in like 30mins i'm leaving for schooooolies :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D!!!!

It's FINALLY HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 10 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night.. i'll be honest. I haven't felt like i did then for a long time. And what i hate, is that the medication induces these states, and then i need to take another type to fix it. When will this stop? I wrote this about last night.

Pop a pill
Take the pain away
You're lost inside your head
Again.
Release wrapped
In tin foil
Shaking hands
Reluctant mnd
To finish waht
The meds started.

Electricity running through my brain
Faster
Round and round it goes
Where it stops
Only I know

But hush,
Here comes this ectasy
Of release
Relief
Retardation of thoughts
To relax
Restrain
The mind that does not know itself.

The power is off
All systems down
Normality achieved
Though secure, sedated and a secret
My heart
Screams
Where is my mind?

Formal was great.. at times bittersweet, but great... just glad the lights were low when i was dancing :P. Oh well, had heeeaps of fun, managed to completely embarrass myself dancing... haha... I blame Krista! :P
Anyway it was so good seeing everyone dressed up and looking fabulous, i'll post pics soon! :D

Wooooooooooooo formal tonight :D

FORMAL FORMAL FORMAL!!!!!!!

HOW EXCITING :D!

I feel so misplaced! I'm not celebrating care free and happy with my friends, and i'm not going crazy about HSC and school and whatever. WHERE DO I FIT IN? But wait! You don't want to fit in remember? aaaaaaaah.......... Why is everything so complicated? I guess i just wished i'd known.. it would make myself feel like less of an idiot. I just want to celebrate, go crazy, but WAIT I HAVE SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY. Crap, i've got to start writing in my journal again.

In a strange way, I feel like i've found a sense of security. I'm not sure what in, but i feel at ease. Spending time with a new friend at the mall... i dunno. I guess she has been through similiar stuff. Who knows..

I had the thought a few minutes ago, it would be really great to go and work full time for a year, go travelling for a year, then come back and go to uni as a mature aged student. Why not? Sure, i haven't planned anything out.. but it beats school........ I'm just over this whole thing. There is so much more to life, and i'm sick of living in the shell , i feel like i want burst some people's bubbles.. there is so much more.. beyond assessments, drama, whatever... Wouldn't mind just living by the ocean for a few months. Get up each morning, walking on the beach, having breakfast, writing all day. To me that seems like living... I guess i've always been told or taught about planning what I want to be, who I want to be, what I want to do. I don't want my career defining me. I don't want school defining me. I don't want my feelings defining me. I just want to be. And those things can come along and help, but ultimately, i want to be at ease with myself. What is the point in doing all these assesments or things for other people.. to validate myself? To learn? I want to go out and live. And i have been. I can feel again- i'm not numb. I'm enjoying things. I'm getting back on top of my depression. And you know what? I'm ok with yesterday. I took the step to talk, it just didn't come. I didn't take the chance. Maybe life just has to go on. And i've learnt to live and live what i feel. So, lesson learnt.

Everything just seems so pointless, i just want to get on with this living stuff. I don't want to be just coping, i want to live. And thats what i am trying to do.

I logged on to this computer to do my ancient history assessment. But it looks like i'm rambling instead. :D.

Well today i was going to take a chance. Finally talk. Talk about a million things. But I let the moment slip. I feel so stupid. But I'm really not one for competition.. just a few seconds.. i can't believe i let so many chances slip by. I just wanted to take that chance. But its gone. What do I do now? I can't even put into words the way i felt.. and now.. just.. the same but on the other end of the spectrum.

Stuff this. I can't be bothered to write about it. I've got a beer and a movie playing, who needs reality?

" Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;
Being vex'd, a sea nourish'd with lovers' tears:
What is it else? a madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet."

- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act 1, Scene 2

I seem to be losing myself again. I hate feeling like this. Just feeling so.. down. Saw Yenny and Bianca today- was good. But I can't help it, i just feel so lonely. Coffee anyone? It'll pass. For now i guess i'll go and watch a movie.

Just got home from work. I called a guy in his late 20's 'sir' and he was like, don't call me that again! Didn't realise it was offensive. Bought some makeup today :D For the formal ! I'm all set now.
Ok i must go and eat some food. I really hope it clears up tomorrow, i'd love to go to the beach.... Need some relaxation!!

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." -William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Shakespeare captured something beyond our physical state. There seems to be a realm beyond mere words, actions, minds. The realm of thoughts, connections, hearts and spirit. What is it that we can not explain but what we all feel? The love for brothers, sisters, friends, lovers- unspoken, undefined by felt. There's something in our brains that triggers the emotional response. Makes us feel. I want to strip myself back into this raw state. I want to get rid of this embedded superficiality within me, this quest after opinions, after objects, after marks, after whatever. I want to 'be'. And 'live'. Sometime's you've just got to sit back and watch planets spin around and follow a few shooting stars. You've got to play with fire. Maybe even sit in willow trees and let the night fade away.

Our society has constructed restraints on every thing we discover- we define time- "day, night", "hours, minutes, seconds", the way to succeed in life, social structures, rules for love, rules for loss, rules for fun. Rules for what we can and can't do. For what? To maintain order? Prevent chaos? DO humans need this structure, to stop us thinking? Or does it shape us to think? What happens if we let those rules slip? Would we turn into cannibals, and 'savages?' Or was that all we were destined to be? That our rules makes us progress, but in fact, the only way we can sastify our human nature is to 'live like a savage'.

Getting way too deep. I'm getting quite good at these rambles. All started when i thought about Hamlet. I love Shakespeare. :)

Maybe the point is, I just don't wear my heart on my sleeve?

Maybe that's it.

I tell people what they want to hear... I only open up to a few people.. why? Maybe scared of their opinons? I'm a bit over that now.

ANYWAY i should stop blogging. I'm getting into obsessed blog mode again.

There's too much self reflection going on!!

All i am going to say is that i love playing with fire. And somethings you can control, most things you can't. Somethings can't be defined or learnt or predetermined. They grow, fail, pass, fall through the wind. One thing may be another to someone else- - i believe emotions are defined by the person, filled with levels one can experience them with. And you can't compare them with people. And that's all i'm going to say on that.

In other news, OBAMA WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMERICA MADE A GOOD DECISION!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get my nails done and my eyebrows done.. o.0 OUCH. I was turning into john howard for a while..

Bumped into Mia, Hayley Jayne and Jaymen today, all quite randomly.. all in different places!

Ok well i must clean my room.. :D

Stuff it. I'll write another one anyway.

I had a dummy spit when i got home today. I don't know what really about. I'm just so over school. I don't care anymore. Year 12 is beginning for the new year 12's... they are having that meeting we had last year. They get a really great student in to talk about how easy the hsc was etc. It all seems so fake! Or i'm just jealous that it didn't work out for me.

Anyway i'm done with wasting my words on that. I'll just stick it out til the end of term and see what happens. Tomorrow i'm going to try and go to the beach and have a walk- i need some time out. I'm going to do the things i want too. The next few weeks i'm going to have the best time of my life- at the formal and at bermagui. Watch out world!!

Formal should be so much fun.. i can't wait to wear my dress :D. And bermagui is just going to be a long long long overdue holiday/celebration. I MADE IT THROUGH THE YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha, yay for me. Formal + bermagui makes me feel better :D

I wrote this during period one today, i was meant to be doing my ancient history assessment.

"Reborn.
There comes a time when things must change. But to be changed it must be destroyed. It is only natural to stop this, prevent it, but then again only natural to allow it to come to pass. Where do we draw the line? What is the human experience? To be blissfully happy? To enjoy the ride of life, up and down, across the mountains to really appreciate what we are all here for?

Everything seems so manageable on a lower dosage. I guess I can think, but not well enough. Now I can’t stop myself from thinking in a way- everything has so many possibilities and perspectives, options I suppose, and for an indecisive person this is even more crazy. However it has enabled me to think, process, do – which I really enjoy. Where is the balance though? The ability to feel all sensations, think through all possibilities is a wonder- amazement. But with that brings the added issue of control- how can I learn to monitor my thoughts? On a lower dose I can monitor it, because I guess I don’t have that many thoughts, but now, everything I think goes in a million different directions. I can’t stop thinking! Is this intelligence? Creativity?

I don’t seem to be satisfied with light hearted conversation anymore. I’m not satisfied with writing endless entries on my blog. I don’t know what it is, but I want something more. There are times where you just feel at ease, peaceful, ‘free’ in a sense, where everything is ok. Like on top of that rock at North Curl Curl. Or swimming in the ocean. Or lying on the veranda, with Denver curled up next to me watching the stars. Or on hiking/camping trips. Or playing your favourite song blasting out of speakers and dancing like a maniac. What is it? Am I missing something here? Is it staring me in the face and I’m too blind to see it? What am I trying to say? What am I trying to be? What am I experiencing?

Or am I simply asking too many questions, thinking too much? Maybe I just need to switch off and chill. I’ve discovered that I am in fact insecure, not modest, and there is a fine line that separates them both. I mean I am getting better, but I don’t understand why I care what people think. Yeah world, this is me. Get used to it… if I could only have that attitude on the inside.
Its like I’m on the verge of change. Or I’m nearly there to discovering something wonderful or insightful. Have you ever had that feeling? I feel like I’m nearly there, but I don’t know what there is or where ‘there’ is. Or I could just be extremely agitated and angsty against the world at the moment and none of this really makes sense at all. Too many thoughts!

I guess what I’m going to have to do is focus on each moment. Each day. And enjoy what I can, ride the waves, so to speak. Sometimes you get a good wave that takes you right into shore. Other times you get put through a washing machine. And sometimes one bad set comes in after another. Up and down. Emily, enjoy things for what they are, and enjoy each day as it comes. And maybe invest in a ‘pensive’, like Dumbledore’s… (RIP) "



***
And i could write a whole heap of stuff on top of that right now, but i'm sleepy.

Ok, thank you Tim for making me realise i am quite insecure about my blogs, thoughts and self. I NEED TO GROW UP. let go emily. Who cares what people think abou you or blogs or whatever? It doesn't matter. you are you. That's it.
I am me! that's it!
So now i'm in the process of developing the mechanism of not caring who reads my blog or what people think of me. Ha, not an easy process. But a process that needs to be done.

Ok, i just tried to change my appearance of my blog, and now its not working and i have no idea how to fix it. ...

So sorry for the weirdness.

Wow, today was hectic. I feel so drained o.0. Haha i maxed my library card out, had to put some books back.. so i'm on the 20 items limit. I didn't realise there was a limit.. probably a good thing.

Bought some trippy coloured looking candles that look like mushrooms. I think i won't burn them, they are so pretty! And also, they look a bit too trippy ... don't think i'd want to smell them...

Everyone is so young at school. I'm seriously considering finishing this term and then finishing my HSC through tafe next year, and going extra subjects that can be accredited to my uni degree. I feel like i'm on a completely different level.. i mean they are great and all.. but its all so.. shallow. There is so much more than school. It took me a while to realise, but now that i do, it almost makes me see through people. There is more than marks, gossip, lessons, teachers, ensembles, costumes, leave passes, vice-principals, uniforms and major works. There is something so much more beautiful than that. Outside that. I don't know what its called... life? The world is so much bigger than all that.

Who knows. Maybe i want to jump into a world more 'real' that school. I guess i don't feel like a school girl anymore. I put on the uniform but i don't really care anymore. Maybe i'm being stubborn, going into 'i can't cope with anything typical depressed persons thoughts' thing. But at least i am thinking again. And i can process. Apart from feeling sick. o.o .

What do I want to do with my life? I want to write, challenge, change people's opinions. I want to catch ferries across the harbour. Go camping near a beach. Swim at the beach, read all of shakespeare's works. I want to stay up with cups of tea and candles talking about anything and everything. I want to learn about the mind, what makes us work, think. I want to challenge people's perceptions, leave a body of works that people read in the future and are effected. I want to live a life thats connected to nature, myself, god and my friends. I want something geniune, something thats worth it. Stuff facebook and 'friends', I want real relationships... Thats the direction I want to be going in at the moment. I don['t want to comply to become a materialistic brat that ends up at 40 with a midlife crisis and a fucked up life.. thats not me. I want to live each moment, at it is. I'm taking each day as it comes. I want to change the world- it may not be a big change, but i want to leave something. Do what I can.AND GETTING A UAI OF 305 WON'T DO THAT FOR ME! Ok, i know i need a uai. Are you getting my point? There is so much more than school, than marks. And the irony is, the marks get you to the point where you can do what you want too.

I think thats enough thought spilling for this entry.

Does anyone else find this disturbing?

http://au.video.yahoo.com/watch/3820345