All you have to do is hold me...
If you trust me, love me, let me... Maybe...

Some random lyrics from "maybe" by Kelly Clarkson.

I feel a bit surreal at the moment.. weird feeling. But it all starts tomorrow.. so let's hope/pray that all goes well. Today is the last day!

Next week should be very interesting... o.0.. 5 assessments..... on top of other things.... Oh well. It'll be ok.

Now I will ramble in my journal. Ciao.

New Editions to Emily's CD collection:

• Sufjan Steven's 'Illinois'
• Sufjan Steven's 'The Avalanche'
• 'Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga' by Spoon
• 'The White Album' by The Beatles
• 'Black Holes and Revelations' by Muse
• 'Absolution' by Muse
• 'In Rainbows' by Radiohead
• 'Neon Bible' by Arcade Fire
• 'Thirsty Merc' by (quite obviously) Thirsty Merc

Woooo... I should add that, I only bought two of these albums, the rest were bought by my Mum/various members of my family, but that covers all the CD's that I've wanted to get in the last few months. Yay! Just need to work on building the Beatle's collection up.

Soooo much music! It's brilliant.. I just don't know what to listen to now :P.

I'm going to go to sleeeep now I am sooo tired. Don't know why i am even bothering to write up anything.... Felt like publishing a post I suppose. I don't feel so good. I think sleep will fix it :D! Sweet dreams.

Jerseys are fantastic! And I finished English.. but its like one of the worst assignments i've ever done I swear.... ah well. At least I handed it in.. thats the main thing.

I made it through this week! Amazing! :D! So glad that I did. I bought a new moisturiser yesterday- it was recommended by both Elliot and Ariane- its really great, oil free, light and it has SPF protection! Yay! I'm going to my Dad's house this arvo... should be fun....

Anyway I need to do some more important stuff :P! Cya....

We have our Year 12 jerseys now..!!

They're great!

Oh, and Happy Valentines Day! (Or as I've heard, Happy Single Awareness Day...)

From thinking about today, I think the greatest lesson I will have to learn is letting myself love another person. Just letting go and (without sounding oh so cheesy) giving your whole self, not holding back incase I want to retreat.. I'm really guarded with my heart (even with friendships) and it seems I never give all of me... to anyone. I'm not trying to wear my heart on my sleeve by any means.. I would just like to work on expressing me, being me without a trillion barriers blocking everything that goes in or out. Also, to be able to say- I am not ok with that, or even saying no... Or saying- get real... I'm ready to admit that even though in the past I've always said "i'm not ready" or "thats silly" or "thats a waste of time" about love or relationships.. I am ready to say that even though I have a whole heap of emotional "things" in my life and I've always tried to run away or protect myself, I have always wanted to let go and just love. But all the "things" get in the way, and I'm scared that the "things" will distort or prohibit me from enjoying the relationship.. I'm going to learn to let go.. and slowly but surely release myself from all the things that have tangled me up...... (haha, almost sounds like wishful thinking!)

Anyway, I had a really great day today. My mood was somewhat normal- and happy! and we got our jerseys... :D.. let's hope it continues....as i really need to work on my english!!!!!!

Tonight, randomly, i wrote a poem! I haven't written poetry in so long!
This was the last stanza..

"But I turn another cheek
fall into the embrace
of an unbroken slumber
suspended from time
living my dreams
from the inside."

The whole poem is about getting up in the morning and in the end 'turning the other cheek' and going back to sleep :P. When its finished I'll put it up here!!

I love this song!

It's by Thirsty Merc, called "Undivided Love".

I suggest you all read "A Note of Madness" by Tabitha Suzuma. It is BRILLIANT! Its about Bipolar Disorder and it is amazing. The way she has done it- words fail me!! (I'm using it for Ext 2 English.. ;D)

I'm sitting here thinking whether I should keep typing or not.... I probably should press "publish post" now... But a subject that is on my mind at the moment is internalisation. You see, apparently, I internalise everything. Which, I agree with. This all started out of politeness, respect, but I'm afraid its warped into this weird thing where I can't even express how I am feeling.. I won't let myself experience or express an emotion that I don't think is appropriate. So I don't. I wait until I am alone, and express it to my pillow, or my journal or to an unsuspecting infamous individual on the other side of a phone line who probably thinks i've slightly lost the plot. Now, with my current state of mind, internalisation is apparently not a good thing to have. Which I agree with. But i find that it is ironic, because If I express how I feel, then I'll probably get a mouthful back, but when I internalise I get a mouthful back. The reality is that I just don't like having my streams of thoughts projected into words, into life (so to speak) when I am sure they will cause numerous consequences. Does that mean I like to control every situation? Not really. Maybe I don't want to burden or upset people with my point of view? Maybe. The thing is though, when I do decide to "spill" a few times it has quite literally been shoved back into my face and twisted around. Anyway, I'm just trying to say, I should talk to people more (aka my Mum and others) and tell them exactly how I am feeling or how I feel about something. And stand up and be counted with my opinion. Maybe if I am more expressive, I can be in touch with my emotions more.. etc. If only I could. I'm sure I will be able too.. And school! School! Has actually been good. A few times I've just wanted to go home and not be around so many people, but it has been mostly great. Everybody has things happening in their life at the moment, good and bad, and I'm wishing that we could all join together and lift everyone up!! I find it really difficult though, because during my holidays I had some pretty down times, and I would love to say- yes, at the moment I am fighting Depression and I'm so happy that I made it to school today!!, but quite obviously according to social ettique that would be an inappropriate thing to say. I think i'll slowly break the ice. I'm getting frustrated with my family a bit atm.. just because i feel like i shouldn't be feeling like this (well that is the impression I am getting from a certain individual) and that the way i have been feeling is top secret or something. Well, its not.

I don't really want to publish this to the whole world... but as I said in my last blog I want people to be aware of Depression in our society. 1 in 5 australians. And just to let you know I am going be "assessed" this week- so I am taking the steps to get this thing under control. Don't be afraid of it, speak out. If one person does, then another one will... and soon we can get rid of this taboo.

Sooo yeah. School tomorrow. Essay due tomorrow. HSC really begins tomorrow. Etc.

My goal this year is to be a person at the end of this year, not a number. I need to keep my mental health my priority... and maybe I won't do as well as I could do but at this point in time I really need to focus on getting better and managing everything :). Which I will do. :D. I'm not sure whether I have gotten better or worse since last term, but I do know that I have had a great opportunity to relax... and get some peace of mind.And that is always important. Although I get so frustrated about the stigma of mental health. Yeah, I don't really like talking about my 'personal well being' (to say it politely) with everybody and everyone, but there is such a lack of understanding in our society about it. So i suppose if i slightly mention it on this blog here and there (not that many people read this) and if one person is more aware of mental health, than I'll be happy. It's so incredibly frustrating for me because when a person is physically sick it is quite obvious but when a person is mentally sick- which could have far worse consequences- it is not obvious and there is hardly any awareness or understanding. And at the moment I am quite annoyed with this 'self help' book that I found. I picked it up (it was a Christian one) but i was infuriated about the way they went about it. Yes, I know i have been suffering these symptoms.. you don't have to talk to me like I'm stupid.. it just made me feel even more guilty that I wasn't a 'good Christian girl'. Yes, i know. Christians aren't meant to be perfect- everybody has their problems. Just the wording of the book got me started because it was like it was my fault i had been feeling 'those symptoms'. I might have let a few things go and maybe if I was more organised things may not have turned out this way, but to open a book like it did is just ridiculous. The jargon as well... o.0. My relationship with God doesn't involve 'jargon'- it involves God and I. He has pulled me out of depression before, and i know He can do it again. But I just don't need those type of books making me feel like i've done something wrong to deserve this when I know I haven't... isn't believing you have a sickness from sin an Old Testament principle? An understanding doesn't throw psychological theories about. That's what this book did.. started off with the girl who had everything but lost a boyfriend and became depressed.Come on! If you are going to write a book on depression, make it appeal and relate to the 'depressed person' so they will actually read it and change. Not throw the book back on the shelf and never pick it up again.

Sorry bit of a ramble there. But I feel better now. :D!

Hi Blog! Sorry that I have neglected you for a long time. That last term was my first term of my HSC (Oh the juxtapositioning and irony of that!?!) and turned out to be a very, very interesting term. In fact the last 3 months have been really interesting. I've just got to keep walking, and I know I will make it through. I kinda have to anyway, since this is my last year at school, dare I think about it. I'm really excited about the possibilities beyond school but I am also going to miss the school structure!! I won't jump the gun or speak to soon though, as I have a whole year to say my goodbyes. Less than that actually, but I won't go into specifics.

My holidays have been great! I don't feel like rambling on about it here because I will be bound to miss something out, so come and talk to me if you would like me to ellaborate on what I've done. To give you the short version I've been to my grandparents house, The Basin and in the Southern Tablelandsish area and I've had all sorts of adventures! So if you have nothing else to do, feel free to call me up and we can chat, (not just about my holiday :P) OR CALL ME UP and say: "Emily, let's to coffee" and I'll squeal and say: "Sure thing!!". (And if you said "Emily, let's do Max Brenner" and you were an attractive male, I think I'd squeal even more.. or faint :P).

If there is a reader reading this, I hope you are having a fantastic holiday!!! :D!

If the thunder cloud
Passes rain
So let it rain
Rain down on me...

Mmm, so let it be.
Mmm, so let it be.

Sleep
Sleep tonight...
And may your dreams be realised


Love this song. MLK by U2. :D!

Well on Monday, my Deputy Principal suggested that I take 2-3 days off school.. to relax and take a break. And NOT to do work. o.0. I never knew you could actually suffer from exhaustion.. I went to the doctor today, he took a blood test (I got to eat a lolly :D! And he put a cotton puff over it...)& discussed numerous things.. and i have a long appointment on monday where we will discuss the results. So yeah.. I'm not on my death bed! Never fear! I'm just having a break :). I think it'll take at least one more day for me to actually relax :P. It's actually stressful not being able to do work or go to school. I woke up this morning really 'AHHHH'ing because i thought i forgot to wake up my sister for school. I just need to get all this stress and anxiety out of me!

Anyway, i have a medical certificate until the end of this week. :). I'm going to sleep now.. but blog, rest in the fact that I am ok, and everything is being sorted out. And everything can only get better. :)

I refuse to be a statistic.

And hear me, I will NEVER go back there again. Never.

My perspectives will be clear, expectations will vanish, and I will get through this.

I will get through this.

I might be slightly sloppier than a dogs breakfast, and just a tad emotional but I will get through this.

I've got the God who created the universe on my side- and I can do all things through Him who STRENGTHENS me.

I will not let this get to me. I will get through this. I will.

I don't care how many tears it takes- I will get through this.

I will get through this.

Dear Blog,

I am awfully sorry i have neglected you the last 13 days. Nearly two weeks without a post, from memory. How have you been feeling? Sad i suppose, since the only exciting thing that ever happens to you is me typing and publishing to you. How have I been?, i hear you inquire! Well thank you blog for asking, because i know I haven't talked to you in a while.

I've been alright. Lol, sometimes i get a bit like OMGOSH YEAR 12ISH, but othertimes i'm good. I miss some of the intimacy (no, not THAT type) that i had with some of my friends at the start of this year, but i suppose that's school for you. It's really amazing to see how I have grown as a person and of course how others have faced the challenge of taking on year 12. Everything at times moves so fast, that you take a breath and it's like- woah. A whole week has just gone by.

And that is all I am prepared to write tonight, my dearest blog. I am rather tired and I wish to catch the express bus to dreamland for the night.

From your always loving blogwriter. xox

ARGH!

Year 12 has been going great.. its fantastic to be doing all the subjects i want to do! SRC camp was fun and very productive... today was adventurous.. went on an english extension 2 excursion!! It was a lecturer.. Ms Carolan = red pen..

Something that i can't get out of my mind was i got a look today thats just annoying me so i'm going to ramble on about it here. It was one of those judgemental 'omgosh what are you doing here' looks. And it just made me a bit annoyed. I'm not going to get that worked out about it.. But still, just think twice before you do that to someone. I just shrugged it off- i'm not going to change my appearance or whatever for someone- but i just feels so degrading!! Anyway, enough of that. I'm just going to be myself and that's all i can be. Each day i feel like i'm slowly discovering more and more about myself- its a great feeling!!!!!

I have psychology skills. :D. WOot. ( i love how the mind works...)

So the game has finally started... Year 12. YEAR TWELVE! And I have now dropped maths and it appears I am doing three major works.. hmmm i think I will be able to do it. I've talked to three teachers about it, and they were all like 'follow your heart' (Three teachers said the same thing..) and so that's what i am going to do. I love the quote from the Power of One it says "First with your head and then with your heart" and hopefully that's what i am doing. :).

I've got all but maths back for my prelims.. I did ok! Suprisingly, my worse subject was English... o.0. And my highest has been S&C- with 20/20 for my first essay and 17/20 for my second. :D!

Things have been quite interesting at school socially lately! It's so interesting to see how everything inter-relates and sometimes its just fun to watch how people relate and react to others. Lol, sometimes i'm just so lazy in group situations. :D. i can just observe... But i think that with what has been going on the people involved have handled it beautifully- they have showed a huge amount of emotionally maturity. I doubt anyone from my group actually even reads this, but its great to see how all of you have changed in the last year! Wee for growing up..

And on that note, i must go and read some drama notes. :D

When Danny K this morning at youth first mentioned 'impurity' I automatically thought of sexual purity and thats what i thought he was going to talk about. I almost tuned out because at the moment sexual purity is not something i am struggling with or really think about much (haha i don't really have anyone to think about in the first place :P). But when he went on, he was actually talked about impurities that can happen in the heart- the things that can distract you from God. The theme of this month at SG is prayer and worship, and he continued to say that if you have impurities in your heart, when you are in the time of worship it's harder to concentrate, because even though your eyes are closed and your mind is focusing on God, your heart will be trying to pull you somewhere else. I found that really interesting because sometimes i can get distracted and find it difficult to focus on God, so it got me thinking what was holding me back. What was distracting me? I'm still not really sure, but i think there is something in my life that i need to just let go of... I might have some idea of what it is... But i think what is really amazing about it is that God wants to have a relationship with all of me- not just my mind or part of my heart, but all of me. :)

Oh, here is a video on what is happening at youth next week, it looks great.



I think it will work!! (hopefully)

Tomorrow we start year 12! :)