When you think things can't get any worse... they do... murphy's law, right? Right.  But this isn't the time or place to be discussing family matters. Just know, i love you all to bits.  And i wish i knew what to do with myself. xo

Had a big D&M session with Ashley today... so exhausting! But fun i suppose. It made me come to a realisation that i didn't really want to realise. But that;s how D&M's go, right? What do you do when you get a realisation though? Who knows....... The coffee was good- we discovered a coffee place at central. Awesome place.

I'm trying to get a collection of my poetry together to publish., so i'm going to go write some more/collate. :)

I feel so off centre right now. o.0

Ok it feels as though i haven't written in here for ages. The last two weeks have been woaha- i think its only been the last few days i've actually stopped to process it all. Tafe is going well- i'm so over public transport... but hey, who isn't......... 

It's been really strange how my friendships have been working out. As i've been at tafe and as now this week everyone goes to uni..... i've kept in contact with the people who i didn't think i would. Well i mean developed friendships that i didn't really have in school. But its cool- its like school didn't let me or something. Anyway, i'm actually a bit scared about this week- maybe i have this thing like i'll be forgotten. I know i won't be, but it's like i'm just floating right now. 

I've become closer to my dad... and steve's just moved in. There hasn't really been a constant in my life..... well there has but i have shoved it off. I'm not so good at keeping relationships with god. Why? i don't know. I struggle to keep that constant thing going. But yeah, i'm human. It comes in my package. 

I'm a bit nervous how things are going to work out. I've survived change before but its still like woaha. And i just realised my sister changed my mouse around. Change is in the air!!!! And on my computer. it would be good if before she changed my 'peripherals' around.

This is odd. I'm writing in paragraphs. I never do this. Ever. 

And now i don't know what to write, or what to put here. I'm floating around.. and i didn't handle things well last tuesday night. At all. But i've learnt my lesson i hope. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCEKNgdJlJE

Oh yeah.

Am i over this already? I miss quite a few people. It's weird starting off making friends again.  And i'm so tired..... change of routine does that to me.   I really can't be bothered to write anymore....  UNI i want you so bad. 

Aahhhhhhhhhhh.

Next straw:
I walk into my old room in shorts and a bra to get a t-shirt from my old closet. Two nine year old boys are sitting on the floor. Playing with an evolutionary descendant from lego. It's not that big of a deal.. just that they are taking over ....

Cons of new room:
Can hear children of the street at 7am screaming at the top of their lungs riding their bikes on a Saturday morning. "Rory! Lee! Richard! My turn!" I wouldn't mind it on a normal day, because i'm going to have to get up around then. But on a Saturday! I decide to sleep in, maybe until 8:30. Even 8. Or 7:59.

I still feel sick..... It's like heat goes 'let's make a normally painfree experience and turn it into HELL." Think positively, in like ten years time I'll be thrilled because i'll be able to have children. Or whatever.

It's 8:08 am. And i should be sleeping. In bed. Listening to birds. Or Matt Tonks. Or anything apart from young boys screaming about bike riding. I sound so cynical. But its my sleep! My sleep in... I get up early during the week, how am i meant to stay sane??? Without sleep? I'll file a complaint. Keep them up all night and then see how they feel. EMILY, stop acting like a 9 yearold boy and GET OVER IT. But i'm so tired! This is like absurdist theatre in action.

Yuck, i feel sick... Maybe the heat is getting to me? Bleh. My stomach is working overtime...

I'm typing this in my new room :D! Still need to set up my bed properly... and move out a few bits and pieces of my mums...

I'e spent today doing nothing. I feel so unproductive- i read a whole heap of psychology books- bits and pieces....... that was fun. Painted my nails. I feel so unmotivated yet somewhat scared to do anything because aahh tafe next week. I hate waiting... I guess i've got this underlying ffear that tafe is going to do to me what school did last year... But how do i face that fear?? I don't know what's going to happen, for better or for worse this year... its all uncertainty... It's so weird.... i want to do this hsc thing.. and go to uni. I am so freaked out though, because what if this is all a circle? That i get better for a while, work starts back, i get overwhelmed etc, and i start spiralling down again? I guess i've always been used to making it on my own.. Shit, i'm scared. I know it'll all work out- but even when i'm well, there's still this underlying 'oh, that's where i have been...' and 'ahh, what if i go back>?' because its not realistic to say it will or won't happen again. And i've got myself in check and all the support stuff has been set up. And its strange being branded with the term 'clinical depression' and having to write that as a disability on forms- its all true though. I should be proud of how far i've come... and i am.. at the moment i'm just scared it will all come back......... I know i need to get over it and i will, but i've never been one to enjoy/look forward to confrontations, especially with myself. Tafe is a great environment, everyone is supportive, stop thinking and just get on with it Emily.

Ok I'm officially enrolled in tafe... but man I am really nervous about starting up...i just don't want to go down the path i did last year... i'm sure it'll be alright.. set up all the support networks today! So tired though.

Met up with some new but hadn't seen for ages friends on Sunday night, it was really cool. (After the church service thing, i can't remember whether i've since written an entry.)

Anyway sleep calls.... and i have a day of hammocking tomorrow. YAY! :D

Ok, last night I thought I should go to church to start off the new term.. so i was going to meet a friend at a local anglican church.. but then she couldn't come... so I showed up by myself... i was really nervous :P. But it turned out to be really friendly and nice- met some great people and was invited to the young adults get together afterwards.. It was almost a breath of fresh air... because it wasn't confronting, people were there because they wanted to be... i felt really welcome there. Anyway we'll see how it goes... i thought i'd give church another try... the people there are 'real' and so much fun to be around with.... anyway i'll see how it goes.

Tafe today! Enrollment! I didn't sleep at all last night... o.0 i think i'm nervous :P. Anyway i should probably get ready... THERE IS NO MILK!!!!!!!!!! *tear...* No weetbix for me :(