so over this school thing. Maybe its just the institution, or it wouldn't suprise me if it was all in my head. I'm off to catch a bus- missed my other one, so today i'll get a whole ten minutes of english.

In the words of Savage Garden: I want to run through the jungle with wind in my hair and the sand in my feet...

FREEDOM!

Yes, that's right, i'm now officially... old. I welcomed my adult self with a glass of pink champagne at midnight on Sunday, and we looked through mountains of baby photos... yes, the naked baths shots have come back to haunt me. And now it is time for me to sleep, goodnight blog!

But that was when I ruled the world...

Lemons.

That's all I have to say. Big, fat, rotten, sour, juicy, putrid lemons.

I'll try and make lemonade...

Wow, july already.. time really does fly by...

Just thought i'd make an announcement and say that I am relatively back to normal now.... and that last week, I truly did loose my sanity. I've always joked about it, but I think I seriously lost it. Anyway, I'm back, so hello blog and the world wide web, and now I must finish an essay.

I'm fucking insane!! That's all i can come to logically. Hang on, what logic???? I'm a walking contradiction! Thats the logic!! I've always said, blah blah, i would never find myself in anyone else, but my whole life, i've always done that. I'm nice to people because i need their approval to form my identity. And now because I am so distant and not constantly getting everyones approval subconsciously, now, i'm having a fucking identity crisis! I'm always doing everything i do for other people, so they life me, so they approve, so they think i'm nice , all my life and its only now that i notice it. Does anyone know me? Know who I am? All i know at the moment is that I'm Emily, I'm a writer. And i've lost the plot. Oh no, I'm thinking, I swore in my blog.. what will people think? I don't care at the moment. I really don't care what you think- but thats the irony. Because deep down wired in my messed up brain, i do care. And I am so good at wearing my mask, but at the moment its getting really thin.At this point in time, i don't care. I have issues. I'm feeling angry, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, on edge and i'm going to say that. I'm finding it hard to cope with keeping my life together, balanced. I haven't slept properly for a week. And I don't want sympathy, so please, keep it to yourself. I'm really sick of the knowingful looks and the hapy faces. Sometimes, things are not ok. That's life. I know things will get better, but at the moment i'm just so fucking FRUSTRATED! Ha, some alliteration for you. It's like i'm caught between some weird space time continuim, trying to figure out who I am without everybody else. I'm stuck in limbo land, not severely depressed, but not back to 'normality' (what ever that may be)... SO FRUSTRATING. It just seems to be this spiral. Maybe a vicious Absurdist cycle.

And its ok to feel like this. Because at least I'm feeling something. And feelings change.

I've been trying to write something in here this afternoon, but switched to my notebook.

What to do??? I am sitting in a public library trying to fill in time. Usually i can waste hours! But now, i can't....... Saw Indiana Jones this morning. It was brilliant!! Absolutely brilliant! "I want knowledge.." Lol. *yawn*. Any suggestions? I could explore the mall more but then I'll spend more money... i've already bought a starwars lego game... I'll go look at the library cds.. yes thats an idea. SO TIRED! Ok. Goodbye.

Not yet...... Actually yes yet. Bye!

Since i don't seem to have the capacity to do anything else, i've played games for most of tonight. Bejeweled. Hold ;em poker, other random ones. I'm really sick of side effects. One constant blur and one constant headache. It'll be over soon. Ok, well i'm going to sleep now. Night.

In Compensation, she handed me the potato salad. And hoped that everything would be well. Refraining from the obvious, I filled those minutes with endless chit chat and remarks, and watched her eyes dart to and fro. And that was it. No confrontation. Just anxiety on both sides. And words to be released another day.

Mind you, its my favourite recipe. And it tastes delicious.

Wow. What a big weekend. Iceskating, Chai lattes with mugs, cookie and cream cake, Krisha in Woolworths (that was the funniest moment :P), absolute hysterics, Snakes on a Plane and music.

Today.. I found the Book Exchange place... and I bought two records ( I could have bought more!)- Simon and Garfunkel and Chicago the musical soundtrack- australian theatre company version. There were so many other great records, I'm going back!! I've set up our record player.. but I need to buy a phono imput thing... I also bought a book- the Jane Austen bookclub. :D. I also went and did exercise- I walked and ran- alot!! And now I must tidy my room.

And I am led to believe this blog is incredibly one sided. In perspective, moods... And if you're thinking why it's one sided, look up the definition of a blog. XD