hi blog. things have been interesting. so tired right now. and need to do modern history stuff. I have a cool british friend. And i have no money right now.... i get paid tomorrow, then i'll be able to go and do things. Like buy coffee. Or even lunch. Went to the MCA again today... had a great time mucking around the city. Organised to read shakespeare tomorrow so that should be fun. Had Tim's 18th on the weekend which was fun... Although to quote the wombats i think i "spilled more than my drink.... ". Note to self: If angry about anyone, vent before alcohol consumption..... haha it wasn't that bad i guess but i don't like bagging out people to that extent. The cocktails were amazing! And the fireworks on the beach were great!!

I guess a lot of good stuff has been happening, but i just feel like i'm in emotional limbo land at the moment.... i've been feeling down a bit again and i feel like i'm loosing grip on a few things. But i know i'm not really but i'm just feeling it. I really would love to be in uni right now. Or maybe i'm scared of the gap widening between my friends? I dunno.

And i just got screamed at by my sister. man I need a break from this.....did someone say holiday?

I should exercise more. I'm going to go and do some study!

Ibuprofen + Codeine = best thing in the world. For physical pain! And quite funnily, when i am physically feeling better, my mood dramatically increases. Must be a link. I should really go to bed... today i did a few things around the house, had a bit of a blues day i suppose. But it was productive.... a year ago i would have stayed home... maybe have a shower.. spend the whole day on the couch watching midday tv rubbish. Got to keep reminding myself that i have got better, and the worse has been. I can't go to the V festival- couldn't get out of work... Crap, i need to call Tavis... i'll do that now! Nowish. My phone should arrive by the end of the week!!! Hopefully. And i'll also find out whether i'll get youth allowance. I reallllly hope i do... if i don't, i'll need to start working more.... Lucky i don't have to pay for meals at home :P. Ok i am falling asleep. That means sleeep. And i don't think many people can come on a holiday in the holidays. Might need a change of plan!!!

Just wrote this whilst trying to write a to-do list.

What's the point in trying
when I come around
I spin around in circles
my feet off the ground
it's been so right
so wrong
and in between
now i am swimming
in a land unseen

What's the use in hiding
from reality
nothing is real or true
in the age of tv
i do not know how to define
what i see
when seeing is believing
the lies around me

© Emozlie

It looks like i may be eligible for the student tax benefit stimulus thing. Woooo. I thought i wasn't, but i guess i'll find out in the next two weeks......

My maths test went really well- i'm definitely going to get above  90%, possibly 100%. That's a first for maths. But crap, why does everything come back to the same thing? Vague, but that's how life is at the moment. Well more like how i am feeling at the moment. Everything else is ok. Just at the moment i feel like hiding somewhere and sleeping for a few days. With a gin and tonic thrown in. 

I have done quite a lot of maths revision........ and now that i have stated this point, i will go eat, and then go back and do some more. :D

Ok this arvo I was Meant to be studying for maths tomorrow.. but i've done everything else BUT that. I did all the revision work with a breeze in class today... but still i think i have a hidden mentality to think: if i don't study and not do too well, at least i know i didn't try! Maybe i am scared of trying? And failing? I guess I've been running away from failure... too scared to fall.... Alas, I must embrace these opportunities to fail, to flourish, to 'test' myself.... Because its better to  take a chance right? I should apply this to all aspects of my life... including family relationships. And my attitude to tests. UNI! I want to be with you! But i can prove i have embraced some opportunities, which is better than not... 'Opportunity to fail' sounds like such a contradiction though...OK I've learnt my moral lesson/dilemma- i will go study now. And i'll try to remember to put effort into something, and see what happens- I can only learn. So Vague! Although i would never put everything into maths.. Ok enough of the procrastination.....

Apart from having a rather sore butt, I had a fantastic day today! I did a bike ride i've always wanted to do, and ended up at the other side at a random suburb. On;y catch was that it was a valley- great getting down to the middle (I found cascades!!)- but hell getting up the other side. Very accomplishing though, even if i walked a lot of it with my bike, but reminded me of Duke of Ed! My aim is to cut back my walking time and get more fit. So anyway when i reached the top of the otherside, i rode back down (such a great feeling to ride down at a million miles an hour a hill you've just climbed!!!). But then, i had to go up the hill at the start. Ouch. I'd stopped on the way back and had a bit of a sleep/lunch at the cascades, so coming back up I was out of my bike riding zone- was in the "i want to sleep" zone. It was so good to get back into nature and get some exercise, i was going crazy this morning, itching to do anything! 

First week holiday is coming together quite well... just hope we get enough people :D! Oh and that semi date i was talking about, it happened and i think we are both suited to be friends- but i was just happy that i took an interest - and besides, i need to meet a romantic poet! Preferably one not doing a million unit maths. 

I really would love to go to the beach! I haven't been in ages.... as in, the last time i went was like in... january? Feburary? I miss you oh beach! Ooh something else exciting is that i might be moving out.. i mean its still in the early stages yet, but Ash and I have been looking at houses..... And we need to get (if we decide to do it) two more people... it may not happen for a while, but its still really exciting- i feel like i want to start living my own life...  

St Patrick's Day was a blast!! :D No hat though :(. 

Ok I must waste my time on other things... like doing more maths study!

I JUST BOUGHT a mobile phone off ebay! wooooooooo!

OMGOSH just realised I get to go on another SCHOOLIES this year!!!!!!!!!! Who wants to come??????? SKIING! OMGOSH INSTEAD OF GOING ON THE SKI TRIP IN JULY I COULD SAVE UP AND GO SKIING OVER SEAS !!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO............. is it possible? Or thailandd....... or wow this would be so cool... i shall start saving :D:D:D:D:D:D

I feel bleh. As undefined and as wonderful as that phrase suggests! St Patricks Day was fun... but now I must focus on tafe...... Trying to think of some news! Nothing really that exciting... guess i'm not in a blog writing moood... maths....... and stuff needs to be done... farewell..

Ok my head is currently burning from peroxide but hey I am writing a blog to forget about the fact MY HEAD IS ON FIRE!!!! AHHHHHH! I've finally gotten round to dying my hair (it was waaaay over due...) but it sings..... !!! In other news everything is going well... handed in my assessment.... started a portugese burger appreciation society for grumpy's....... wasted a whole heap of time on facebook.. the usual. Need to listen to some music! :D

Ok hair has kinda stopped burning now which is good.. but i still have another half an hour to wait! Put music on shuffle- Eric Calpton's "before you accuse me" has just come on. Pretty decent considering this is my mum's computer. Hmm I seem to have slipped into obsessive blog posting again. Mwahaha well at least this isn't live journal and i'm not taking up anyone's friend page. I should send an email asking if anyone wants to get together on sat night. Or i could just come home from work and watch movies. OMGOSH FARSCAPE marathon.... Maybe. My family is going to a 60's party. Seeing my mum's costume has put me off going. i will not be seen with any type of go-go dancer. Who is over the age of 20.

I miss the beach. Hmm thats an idea. Tomorrow after work, i sprint down to the beach, swim, and then come home. It may work. Who knows what i'm going to do. I'm thinking farscape is the most viable option at the moment. SUCH A BIG RAMBLE! Completely pointless but taking my mind off the fact that my scalp is sooooo itchy itchy itchy..... Ooooh in other news i do seem to have a friend date! I think it is more of a friend thing, so i'll keep it at that :D. Should be fun anyway!

19 mins to go. NINETEEN MINUTES! You should all try portugese chicken burgers from Grumpy's. They are awesome. AWESOME! just realised i'm listening to a french rock song. How odd. Ok now i'm going to abandon this computer, i need a real life.

********
But who needs a real life? When i don't really have anything else to do until my hair gets washed out in approximately ten minutes? I have work tomorrow from 10:30-5..... i wish i could decide what i want to do tomorrow night. I could just do nothing. Now that is a plan! I have no idea really, i'm just overtired and i've had v today and a gin and tonic tonight so who knows what i am on about........... Me? Maybe. SEVEN MINUTES! 7 mins.

Everyone should go to the MCA. It is amazing!!!!

I've lost count, is this my fourth post today??? Who knows.. Procrastination is an amazing thing for blogs......... :D!

Ok I've done some of my assessment, but i'm just not in the mood of writing essays. I know its due tomorrow but bleh. I can waste time writing in here instead! Its quite funny really, its easy to write about absolutely nothing here, but to articulate something accurate and esssay like seems impossible. But i know what I am doing...... just not interested in it. I should reward myself ! Set goals! Bribe myself with chocolate?

Bricabrac! My mind feels fried.... and i feel like a hot chocolate from thredbo... like when its freezing cold, you ski down from merits (merits is dodgey, but lets pretend that is a good place for runs), you put your ski's up, walk in, strip off excess layers.... and you order a hotchocolate and a slice of cheesecake. The hot chocolate is in a massive mug........ with whipped cream and the milk is full cream.... and with marshmellows which i pick out.... and you bite into a bit of the cheesecake... How i long to be in the snow! Or in a log cabin. LOG CABIN! With a fireplace. I'm going to start saving my butt off... i really want to go skiing this year.... just for the hot chocolate :P. Nah, i'm scared i'm loosing my form.....

This week has been really great so far! Catching up with friends and sharing the love of portugese chicken burgers = good times. I'm a bit nervous though at the moment because i've semi asked someone out... It's still only a semi thing, but still, normally I ignore the other peorson completely and run the other way. But i don't see them all the time, so if it doesn't do anything it'll be fine...Anyway, i'm sure it will be fun whatever happens!

So yeah my phone cap runs out today (finally!) so tomorrow i'll be free... my computer is still dead, so i'm writing this at tafe. Talking of tafe, i have an assessment due tomorrow. Should get cracking on that but instead i'm exploring the realms of the internet. Always fun...

Ok well enough of my rambles I must go and do something that isn't on blogger- as in work. I feel guilty using a tafe computer to do this... i should use it for work :P! byebye blog!

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P.s. My mum stole my sister's peripherals from her computer. I think it runs in the family.... (Heather's computer is now situated in the kitchen so I can use it but mainly so there is a time limit on the internet.) I love that word, peripherals. So a note to my mum and sister: STOP STEALING MY PERIPHERALS!
It's like the word Bric-a-brac. Say it really quickly. Spit it out! I love that word-bricabrac! bricabac bricabrac bricabac......

Ok i've given up on the 'i'm going to finish an assessment now before i go to modern" thinking, because i don't think that is going to work. I keep falling asleep in modern though.... o.0 But I am not the only one! Jo does as well, she admitted it first.

Alright, now I AM LEAVING this website, as i must go to class. Bricabac!

You know what? After all the chaos that has gone on this week, it made me do something. Step up. I had a choice to either let it all goand turn into a blubbering mess on a downward spiral with circumstances, or step up and do something. And i've stepped up. I don't know how i did it, but it just clicked. I stepped up to being me, taking responsibilty for things out of my control.  And ever since monday night i've felt different. In a good way.... And i haven't felt this in control for a long time. Everything seems to click in, and i feel like i am now being, or doing who i am. If that makes sense. I've had so many realisations about love, God, friends, myself etc, i don't think i can go into it all in one post.  And i feel like i'm here now. And I'm ready to be Emily.  I'm seeing things in completely different ways and it's like my mind and heart and whatever have been transformed or released from the haze i've been moping arouind in. I can't define what it is, but its like i've made a choice- and its not because i feel like i should, or people say i should or not or whatever, butstepping up and connecting with God in a level i've never done before- its shifted me. I still don't know how to explain it. Praying with my Dad started it off... and its like the tangled up love thing that was going on has vanished. I don't think its been replaced, but changed. I wish i could define the sensation- put at peace? The attention and crap i was craving from peoplehas gone and i feel like my own person. Anyway its amazing, God is amazing, life is one hell of a ride but who knows where i'll end up next.   And i'm happy to stand on my two feet again.

Am i crazy? Or does all this seem so wrong, and yet so right? Head or heart?